December 11, 2014
I need a vacation from people. I used to like time to myself, and spent lots of time alone. I’d take off and travel on sporadic, spontaneous, and random occasions. But now I have three roommates, so I am never home alone. I sometimes go in my room for solitude, but if Pete or Cola haven’t taken Bogart out, then he’s at my door all confused as to why I’m in there with the door closed. He’s like a dog or a cat that way. Something unusual throws off the routine and he gets all disoriented.
I lived alone for a while and when I was home I’d talk to myself. I think people often talk to themselves, so it’s not a weird thing. But here with three roommates, I find that at times when I would normally talk to myself, I catch it before I do it, so now I’m just mumbling an awful lot. They say, what? what are you saying? what are you mumbling about?
I am Grimm the Mumbler. Mumbling Grimm. I used to be a Ramblin’ Man, but now I’m the Mumblin’ Guy.
I’m not complaining, just kind of expressing one aspect of my world that isn’t perfect. Generally my life is good these days. I’m busy which prevents me from thinking about things that might bring me down, like Valentina. In that way, never being alone is probably a good thing. External distractions are a manner by which I avoid internal destructions.
It was a year ago on November 29th that Valentina died. I’ve been trying to ignore it, but everyone knows about it and they’ve got that concerned look in their eyes. Except Bogart, of course, who is clueless, which is better than concerned. No one has brought up the subject, I think they know I am avoiding the topic altogether. I think about her every fucking day. I think about how she would be growing, learning, developing new skills, and reaching milestones. How she would look at me, smile, laugh, how it would feel to hold her, what she would smell like. How my entire world would revolve around her and she would be my ultimate priority for the rest of my life. How she would grow up and I’d have to beat up all her boyfriends and no one would ever be good enough for her.
I think of her every day, so I never expected that the anniversary of her death would be this intense. This time last year I was in the institution. Today is the anniversary of when Bogart arrived at the same institution and we met. I had anticipated raising a little girl, but ended up “adopting” an insane man-puppy-dog. The universe births strange designs.
Anyway, I’ve been struggling to avoid thoughts and discussions about Valentina, but it’s hard to contain. That’s why I’m writing it here. It’s too painful to keep to myself anymore, yet it would be even worse to talk to anyone about it. I think if I did it could only be Pete. He saw me at my worst and my weakest, so he knows, and I wouldn’t even need to say much. But I can’t do that because I think I would just crumble and disintegrate. Although being alone might set me off on a familiar path of self destruction, despite that I’ve accomplished so much and I have a lot of people relying on me, and my entire world now is set on a solid and dependable foundation. Yet I feel myself needing to get away, to run away like I used to, to escape somehow. This bothers me because my responsibilities are keeping me here, which means there are few choices in the way of how to escape. As a result, I’m thinking about drugs and alcohol. My abstinence had stabilized in terms of my ability to maintain it, and most times it was relatively easy. Temptations were overcome by weighing out the consequences and affirming self-pride. However, I’ve been feeling callous about all these positive things I’ve created in my life and in my self. I’m beginning not to trust myself anymore, which is always disconcerting. When you’re not able to trust yourself, then you are the least safe.
I guess it was bound to happen at some point, since I’ve been consistently less self absorbed, more reliable and mature, back to being the go-to-guy. The go-to-mumblin’ guy. A crash seems inevitable. That’s not an excuse, because I’m going to keep fighting it. I just had to let all that out. And, I’m well aware that whatever I’m battling within myself would be far worse if I did relapse, because then I’d have to contend with negative thoughts pertaining to personal worth.
Distractions help a lot. Things outside of me protect me from what’s inside. Things like the people I need a vacation from, school, work, Blues Monday, or “Walking Dead” and “American Horror Story”.
Therefore, my theme song for this journal entry is “Gods and Monsters” by Lana Del Rey, but the Jessica Lange version. Jessica Lange is captivating. I can’t take my eyes off her when she’s on the screen, she’s so freakin’ beautiful and talented she drives me crazy and she’s 60 something years old, but I want her. I want to make love to her, because you don’t “fuck” a lady like that, you make love to her. I think this is Jessica Lange’s last season on “America Horror Story” which sucks, because I can’t imagine the show without her. Anyway, I never heard of this song before I saw her sing it on the show, so I looked it up. I’m picking it for my theme song because I think the lyrics are appropriate for what I’ve been going through lately. There are some great lyrics that didn’t make it into the version for the show due to language. I would’ve liked to hear Jessica Lange sing those lyrics though. She’s so fucking hot. I think I’m in love with her. I’ve never even heard the original Lana Del Rey version, but as far as I’m concerned, the song only exists as sung by Jessica Lange.
And ummmm while I’m on the subject…..Jessica Lange, will you marry me?
previous Grimm: 217: A Sh*tload About A Lot of Sh*t http://wp.me/p41c99-16b
next Grimm 219: (untitled) http://wp.me/p41c99-17f
This is the scene from the show:
This is the iTunes version which has additional lyrics:
For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J
Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.