March 3, 2014
Today I want to talk about five people specifically: Bogart, Snow White, my Character Amon-Re, Gary Oldman, and Uncle Dan.
BOGART: I went to see Bogart on Saturday and he hasn’t changed much apart from being less manic, which I guess is the point of the electroconvulsive therapy. Still no idea when he’s getting out, and though I’d like to see him and I originally wanted him to move in with me, I’m not sure if that’s even possible. I take him as the kind of person who can’t be left alone to his own devices. This guy would get in trouble. And he has no qualms about sexually assaulting people, or being randomly violent or aggressive. When I first got there I didn’t see him, he wasn’t in the common room yet, but he came up behind me and grabbed my balls and squeezed, which was agonizing and I had to repeatedly ask him to let go, through the pain and trying not to beg or be at his mercy. Normally, I’d have punched him in the fucking face for that, but with Bogart, I’m trying not to encourage violence, since it’s too much of a game to him. When we were eventually sitting down and talking, a girl walked by and he just grabbed her, pulled her on his lap, and started groping her all over. He even tried to put his hands down her pants. She was struggling so I stood up and freed her from him. She was upset and he was just laughing. He finds amusement in everything inappropriate. It’s like he doesn’t have the area in his brain that allows him to understand right and wrong or to acknowledge when he hurts someone. Everything’s a big joke. So I freed this girl and she wrapped her arms around me, starting kissing my neck and telling me she loves me. Bogart was telling me I should fuck her. He’s so clueless at times. Anyway, it was impossible to get rid of her so the visit was cut short. I’m not sure if I can have Bogart living with me while I’m going to school, working, or living with Howard. I’ll have to rethink this. He’ll probably sexually assault all my girl friends. A couple of them though, I don’t think they’d mind since he has that cockney accent and I’ll admit he’s an attractive guy. Also, he is pretty funny most of the time. But still. I was in a different place when I was there with him, I’m in a new phase of life now.
SNOW WHITE: Speaking of sex, I heard from Snow White. It’s been a long time. She said she’s coming up to Boston this Summer and wants to get together. That’d be great, she’s sweet. But I had vowed to myself not to fuck her, since she is so sweet and virginesque, she’s a really nice girl. It’s a challenge being around girls when there’s no chance to fuck them. There are the girls, like Snow White, that you decide you shouldn’t fuck for moralistic reasons, and then the entire time you’re with them, your mind is saying, “fuck her, just fuck her, fuck her, you know you want to fuck her, just do it, fuck her, fuck her now”. Then there are the girls who made it clear they don’t want to, and your mind says, “try to fuck her, change her mind, you need to fuck her, you have to try, try and fuck her”. Then there are the girls that you shouldn’t even think of in that way like your friend’s girlfriends, your girlfriend’s friends, other guy’s wives, and your mind says, “you can fuck her, go on and do it, nobody needs to know, just fuck her”. Then there are lesbians, and your mind just says more of the same shit. Lastly, there are the girls you don’t even want to fuck because they kind of turn you off, but your mind tells you to “fuck her anyway”. Well, I guess it isn’t the mind, it’s the second mind that resides in the crotch. Anyway, she’ll come up to visit and this is what will be going on internally for me. Sorry, but it’s true. That’s just the way it is. And on top of all that, you have to pay attention to what the girls are saying and pretend like this shit isn’t going on inside. Should it be taken as an insult or a compliment? Well, best to take it as a compliment and leave it at that. It’s not that profound of a thing and doesn’t need further analysis.
AMON-RE: I’m liking my novel so far. It’s kind of therapeutic. He’s kind of a more fucked up version of me. So, it makes me feel better about myself that I’m not that fucked up, and it also makes me feel proud to be creating this whole world. What’s interesting is that he is with me everywhere. My mind is circulating with events and experiences that he could have and I’ve imagined things that happened in his past that I haven’t written yet. It’s like he’s a real person. It’s pretty intense. I don’t even know how I’m going to end his story yet, but I’m liking the process so much, maybe I’ll just keep writing until it ends itself. I guess it needs an end though.
GARY OLDMAN: I haven’t done a Gary Oldmanism in a long time, or mentioned him in a while, so this is just gratuitous. Hi Gary Oldman. Hey man, how’s it going?
UNCLE DAN: Uncle Dan is my mother’s brother. His name is Dangelo, but he’s called Dan. Now, being Italian, you get the whole greaseball insult thing and kind of blow it off. But Uncle Dan is definitely a big smelly greaseball. He’s always sweaty and he always looks greasy. I don’t see him anymore much. He comes and goes, doesn’t live around here. Though he used to live around here when I was a kid and I saw him a lot. I don’t know why I even put him on my list or felt like talking about him. I guess there’s shit I want to say, but I don’t want to even say it here in my journal even though no one will read this. Maybe I just don’t want the words out in the world. Maybe I don’t want them made concrete. Maybe I don’t want to formulate the thoughts in my head and create the words and then see them on the paper. Yeah, maybe Uncle Dan is a subject for another time.
Anyway, I’m done with Winter. I haven’t done much of the outdoor stuff that I usually like to do. Skiing, hiking, snowball fights, building snowmen and snow forts. I always liked to be like a kid in the Winter and play in the snow. I’ve waterproofed my Stepping Wolves, but it’s too easy to slip on the ice with them, and most days are too windy for my Eastwood. One thing I’ve always wanted to try was snowshoeing however, which I have done this Winter, since Howard has snow shoes. It’s pretty awesome. But otherwise it even sucks to go running since there aren’t enough sidewalks and there’s ice everywhere. I’m not complaining though, I’m just looking forward to Spring. So is Gary Oldman (II). She’s not liking the idea of going out into the cold anymore. She gets this expression in her eyes like, “you’re fucking kidding me.” I give her a look back that says, “tell me about it.” We communicate telepathically like that.
My theme song for today is “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve, because that’s kind of the mood I’m in. Also, it reminds me of Amon-Re and if my novel is ever made into a movie, I want that song in the sound track.
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