Today is Gary Oldman’s birthday. He turns 56 today. Happy Birthday Lord Gary Oldman.
My name is Wall Grimm and I wrote a birthday tale for Gary Oldman, which is a congruent yet oxymoronically disconnected conundrum describing why I dubbed him a Lord, even though the tale addresses that in no way whatsoever.
WALL GRIMM’S BIRTHDAY TALE OF GARY OLDMAN’S AMAZING JOURNEY
Once upon a time there was a man named Gary who was kind of a punk, but he decided to take up the piano in order to clean himself up. However, his own playing made him start to go deaf, so he left the concert hall to go to a magical school. But he got in trouble and was sent to prison. He eventually escaped from Alcatraz. Make that Azkaban. Disguising himself as a little person, he became involved in the world of street art and the avant garde, but David Bowie was too bizarre, even though later they would make a video together. His next career choice was that of a playwright, but Alfred Molina was insane. Molina had recently hunted down imposters on a cruise after his performance of Hamlet. This impressed Gary, so he went back to Hogwarts to find David Tennant so he could get a time machine. Since Gary was temporarily a police commissioner, he was able to use the police box, then he went back in time to hang out in Denmark with Pumpkin, who was yet to find his Honey Bunny.
Gary and Pumpkin were set to be hung so Gary moved on in search of another time machine. The Player only had a boat, but he needed a bigger one, so he was able to set him up with a flying saucer which only brought him back to his punk days with Nancy. Gary hadn’t realized at the time that Nancy was having an affair with Louis De Palma who happened to be the twin brother of the Terminator. Gary wanted nothing to do with the Terminator even though he was also capable of time travel. Instead he approached Reverend Jim who gave him a ride in his Delorean. This was a better option than anything else McMurphy could provide, despite his offer to put Gary up in a hotel. Jim took him once again to Hogwarts where Cedric Diggory turned him into a vampire. He remained there briefly while becoming comrades with a werewolf who would in the near future get naked, hang out on an island of mutants with the Godfather, have sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, and meet Brad Pitt in Tibet. This was before Brad met his wife who was in the psych ward with Mina Murray, who would eventual become Gary’s lover. Mina was kind of a strange girl who hung out with ghosts and at one time was in love with a barber who was good at pet grooming, hedge trimming, and making meat pies.
Before leaving Hogwarts, he befriended Gilderoy Lockhart who knew this guy named Marcellus. Marcellus was a cross dresser who hung out with a show girl. The show girl was wooed by Van Helsing. This was not the same Van Helsing Gary knew during his excellent adventure with Neo. Yet Gary recognized Monica Bellucci from both worlds. Gary was more familiar with Hannibal Lecter, who would eventually convince Gary to cut his face off. Discouraged and disfigured, Gary assassinated John F. Kennedy and condemned Jesus Christ to crucifixion.
Gary was so remorseful, he got plastic surgery and dreadlocks. He met Christian Slater who also knew Mina and Brad Pitt. Involvement with them became tedious, so soon after, Gary decided to opt out of that existence in order to establish a more positive lifestyle. But then he began stalking and trying to kill a 12 year old girl, who would one day be the mother of Princess Leia after a stint as a psychotic ballerina. Gary regretted these actions, became small again and called himself Tim. Fortunately an animated Jim Carey was able to save his life by not being such a greedy curmudgeon.
Frustrated with his failed attempts at soul searching, Gary, in the end, chose to live out the rest of his life as Elvis…
…until one day, he slipped through a veil and the world no longer had anything to do with him. Along his journey to find his own realm, he momentarily found it when he ended up in a city with a robotic cop. There, Gary approached a Bad Mother Fucker, who also knew Pumpkin. BMF introduced Gary to Obi, and this is where he once again was diverted from his own path. All thanks to Obi. Obi was an effeminate rocker drug addict in a kilt on a motorcycle. Obi took Gary to an Island where he met a girl with a pearl earring who liked zoo animals and Bill Murray, no relation to Mina. On the Island, Gary also met a chameleon who abducted a car salesman’s wife, only to later be cremated by the Dude. The most significant person he met was a hitchhiker who was part of the fellowship. He introduced Gary to an illiterate taxi driver who was really good at driving in the opposite direction on a European freeway. This ex-mafia don turned boxer brought him to Vietnam to meet a prisoner of war who later became a high end underground lord held captive by Eliot. Eliot had a sister who’s real father went into a psychological chamber and turned into a monkey. This caused nostalgia for Gary, remembering his days when he socialized with talking apes. Gary’s memories transported him back through to his personal realm.
The monkey man referred to Gary as Doctor while they travelled around in space together for quite some time, getting lost on occasion. Gary was glad to have returned to his own veil of existence, but he became weary of travel. So he decided to return to his own time, quit drinking, and settle down as a family man. And he lived happily every after.
Oh, and he likes bow ties. Bow ties are cool.
Happy Birthday Gary Oldman!