Posts Tagged With: kilt

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 161: Buzzkill Grimm Stuck in WTF

February 11, 2014

I showed up at Cassidy’s Friday night as planned.  She wanted me to wear my kilt so I had to go back to Pete’s to get it since I left some stuff there.  I saw Sweetheart and she was really glad to see me.  I figured she would have left.  I don’t know why she’s stayed.  She’s why I left.  Not because of anything to do with her, but because I look at her and I think of Valentina.  Then another part of my soul crumbles away and I am rendered incapable of movement.  That applies to both physical and cognitive movement.  I just become thoroughly debilitated and deeply depressed.  So when I first saw her, my first reaction was a need to break down and cry.  It would have been the kind of crying that no consolation could soothe.  Or I would have held the tears in and just fragmented inside, making me a zombie again.  But I held on and we talked.  I could tell she suffered in a similar way.  That of course triggered my compassion.  I didn’t raise the subject of Valentina though, because then she’d fall apart.  So we talked about little things, trivial stuff.  We never really talked much before.

I went back to Howard’s and got ready to go to Cassidy’s and I finally put the necklace on with Valentina’s ashes.  It was difficult but I felt ready I guess.  The vial rests against my chest over my heart.  I felt like she was with me but I wanted to hold her, rock her, sing to her, talk to her.  I wish I could even just hear her cry again, and the breath in her lungs would come out in a thrash so that I could comfort her and know she lives.  Obviously that will never happen again, but with the necklace, I feel like a part of my own being has returned to me, almost like I could never have been complete without it.

Anyway, I went to Cassidy’s and when she let me in there were a total of 10 girls there.  It was a sorority. wtf.  I thought we had a kind of date so I had no idea what was going on.  It turned out that they were there to meet me, get my autograph and get photographed with me. wtf.  All because of that stupid video.  I’m not famous, I’m no celebrity, I was caught on video with my kilt blowing up and slamming ice cream onto my balls in my attempts to keep it down.  And as I’ve said, these little things about the internet are why I don’t like it, because I didn’t post that, it’s like I had no say in the matter, but whatever, I just resolved myself to it.  Now I had a sorority of girls asking me to lift up my kilt.  I felt like the entertainment at a bachelorette party or something.  A couple years ago, I’d probably have been high on something and I would have drunk with them, and signed autographs even though that’s stupid, and got my picture taken with them, and maybe even lifted up my kilt, and then try to have sex with all of them.  But not now in my life.  Who is this new Grimm guy that I’ve become?  This serious, brooding, easily annoyed mature guy who can’t joke around anymore.  It’s like my brain is stuck in what the fuck mode all the time.

I guess I was just pissed off because I felt set up.  She didn’t give me an honest idea about what to expect when I went there.  She could have told me her friends would be there and wanted to meet me, but she didn’t.  I mean, yeah ok it was kinda cool to get that kind of attention, and it’s a boost of the ego to be treated like a celebrity I guess.  But still, she could have told me.  I went in there and instantly they started with their smartphones snapping pictures of me and jumping next to me to be in the pictures.  I didn’t even have time to register what was happening.  There’s a better way they could have approached this to get what they wanted.  And here’s how:

My name is Wall Grimm, and this is how to make a sucker out of me.

THE METHOD TO GET WALL GRIMM TO DO WHAT YOU WANT

1. Tell me what you want before you impose it on me so I don’t feel set up.

2.  Flatter me enough to make me horny.  Then my brain has less control and I’m more easily suckered into things.

3.  ummmm maybe it’s as simple as just 1. and 2.

4.  If 3. isn’t the case, then use your feminine wiles to charm me.  That is kind of like flattering me, but flattering me is mostly about me, whereas charming me involves the girl’s appeal.  And oh yeah, that reminds me, this list is just for women, because:

5.  An indication that I might get laid in the deal could help.

6.  If I don’t get laid in the deal, don’t let me think that there’s not a possibility for that, lead me on if you have to.

Now this list is just for things I wouldn’t normally do or even come close to resolving myself to do.  Otherwise, I tend to be a natural sucker when it comes to women.  As far as men are concerned, they can’t get me to do something I don’t want to do.

I will do favors for people, help people out, but I don’t have to be conned to be a decent friend.  That’s different.  But this situation…

I got rushed by the girls and–oh yeah, here’s the thing.  The Grimm I was two years ago was not the Grimm with a brain injury from the Gangsta, so people have to keep in mind that when I’m taken by surprise, I get kind of disoriented at first as it takes extra time to process the situation.  So yeah, I get rushed, photographed, asked for autographs, and got confused.  I thought they had to believe I was someone else.  Plus, I thought I was going to be alone with Cassidy.  So before I knew it, everyone had gotten a photo with me or videoed me and already posted it somewhere–fb, tumblr, instagram, grimmthewtfsucker.com, etc.  Then the papers and pens came out for autographs.  I was like no way at first because it just felt stupid since I’m not famous.  Signing would have indicated a level of vanity that even I’m not capable of.  But they pestered me so I said whatever and did it arbitrarily while I tried to talk to Cassidy over their voices.  She looked horrified, and I knew she didn’t expect it to be like this, so I immediately forgave her.

But then they were asking me to lift up my kilt so they can pose with me that way. wtf.  Again, the other Grimm guy might not have cared, but I’m trying to be the kind of man Emma wants, so I don’t want my junk plastered virally.  There’s a pun in there, just look for it Invisible Journal Reading People.  Do I have to spell everything out for you?

So I was like nooo, but they were kind of following me around the room trying to lift up my kilt as I had one hand holding down the front and the other hand holding it down in back.  Then they said come on, have a beer, relax.  Then I told Cassidy if she wants to hang out alone sometime to let me know, and I left.

And now I’m not the wild and fun Grimm, I’m the buzz kill Grimm with a stick up his ass.  There’s no pun in there, take my word for it.  But whatever.  In retrospect it was flattering and ego boosting, but it just happened too fast.  I couldn’t process it until after I left.  I was only there about 15 minutes and that’s no exaggeration.  And I’m pretty sure some of them got up-kilt shots but whatever.  I’m not modest, I don’t give a shit really.  Buzzkill Grimm is the new guy in town and I’m not sure if I like him.  Gunslinger Grimm needs to run him out.  It’s time for a showdown.

No theme song today, just a theme scene from “A Fistful of Dollars” with Clint Eastwood, because my name is Wall Grimm and “my mule don’t like people laughing.”

*******

previous Grimm 160: Living With Howard, Assholes, Technology, Girls, & Pheromone Phenomenon http://wp.me/p41c99-xJ

next Grimm 162: Spam, Terminator Penis, “Walking Dead”, & Valentine’s Day http://wp.me/p41c99-zo

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

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Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 120: AA, Wall(paper) Grimm, and Grimm the Pig

September 30, 2013

Saturday night Pete took me to an AA meeting and I fucking hated it.  I didn’t want to talk in front of all those people and I didn’t want to hear what they had to say.  It’s supposed to be helpful to know you’re not alone, or to have the support of people who’ve “been there” but it’s not the way I work.  I’m too private to reveal shit about myself, and I’m too empathetic to not be distracted by other people’s troubles, in effect disregarding my own.  At break when every single person there chugged decaf coffee and went outside to smoke 5 cigarettes each in 10 minutes, I was accosted by a woman.

She recognized me from the kilt video.  wtf.

She said that she suddenly felt weird about it because she had cropped a still of the video in order to use it as her desktop wallpaper.  Wallpaper of my dick.  wtf.

She felt weird because she hadn’t realized I was so young, basically the age of her son, so she said she’d have to remove the wallpaper.  But then she started hitting on me and retracted that statement.  That creeped me out, not because she was older, since I’ve been with older, but because she had a son my age, which makes it different somehow.  Makes me think of my mother trying to hook up with one of my friends which just seems so wrong.  So yeah, after break, Pete and I didn’t go back in.  He understood, and today he’s going to help set me up with a counselor who specializes in addictions and substance abuse.  I don’t want that either, but I guess I should give it a try.

After we left the meeting, we went to Barnes & Noble.  On the way there I called Iona to meet us.  She showed up with Shannon.  I didn’t know she was going to bring her.  We all were just sitting around drinking various bizarre and expensive beverages that yielded stupid names but tasted fucking awesome, and talking.  Shannon was discretely flirting with me and giving me sexy looks whenever Iona wasn’t looking.  That just got too awkward and annoying for me to tolerate, so I broke at some point.

I said to Iona, “Are you aware that your friend came to my place a week ago specifically to fuck me?”

She said, “What?!”

Shannon said, “That’s bullshit, you’re the one who came to the bed where I was sleeping, in order to fuck me.”

I said, “Really?  That’s the story you’re gonna tell?”

Then Iona started crying and Shannon tried to console her by telling her I’m an asshole and a pig and I wasn’t worth it.

I just said, “Fuck this.”  And I grabbed my frothy decaf double latte espresso cappuccino caramel honey vanilla triple decker layered flaky mocha pie super big grande coffee or whatever the fuck I was drinking and went out front to have a smoke, figuring Pete would silently slip out behind me, not only because it was awkward, but also because he’s both my ride and my roommate.

When he came out he was like, “why did you say that?”  I shrugged and we walked towards the car.

Iona ran out as we were halfway across the parking lot and shouted “Grimm!”  That was the first time she ever called me Grimm and not Cowboy, so I knew she was pissed.  I stopped and handed Gary Oldman (II) off to Pete, because she doesn’t like screaming girls.  Iona approached and started shouting at me and pushing me.  Why can girls shove guys around and that’s ok?  If I did that to a girl I’d be arrested.  But yeah whatever anyway…

She was saying how could I do that to her, she thought I was different than other guys.  I was like, “I don’t even know what different from other guys even means.  I’m just me.”  She was sobbing and hurt and disgusted with me.  I had no idea what to say in my defense until I saw Shannon coming.  Then I said, “Believe what you want but your friend there is a manipulative little bitch.”

Shannon shouted “Fuck you!”  Then she came over and shoved me too.  She repeated, “Fuck you, you fucking asshole!”

I said, “Yeah, that’s classy.”

Then she slapped me.

Why can girls slap guys?  If I…well you get it, you invisible journal reading people.

So she slapped me and told me I was a pig.

I just said, “Yeah, I’m a pig.  And an asshole.  I am however you choose to see me.  But I know the truth.  This is between you two now, because I’m out of the picture.”

Pete tried to get involved at that point to back me up since he was there that night, but I told him not to bother and let’s go.  As we walked to the car, we left the girls arguing behind us.  As I got in the car I heard Iona cry out, “Grimm!  Don’t go!  Cowboy!”  But I shut the door and we drove away.  I didn’t want to leave her like that, but there was no resolving it there with Shannon.  They had to have it out without me.

Maybe I am an asshole for doing it the way I did, but I didn’t like the secrecy of it.  And I didn’t appreciate the games Shannon was playing.  And I didn’t like being in that situation and Shannon finding humor in it.  Iona is a nice person and she deserves better friends, not sluts like that.  I made a mistake by fucking her, but at least I came around and was honest.  And it wasn’t even cheating since Iona and I were openly in a non-committed relationship.  It’s just wrong that it was her friend.

Whatever.  I don’t even know if Iona was playing games by “testing” me with her “hot” friend like Sharly suggested.  If she was, I’m sure she didn’t expect her friend to try and fuck me.  Either way, I’m not a fucking game piece.  It was all too complicated and juvenile, too much freakin’ drama.  I don’t have any room for that shit in my life.

*******

previous Grimm 119: Grimm & the Aluminum Bat http://wp.me/p41c99-jB

next Grimm 121: Daily Fiber, Wall Grimm’s Philosophy of Mistakes, & Love Grimm http://wp.me/p41c99-jJ

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 116-140 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 111: Gunslinging Grimm the Kilted Cowboy Goes Viral

September 7, 2013

Thursday I got out of work at 5ish and I went with Iona, Morgan, and Danika to get some ice cream.  They were calling me the Kilted Cowboy because I was wearing my kilt which I haven’t worn in a long time.  I left it at my old apartment and when Pete moved out, he brought all my shit with him.  He’s a good friend.  So I was wearing my kilt with my Stepping Wolves and my Eastwood.  Hence the kilted cowboy.  Iona still calls me cowboy anyway.

Morgan brought along her new camera so she was photographing and videoing everything.  She and Danika had gotten their ice creams and sat at a nearby picnic table while we were waiting for ours.  I got mine and Iona got a frappe so that took the longest.  I got an ice cream cone, three huge scoops of chocolate.  Once Iona got her frappe, we started walking towards Morgan and Danika.  Morgan was videotaping.  And the next sequence of events she posted on her fb and Youtube and though I hate the fucking expression, it actually did go viral to the point that she’s gotten calls from ad companies and shit like that including people who want to interview me.  No freakin’ way.  I’m not interested in being an internet sensation–another expression I hate.

My name is Wall “Gunslinging” Grimm the Kilted Cowboy and this is the sequence of events that have exposed me globally.

WALL ‘GUNSLINGING’ GRIMM’S OPPORTUNITY FOR FAME:

If I begin by saying a huge wind came and you invisible journal reading people recall that I’m wearing a kilt, you might think you know what happened.  Well that’s part of it, but not all.

This huge wind whooshed through the parking lot.  There were tons of people, families, children.  Iona and I approached Danika and Morgan, who was videotaping our approach.  This huge wind came and since it’s been a long time since I’ve worn a kilt and I have my slow processing issues from the Gangsta, my first thought was, “shit, my hat.”  So I put my hand on my head to hold my hat on.  Morgan and Danika laugh and you can hear Danika saying, “oh yeah, don’t lose that hat cowboy” and Morgan said as my kilt blew up, “look at that gun,” to which Danika replied, “he’s a gunslinger” at which point you not only hear them laughing but other people nearby laughing or saying “oh my god” and stuff like that.

So the wind blows, I grab my hat, the wind blows up my kilt and my other hand has the ice cream cone in it.  When my kilt blew up I tried to stop it with my ice cream cone hand, but I missed as it whipped up.  Then the next part happened so fast.  I missed the kilt but I realized that I wasn’t wearing underwear so maybe I should cover my junk.  Keep my hat, cover my junk, the people behind me would just have to deal with the sight of my ass.

I bring my hand down, miss the kilt, bring it to conceal my amenities, but within those seconds I could feel the scoops of my three huge scoop ice cream cone about to fall off the cone.  I wasn’t willing to give up the ice cream, so as I moved my hand down I switched my grip from the cone to the ice cream itself, with the bottom part of my hand holding the top of the cone.  Then I could feel the cone was about to fall, so I pressed the ice cream against me to hold the cone. In other words, I smushed the ice cream against my balls.  Then the cone dropped.  And this was very clear to everyone as the wind continue to blow the kilt up.  I let go of the ice cream and finally brought the kilt down with my arm and held it there.  Then I went over to Morgan, who was still filming, and Danika, while Iona went to get me a new ice cream cone and some napkins.

Danika and Morgan were laughing so hard, they were like, why didn’t you just take your hat off and bring that down in front of you.  I was like, shut up.

And now the video is all over the internet, global, millions of hits, or something like that.  There’s a version that has my junk clouded over, then there’s the version at 18+ sites when you can see it all.  Thanks Morgan.  So now I’m Gunslinger Grimm, or the Kilted Cowboy, or the combination of the both.  And the term viral, just means that the internet is a disease that spreads.  I really don’t like technology very much.  But I do have a sense of humor so I’m not embarassed, in fact, I’m proud of my junk, I’ve got nothing to hide.  And the ice cream place gave me a new ice cream for free, because they saw the whole thing.  But they put it in a dish, bigger scoops than before, two huge scoops and the cone sticking up in the middle.  Funny.

*******

previous Grimm 110: Rejected Grimm & Cappuccino http://wp.me/p41c99-iN

next Grimm 112: Gary Oldman (II)’s Important Job http://wp.me/p41c99-iX

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 94-115 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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