JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170

For easier access to individual posts, you can refer to the Journal Entries Index Page where the posts are numbered/titled chronologically with the links to each post.

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 170: Emma’s Birthday & Striving Grimm el Chico Tranquilo

March 18, 2014

Saturday was Emma’s birthday.  She was born on the Ides of March.  I’ve been working Saturdays, after I visit Bogart, which has been especially cool since Sharly started the coffee house.  But this Saturday she gave me off because Emma had invited me to her birthday celebration.

Basically, as usual, it was a family celebration for Emma.  Her immediate and some extended family go to her parents’ house for a day and evening of eating and talking.  All the time Emma was my best friend, she’d invite me.  Last year I didn’t go, she didn’t invite me, and/or I think I was in Boston.  Either way, I was pretty fucked up then.  The year before that was when Kathy committed suicide and I don’t really remember much how the early part of the year played out.

So anyway, first off, it was hard to figure out a perfect gift for Emma, but I got one.  I borrowed my mom’s car to go to the party and I left the gift in the car.  I was hoping for an opportunity to give it to Emma when we were separated from everyone else, because I didn’t want a bunch of “awwws” which is what would have happened.  I also wanted it to be a private moment between us.  So I waited for that opportunity.

When I arrived, her mother answered the door and gave me a big hug.  She touched my face and said “oh Valente, how are you doing darling?”  Her parents call me Valente because they knew me since I was 14, when Grimm was more of a nickname given to me by Emma, though it was more like Grim, and I didn’t legally change my name until I was 18.  I knew her mother was asking how I’m doing because she’s aware of all the stuff that’s been going on with me, particularly the most recent thing, the death of Valentina.  I told her I’m fine, but I was feeling both content and awkward that Emma likely had conversations with her mother about me.  I know this is true based on my accurate psychicisms.  But was Emma emphasizing what a loser I am or was she expressing concern and genuine sympathy?  It’s often difficult to have an objective perspective when intuiting things pertaining to yourself.  Doesn’t matter, either option sucks.

I went in and her father shook my hand and all her family seemed to be glad to see me.  It never felt awkward before, seeing her family, but it did Saturday.  The awkwardness was coming from me though.  I just was uncomfortable in my own skin.  I was feeling ashamed of mistakes and I also felt scrutinized as if everyone knew everything about me since they last saw me.  My own suicide attempt, the substance abuse, my stupidity, Valentina.  In order to be comfortable, I was forced to accept these things about myself, take them on, take them into me, and let them be what they were.  They were parts of me, the real me, and I’ve grown from all of it.  Instead of feeling ashamed, I chose to feel proud about how I’ve come to be where I am in life, and the fact that I’m making good progress.

For some reason, I hate when people use the word survivor when they’re just talking about life.  I mean, life in itself is surviving.  And if you’re alive, you’re surviving.  Survivor and victor are not synonymous, the way I see it, apart from the connotative sense that is the norm, but that’s not the definition that applies to my way of thinking.  Everyone survives their own obstacles and traumas, some people more than others.  People who get cancer or things like that are survivors, in the victorious sense of the word, especially since most of that entails the will to live, above and beyond what medical science is able to do.  Survivor means to me, simply existing.  In life, with all the circumstance from childhood on, surviving is expected, so it’s obvious.  There are the people who have been through natural disasters or wars, perilous circumstance beyond the trials of life such as extreme cases of victimization.  Yeah, those people are survivors if they live, victors if they come out ok, mostly from a psychological standpoint.  The meaning behind it all though, is overcoming something that would have otherwise killed you or destroyed you in some way, which I think is more of a victor.  I mean saying “I survived” sounds much less powerful than to say “I am victorious”.  In terms of the word survivor, the way it is tossed around, as for me, I guess I just don’t feel worthy of calling myself a survivor.  Basically, I’m just like an animal, doing what I got to do.  I just keep living and moving on.  I’m a striver, I guess, not a survivor, as in I’m not yet victorious.  And other than when I was a kid, I guess all the peril in my life I imposed upon myself.  Obviously I can’t be blamed for the deaths I’ve experienced, but that’s not surviving, that’s grieving and going forward.  I guess there’s the survivor who is the person who did not die from peril or was not destroyed mentally, emotionally, or psychologically, all circumstance imposed upon him or her, who is really a victor; and there is the survivor who got through life, who is all of us, with varying degrees of opposing situations.  In the end, when it is our time to die, we’ve all survived in one way or another until that moment, and some of us die victors.

Anyway, we were eating and talking and Emma’s grandmother speaks very little English but she was asking me why I was being so quiet.  Emma said to her, “Abuelita, èl nunca habla.”  And she responded, “Un chico tranquilo.”  “Sí, sí, muy tranquilo.  Èl habla mucho a veces, pero èl puede ser muy timido en compañia de muchas personas.  Recuerda?”

She said something like that, my Spanish isn’t great.  And of course, timido translates as shy, not timid.  My name is Wall Grimm and I am not timid.

The evening progressed and it was time for gift giving.  When it was my turn, I told her I had something else for her later, but for the moment I was going to play the harmonica for her.  So I got up and just kind of jammed a blues medley.  I’ve gotten pretty good at jamming on the harp.  Everyone started rooting me on in a bluesy kind of way and then the center of attention aspect of it got to be too much, so I said, that’s it, and sat down.  They applauded.  Emma was impressed.

Eventually people began leaving.  I decided to be the pain in the ass that they had to kick out later.  I intentionally planned to overstay my welcome.  But then as the last person was leaving, they invited me to spend the night.  Emma was spending the night.  They said I could sleep in the guest room.  I wanted to, but I opted out because, well, I guess I didn’t want Emma to get sick of me.  I also kind of wanted to leave before I no longer was able to control myself.  I imagined her parents would go to bed and she and I would stay up talking, and then I’d borderline sexually assault her by coming on too strong, and she’d get pissed off, and I would end up ruining what would otherwise have been a perfect evening.  So yeah, I wasn’t going to set myself up for that.  That’s called wisdom.  Not only learning from your mistakes, but utilizing the knowledge you’ve acquired.  I’m getting good like that.

I said no, but stayed a little longer, and her parents did end up going to bed.  Then I decided to get the gift out of the car, give it to her, and leave.  But that’s not how it played out in the end.  Yet I’ll have to continue this another time because I’m going upstairs to have coffee with Howard.  If I don’t get up there in time, I miss the awesome breakfast Daisy prepares.

My theme song is “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” by Eric Idle/Monty Python from “The Life of Brian”, hopefully for obvious reasons when elderly Grimm reads this.

*******

previous Grimm 169:  Grimm the Oxymoronic Dork Greaser Eats a Snickers http://wp.me/p41c99-FV

next Grimm 171: Emma’s Birthday part II & the Premature Boom http://wp.me/p41c99-I7

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

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Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 169: Grimm the Oxymoronic Dork Greaser Eats a Snickers

March 14, 2014

Yesterday, Pete, John, Ayla, Morgan, Sweetheart, and I dressed up like we were from the 50’s and then we went bowling.  Sweetheart actually joined us, which is a good thing.  Very unusual.  For a bohemian, she rarely leaves the apartment.  We convinced her to come and I believe she had a good time.  Though I missed part of it, which I will get into…  Anyway, it was pretty cool to be around Sweetheart without sex being some kind of strange force field in the air.  It was also a relief to not have the heaviness of Valentina’s death hovering about us.  Rather, there was definitely the grief, yet it was something we shared that brought us together in a way, the same sadness which is all encompassing, yet not seeming to be so debilitating anymore, at least not last night.  And being around her this time, finally I felt like I could be there for her and step outside myself.  Especially since I was dressed as a greaser.

So we were bowling and I got a strike and turned around enthusiastically to face the gang and Ayla called me a dork.  I said that I’m not a dork.  She says I am, most times, but in an adorable way.  I don’t know how to interpret that but adorable dork seems like an oxymoron to me.  An oxymoronic dork.  An adorable moron.  I decided to prove I was a cool greaser so I changed my shoes and went out to smoke the cigarette I had behind my ear, from the pack I had rolled up in my t-shirt sleeve.  I didn’t really feel the need to prove anything, I just wanted a smoke.

I went out and my lighter wasn’t working so I walked across the street where there was a convenient store, not a convenience store, but a store conveniently placed, and I bought a lighter.  When I walked out, I lit my cigarette and was waiting for the traffic to ease so I could cross, when a car pulled up and there were three women in the car, looked like they were in their late 20’s early 30’s.  They asked me if I was aware I looked like I was from the 50’s.  I said there’s no way I’d dress like this otherwise, it’s a thing my friends and I were doing.  They asked me to go for a ride with them so I did.  I don’t know why.  I just get curious about what can happen.  I figure if I say no, then I’ll always wonder what I missed out on, good or bad.

We drove and they were blasting music I hate and singing along with it.  They talked to me by shouting over the music.  We drove for about a half an hour and then they pulled into the parking lot for a bar.  I was like, this is the end of the line for me ladies, and I left after I had to resist lots of begging in that flirtatious way women have when they try to get men to do what they want.  Most times that works, but I was pretty strong willed last night, not even tempted.

They gave up, went in, and I began to walk, but it was cold in only a leather jacket and walking would take too long, so I decided to hitchhike to get back.  I walked about ten minutes, sticking out my thumb to passing motorists, when a car pulls up.  It was two teenagers, a boy and a girl.  They asked me to buy for them, I was like nope, you’re asking the wrong guy for that.  Then they confessed that they were tripping on acid.  I could tell by the way the kid was driving.  It was kind of freaking me out.  I think it’s the only time I’ve been in a car with a tripping driver when I wasn’t tripping myself.  Made me realize how lucky I am to be alive.  I told the kid to pull over, I’d drive.  Part of me wanted to fuck with them, get them paranoid that I was some kind of serial killer or psychopath, but I was in a mature frame of mind which was interesting.  I began to consider myself an unusual and unpredictable specimen.  There must be a scientific explanation to that, right Scully?

The kids were too trusting and let me get behind the wheel.  The gas light was on and not long after, the car ran out of gas.  We couldn’t make it to the gas station which was about a block away.  I walked there with them, bought them some gas and was going to move on my own way.  It’s good for me to see how stupid people are when they’re fucked up, reminds me how much I’d rather not be an idiot.  But instead, I walked back with them, put the gas in their car since they didn’t know how to do it from the gas can.  Then I said I’d return the can to the station, so I said goodbye.  As I was walking away, they seemed to finally realize how I was dressed and they told me I looked like I was from “The Outsiders” movie which they watched instead of reading the book for school.  Yep, bye.

I returned the gas can to the station.  While I was there, I bought a Snickers bar, and I ran into James on my way out.  I didn’t know who he was at first, but he was like, “remember me? at Sharly’s? I protected you from the scary girl ghost.”  Oh.  He told me he liked my ensemble and then I got a ride from him back to the bowling alley.  As I was getting out of the car, he told me if I ever decide to pitch for the other team and was interested in an older black man, to get in touch with him.  I said, “you flatter me. thanks for the ride.”

I went in the bowling alley and my friends were like, “where the hell have you been?”  I said I was there the whole time, just went out for a smoke and got a Snickers.  As I opened the Snickers, I asked, “did I miss my turn?” before taking a bite.  They said they tried to call but my phone was there.  I said that was proof, I’d never leave my phone in case Gary Oldman should call.

Then I confessed that the sirens tried to tempt me to drown myself, two teenagers in an alternate dimension tried to kill me, and a I was sexually propositioned by a 40 year-old black man.  They didn’t believe me.

Ayla called me a dork again.  It was a strange fucking night.

The most irrelevant yet appropriate or inappropriate and relevant theme song for this journal entry is “Prince of Parties” by Flight of the Conchords.  I fucking love that show.

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previous Grimm 168:  Random Thoughts, Grimmheads, & Vincent LaGuardia Grimmbini http://wp.me/p41c99-Fr

next Grimm 170: Emma’s Birthday & Striving Grimm el Chico Tranquilo http://wp.me/p41c99-H6

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 168: Random Thoughts, Grimmheads, & Vincent LaGuardia Grimmbini

March 11, 2014

I don’t really have much at all to say today so I’m just going to mention a series of random things.  My name is Wall Grimm and today I am random.

WALL GRIMM’S RANDOM DAY TO DAY THOUGHTS:

It’s nice to be on Spring Break, been on since Friday, and that’s all I have to say about school.

Upskirt shots are legal.  My thoughts on that?  Wrong.  That’s coming from someone who’s been the target of upkilt shots.  And upkilt in general.  I mean, if you have a chance to peak up a skirt and catch a glimpse of paradise, that’s just nature and circumstance.  Otherwise, it’s wrong, so don’t even argue with me.  The government is stupid.

The U.S. government is more totalitarian than people either realize or will admit.  I mean, think of the definition of the word govern.

I visited Bogart on Saturday.  He asked me when I’d be going back to stay with him again.  Interesting perspective.  He still seems to be driving people nuts but I’m not sure if he’s actually mellowed out and he’s just that manic now only when I visit because he gets excited, or if he’s still constantly in that state.

I was thinking about gangrene the other day.  Gangrene freaks me out.  It’s disturbing to think that a part of your body can die and decay and just fall off.  I think it spreads too if it’s not taken care of.  So I’m thinking if your body is gradually decaying, does that mean you’re becoming a zombie?  I mean you’re at least semi walking dead in a way, right?  I was reading the symptoms and one of them is that you hear a crackling sound when you press down on the affected area.  Whaat daa fuuck… that’s just…fucking (I just shuddered).  The body is a peculiar collection of tissue and strange functions, and yet somehow there is consciousness and free will in all of that.  Why are humans more advanced than amoebae?  One fortunate trait about humans is that, unlike some species, they can’t change gender for procreation purposes.  Well, I think that’s a good thing.  Some trannies would probably disagree.  That’s too X-Files though.  We also can’t spray people with our stink glands like skunks.  I think that would be a cool defense mechanism.  But at the same time it’s kind of a pussy thing to do.  Instead of getting in there like a predator and fighting to the death, you make someone smelly and run away.  Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be an amoeba, or a gender transforming thing, or a skunk.  And I don’t want to get gangrene.  I think I want to be a zombie though, at least temporarily to see what it’s like, and then my friends can kill my brain.

Speaking of zombies, one thing people in zombie movies rarely seem to address is killing the brain.  It takes them a while to figure that technique out.  Are the only survivors, according to the film industry, the people who’ve never seen a zombie film?  Is there that suspension of disbelief that zombies were never a genre or a science fictional possibility and so the survivors have to learn the rules that have already been established in the real yet ‘fake’ world?  I mean, all the zombie fanatics should really be the people to survive.  That would make sense.  I think so anyway.

Every now and then I appreciate cotton swabs.  On occasion, I think ‘holy shit what I really fucking need is to clean my ears!’  It’s a strange thing.  You never think of your ears until out of no where, that’s what you absolutely need to do more than anything else.  Then when you get those swabs and start swabbing your ears, it feels so fucking good.  Like an eargasm.  You don’t earjaculate though, because that would be fucking gross.

A few of the guys in The Convoy call me Wally or Wally Boy.  I hate it.  But when true Blues guys give you a nickname, it’s really an honor.  So I’m not complaining.  Except that Wally’s a dumb name.  I apologize to any invisible journal reading people by the name of Wally.  It’s just a dumb name for me.  For you, I’m sure it’s awesome.  Nice name, Wallies.

Maybe if I ever became an icon for some strange reason, my fans would be Wallies, or Wallites, or…wallets.  Or Grimm-ites, which reminds me of granite so I like that.  Grimmions, no, Grimmies, no.  Grimmheads.  Yeah, I like that.  Or Wallheads.  No Grimmheads.  That’s awesome.

I thought a good rapper name would be Testas Terone, or Testos Tyrone or something like that.  If I was a rapper…nah, I’d never be a rapper.

But if I was a spy, I’d be Grimm, Wall Grimm.

If I was in a movie with Gary Oldman, I’d want us to be psychopathic comrades.

If I was in a movie with Robert DeNiro, I wouldn’t want it to be a mafia film.  But neither would I want it to be something like “Meet the Parents”.  It would be more like “Mean Streets”.  Or mafia only if it’s “The Godfather” and I was a Corleone, but they never use the word mafia, just so you know.

If I was in a movie with Emma Stone, we’d have to have a love scene.  I could go on and on about actresses but I won’t.

If I was in a movie with Bruce Willis, there would have to be a scene in which I kick his ass.  The same goes for Chuck Norris, Javier Bardem.  There are no true bad ass actors that are my age.  I think the scariest mother fucker is Danny Trejo.  So I’d want to kick the shit out of him in a film too.  Ray Liotta’s too intense to even be in the same room with.

I’d like to be in film noir and I also want to be in a Dario Argento horror flick.  Definitely Hitchcock, Tarantino, and Scorsese films.  And Clint Eastwood.  I’d want to actually be Clint Eastwood though, back in “A Fistful of Dollars”.

If I were to change my name again, it would be Vincent LaGuardia Grimmbini.

Speaking of Joe Pesci, my theme for this journal entry is not a song, but that scene from “Goodfellas”, “what the fuck is so funny about me…” probably one of his most famous scenes ever.

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previous Grimm 167:  Mixed Emotions and Undefined Philosophies http://wp.me/p41c99-Ew

next Grimm 169:  Grimm the Oxymoronic Dork Greaser Eats a Snickers http://wp.me/p41c99-FV

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 167: Mixed Emotions and Undefined Philosophies

March 7, 2013

Howard’s granddaughter Edie came to visit Howard and Daisy the other day.  She came with her mom.  At the time, Howard and I were sitting in his living room and having one of our conversations.  He’s a great guy to talk to, but sometimes it’s annoying because he tries to give me advice.  I know he’s got age and experience over me, but I kind of like to figure things out for myself.  Also, most of the things he says I’ve already thought of, maybe I just haven’t put them into action.  No matter what, I like our conversations, that usually start of silently, then a word or two gets thrown in, then words gradually get added, until we’re actually saying shit.

When Edie and her mom arrived, Howard and I had just started talking about him and his life for once, which was really interesting.  He usually asks me questions about mine and I’m kind of vague.  Needless to say, I was disappointed when the conversation had to end.  They arrived and I went outside for a smoke, then went downstairs to my place.  Not long after that, Edie came knocking on my door.

She asked why I left and I told her that it’s a family thing going on up there.   She said that Howard, whom she referred to as Grampa, considered me to be family.  Well that’s cool.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Howard even likes me.  Then I said that I bet he doesn’t want me talking to her though.  She laughed and kissed me.  When she stopped, she gave me this smile that I translated as “let’s fuck” but yeah, I could’ve been wrong about that.  I started kissing her more and she began rubbing my dick and squeezing my balls over my pants.  I got really hard.  Then she stopped and said, “I should go back upstairs.  See you later.”  I wanted to say hey wait a minute, get back here, but then I figured if it went further, Howard would either come down and catch us or find out somehow.  Then he’d kick me out.  Plus, I don’t beg.  I think she just wanted to tease me though.  She wanted me to believe something was going to happen so I’d get all hot and bothered.  wtf.  wtf about Edie and wtf about Howard.  I have no philosophies about that, but I’m going to try and figure it out.

My name is Wall Grimm and these are my unformed philosophies:

WALL GRIMM’S PHILOSOPHIES ABOUT GIRLS WHO TEASE AND WHY HOWARD LIKES ME BUT DOESN’T LIKE ME.

I think girls like when they get a guy all ready to go and then stop because then the guy becomes debilitated in many ways and is transformed into this mass of mindless jelly and sexually induced brainlessness.  Then the girl has the ability to dictate the situation, with any decent guy that is.  Non-decent guys will not be able to control themselves.  But I think most girls have a sense of which guys are safe to use this power against.  I’m one of those guys.  So they get the guy to the point that there’s a fine line between remaining in control and pure Neanderthal.  There is a fraction of thought left which keeps control on one side.  On the other side, the mindlessness is all about physiological gratification.  So they leave you on the brink of that, and then the only words you can say are “but, wait, hey, but, but, but, hey, b-b-bblll-blbblbbbb”.  And they laugh because they’ve metamorphosed a once cool and confident guy into an erect penis which just stands there like an idiot with one goal in mind, and completely incapable of charming his way in her pants or making any sense.  The girls like that, I think, because it makes them either feel good about themselves, or they’re just amused by it.  In Edie’s case I think it amused her.  That makes me think she’s a bitch.  Because it’s not funny.  Not nice.  And the thing about it in my case in particular is that once sex comes into play, or the prospects of it, there goes all my psychicisms and intuitions.  I’m like a piece of wood in more ways than one.

My thoughts on Howard are that he likes me, sees himself in me, but maybe too much for him to want me near his granddaughter.  He doesn’t want to think of her getting involved with a guy like me, who doesn’t completely have his shit together yet, and who also has his intentions for another girl in the end.  Simple as that.

And yeah those are lame philosophies, but whatever.

So she left me down there, almost too horny to jerk off if that makes any sense.  But I had to do it.  And I hate jerking off around Gary Oldman (II) because she jumps on the bed and gets fascinated by the whole process.  If I have the blankets covering me, she tries to attack whatever’s moving beneath the blanket.  Then I have to go finish in the bathroom because that’s just weird and distracting.

But this day she was occupied with one of my socks that she was pouncing on and running around with in her mouth, so I stayed on the bed and of all people Emma called during it.  There’s no way I’m ignoring a call from Emma.  She reminded me that her birthday’s coming up and she wanted to invite me to go to her family’s house for cake.  This amazed me.  I mean, I always saw Emma on her birthday, except for last year, I was so fucked up at this time last year, and that was after the Valentine demolition and everything.  But anyway, so I was just like “ohh yeah” as in both surprise and in ecstasy as I couldn’t help but continue what I was doing somewhat while hearing Emma’s voice.  She was like, “are you ok?” “yeah why?” “you sound out of breath. were you working out?” “yeah, that’s what I’m doing” yeah I’m working it real hard Emma.

Not my fault so shut up invisible people.

I slowed down though, and waited until we hung up for me to cum.  See, I have respect.

Anyway, so this journal entry is about mixed emotions I guess: pissed off, annoyed, and sexually frustrated because of Edie; annoyed, offended, and disparaged by Howard, (disparaged, good word); and sexually frustrated, disparaged, and yet encouraged because of Emma.  Encouraged because maybe we’ll be friends like we used to be.  In the end if I can’t have her, at least I’d settle for that.

My name is Wall Grimm and I am pissed off, annoyed, offended, disparaged, sexually frustrated, yet amazingly hopeful.  It’s just a way of life.

And so, based on this, my theme song is “Kiss Off” by the Violent Femmes.

*******

previous Grimm 166:  The Actors, the Disney Princess, the Egyptian God, & Uncle Dan http://wp.me/p41c99-CQ

next Grimm 168:  Random Thoughts, Grimmheads, & Vincent LaGuardia Grimmbini http://wp.me/p41c99-Fr

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 166: The Actors, the Disney Princess, the Egyptian God, & Uncle Dan

March 3, 2014

BLUES MONDAY

Today I want to talk about five people specifically:  Bogart, Snow White, my Character Amon-Re, Gary Oldman, and Uncle Dan.

BOGART:  I went to see Bogart on Saturday and he hasn’t changed much apart from being less manic, which I guess is the point of the electroconvulsive therapy.  Still no idea when he’s getting out, and though I’d like to see him and I originally wanted him to move in with me, I’m not sure if that’s even possible.  I take him as the kind of person who can’t be left alone to his own devices.  This guy would get in trouble.  And he has no qualms about sexually assaulting people, or being randomly violent or aggressive.  When I first got there I didn’t see him, he wasn’t in the common room yet, but he came up behind me and grabbed my balls and squeezed, which was agonizing and I had to repeatedly ask him to let go, through the pain and trying not to beg or be at his mercy.  Normally, I’d have punched him in the fucking face for that, but with Bogart, I’m trying not to encourage violence, since it’s too much of a game to him.  When we were eventually sitting down and talking, a girl walked by and he just grabbed her, pulled her on his lap, and started groping her all over.  He even tried to put his hands down her pants.  She was struggling so I stood up and freed her from him.  She was upset and he was just laughing.  He finds amusement in everything inappropriate.  It’s like he doesn’t have the area in his brain that allows him to understand right and wrong or to acknowledge when he hurts someone.  Everything’s a big joke.  So I freed this girl and she wrapped her arms around me, starting kissing my neck and telling me she loves me.  Bogart was telling me I should fuck her.  He’s so clueless at times.  Anyway, it was impossible to get rid of her so the visit was cut short.  I’m not sure if I can have Bogart living with me while I’m going to school, working, or living with Howard.  I’ll have to rethink this.  He’ll probably sexually assault all my girl friends.  A couple of them though, I don’t think they’d mind since he has that cockney accent and I’ll admit he’s an attractive guy.  Also, he is pretty funny most of the time.  But still.  I was in a different place when I was there with him, I’m in a new phase of life now.

SNOW WHITE:  Speaking of sex, I heard from Snow White.  It’s been a long time.  She said she’s coming up to Boston this Summer and wants to get together.  That’d be great, she’s sweet.  But I had vowed to myself not to fuck her, since she is so sweet and virginesque, she’s a really nice girl.  It’s a challenge being around girls when there’s no chance to fuck them.  There are the girls, like Snow White, that you decide you shouldn’t fuck for moralistic reasons, and then the entire time you’re with them, your mind is saying, “fuck her, just fuck her, fuck her, you know you want to fuck her, just do it, fuck her, fuck her now”.  Then there are the girls who made it clear they don’t want to, and your mind says, “try to fuck her, change her mind, you need to fuck her, you have to try, try and fuck her”.  Then there are the girls that you shouldn’t even think of in that way like your friend’s girlfriends, your girlfriend’s friends, other guy’s wives, and your mind says, “you can fuck her, go on and do it, nobody needs to know, just fuck her”.  Then there are lesbians, and your mind just says more of the same shit.  Lastly, there are the girls you don’t even want to fuck because they kind of turn you off, but your mind tells you to “fuck her anyway”.  Well, I guess it isn’t the mind, it’s the second mind that resides in the crotch.  Anyway, she’ll come up to visit and this is what will be going on internally for me.  Sorry, but it’s true.  That’s just the way it is.  And on top of all that, you have to pay attention to what the girls are saying and pretend like this shit isn’t going on inside.  Should it be taken as an insult or a compliment?  Well, best to take it as a compliment and leave it at that.  It’s not that profound of a thing and doesn’t need further analysis.

AMON-RE:  I’m liking my novel so far.  It’s kind of therapeutic.  He’s kind of a more fucked up version of me.  So, it makes me feel better about myself that I’m not that fucked up, and it also makes me feel proud to be creating this whole world.  What’s interesting is that he is with me everywhere.  My mind is circulating with events and experiences that he could have and I’ve imagined things that happened in his past that I haven’t written yet.  It’s like he’s a real person.  It’s pretty intense.  I don’t even know how I’m going to end his story yet, but I’m liking the process so much, maybe I’ll just keep writing until it ends itself.  I guess it needs an end though.

GARY OLDMAN:  I haven’t done a Gary Oldmanism in a long time, or mentioned him in a while, so this is just gratuitous.  Hi Gary Oldman.  Hey man, how’s it going?

UNCLE DAN:  Uncle Dan is my mother’s brother.  His name is Dangelo, but he’s called Dan.  Now, being Italian, you get the whole greaseball insult thing and kind of blow it off.  But Uncle Dan is definitely a big smelly greaseball.  He’s always sweaty and he always looks greasy.  I don’t see him anymore much.  He comes and goes, doesn’t live around here.  Though he used to live around here when I was a kid and I saw him a lot.  I don’t know why I even put him on my list or felt like talking about him.  I guess there’s shit I want to say, but I don’t want to even say it here in my journal even though no one will read this.  Maybe I just don’t want the words out in the world.  Maybe I don’t want them made concrete.  Maybe I don’t want to formulate the thoughts in my head and create the words and then see them on the paper.  Yeah, maybe Uncle Dan is a subject for another time.

Anyway, I’m done with Winter.  I haven’t done much of the outdoor stuff that I usually like to do.  Skiing, hiking, snowball fights, building snowmen and snow forts.  I always liked to be like a kid in the Winter and play in the snow.  I’ve waterproofed my Stepping Wolves, but it’s too easy to slip on the ice with them, and most days are too windy for my Eastwood.  One thing I’ve always wanted to try was snowshoeing however, which I have done this Winter, since Howard has snow shoes.  It’s pretty awesome.  But otherwise it even sucks to go running since there aren’t enough sidewalks and there’s ice everywhere.  I’m not complaining though, I’m just looking forward to Spring.  So is Gary Oldman  (II).  She’s not liking the idea of going out into the cold anymore.  She gets this expression in her eyes like, “you’re fucking kidding me.”  I give her a look back that says, “tell me about it.”  We communicate telepathically like that.

My theme song for today is “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve, because that’s kind of the mood I’m in.  Also, it reminds me of Amon-Re and if my novel is ever made into a movie, I want that song in the sound track.

*******

previous Grimm 165: Gender, Psychicisms, & Grimm Morrison the Lizard King http://wp.me/p41c99-Bi

next Grimm 167:  Mixed Emotions and Undefined Philosophies http://wp.me/p41c99-Ew

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 165: Gender, Psychicisms, & Grimm Morrison the Lizard King

February 25, 2014

Sharly has decided to start a kind of coffee house thing at the book store.  She’s going to have singers on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.  On Sunday afternoons and Wednesday nights she’s going to have poetry slams.  Friday night was the first night.  That’s pretty cool and I’ll get to work some of those times.  The best thing about it for me personally, is now I have an official venue when I want to perform my song for Emma.  Sharly said we could make it a special party for whatever reason I decide to say I’m having it, and The Convoy and I can perform.  That will be weird though because we usually just jam, and it will be strange to perform in front of all the people I know.  It will be awesome though to be able to show I’ve been doing something constructive, and by then I’ll have completed my first semester back at school, so I’ll have a lot to be proud of.  I just need a way to guarantee that Emma will be there, and I also need to know when she’s planning to move to Spain.  Maybe I can call it a going away party, then she’ll definitely be there, but then I’d also have to invite all her friends and family, since we don’t really have the same group of friends.  She’s hung out with my friends rarely, but only with me, and not vice versa.

The question is, if I throw the party specifically for her, and all her friends and family are there, would it piss her off or embarrass her if I were to perform for her in front of them?  I’ll have to figure something out.  But I will be feeling kind of shy up there.  I’ll be like Jim Morrison when he used to sing with his back to the audience.  Grimm Morrison.  “I am the Lizard King, I can do anything.”  “I am the crawling king snake and I rule my den.”  “Let me sleep all night in your soul kitchen.”  “Eyes in her nipples.”

Anyway, I remember a long time ago, when Emma used to have conversations with me, this was before it got awkward because my heart would throb and the blood would be pumping to my dick which throbbed as much as my heart, and I’m sure she sensed it.  Especially after I professed my love for her.  Or maybe it started to go downhill that time we kissed and she slapped me.  Anyway, I remember her telling me that she was tired of being sexualized.  That was when she’d tell me that she liked being my friend because I don’t sexualize her.  But she had no idea what thoughts were going through my mind.  I just treated her like a friend and it just got to be too much to contain.  But yeah, she said she hated to be sexualized and that she identifies with men more than women, but she is never not a woman.  Yet she doesn’t get the pure interaction with men that other men do, because she is no doubt a woman, and the sexualization happens no matter how much they respect her.  She told me she wished she could live life in a man’s shoes for a while, not for sexual reasons, but just as an identity, to get to know herself in a different way, and to have people respond to her in a different way.  Since sometimes we inadvertently define ourselves by how others view us, and their view of us is usually skewed by gender.  She said gender skews perspective more often than race.  And she’s saying that as both a woman and a non-white.  I’ve heard other women too say that they like to be “one of the guys” but it’s hard to always be treated in a gender neutral kind of way.

Personally, I have a very difficult time treating women like men, or disregarding gender.  I feel sexually attracted to most women.  There is an inevitable sexual tension between me and most women I interact with.  But, the thing is, I’ve got my psychicisms going on and I sense it come from them as well.  I perceive their sexualization of me.  The difference I guess is that maybe men don’t feel the need to prove themselves beyond gender, but women seem to want that recognition.  When a guy is sexualized, it just boosts his ego.  In that way, I guess there is an under the surface sexism in our society.  Not that men expect the whole barefoot and pregnant thing, but that for many men, a strong woman is a threat against their manhood.  If a woman does something better than them, they feel like less of a man.  A lot of men don’t feel that way though.  I don’t feel that way, and I think most guys in my generation don’t for the most part because we’ve been raised around strong women, the women post suffrage and post equality and all that.  Because in our history, those things didn’t happen too long ago.  It’s a very young era.  But yeah, I never feel threatened by strong women.  I admire them.  Anyone who feels threatened by someone else’s power, regardless of gender, has their own personal issues they need to contend with, which shouldn’t be imposed on anyone else.  My issues are based on myself, not other people.  And the strength and abilities of other people don’t cause me to feel like less of a person in anyway.  It just gives me inspiration.

I just happen to know what I’m capable of, and I know it’s some good stuff.  And I used to use my psychicisms to my advantage, now I’m getting back to that again.  They were blocked for a while, or overwhelmed and distorted when I was drinking and drugging.  If I’m in a room and someone walks in, I immediately know their mood and how to be around them.  I know what their impression is of me, whether or not I know them.  I was at Dunkin Donuts the other day, and this guy walked in and I just knew he felt insecure because he was older like 50’s and overweight and he wanted to be young like me, and I’m in good shape.  He felt self conscious that I might be judging him because of his age and size.  That I would be forming opinions about him as a man or a person.  I knew he felt uncomfortable around young people, and he missed his youth.  He was going through a phase that plagued him with dissatisfaction and a lack of fulfilment in his life.  He traced it back to his younger days and other choices he could have made.  So that’s something I don’t want for my self.  I don’t want to be older some day and feel unfulfilled.  I want to look back on my life with the wisdom I gained through my experiences.  I want to look back and forgive myself for mistakes I made along the way, and the pride in how I survived.  I want to like who I am when I am older.  I don’t want disappointment to cloud my sense of self or shape my identity.  And I don’t want my greatest disappointment to be not “getting” Emma.  If it never happens, I want to move on from it with dignity.  No more groveling.  This performance for her will be my final effort.  Then she will move to Spain, and maybe I will never see her again.

And though there will always be a part of me that pines for her, essentially I just want her to be happy.  And if I’m not capable of making her happy, it doesn’t matter, because she knows how to do that for herself, which makes her a powerful person, regardless of gender.

My theme song is “Indian Summer” by The Doors.

*******

previous Grimm 164: Grimm’s Culminating Identity http://wp.me/p41c99-Bd

next Grimm 166:  The Actors, the Disney Princess, the Egyptian God, & Uncle Dan http://wp.me/p41c99-CQ

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 164: Grimm’s Culminating Identity

February 21, 2014

Wednesday night there was another snow storm, kind of white out at times, but Pete hosted a get together.  A drug and alcohol free get together on my behalf.  He knows I’ve been kind of frustrated that I can’t hang out with many of my friends much because it’s hard not to drink and drug, and also I don’t want to expect them to abstain on my behalf.  So he set it up for me.  It was a small party and it was actually a lot of fun.  I can’t remember ever having fun like that with a large group of people when at least drinking wasn’t involved.  The last time for me was probably a birthday party when I was a kid, but then the adults were probably drinking wine.  So maybe it never has happened for me.

Pete, Sweetheart, Danika, Morgan, Ayla, Jay, Jeff, and John were there.  A few others were invited including Hasty and Emma, but they couldn’t make it because of the storm.

We watched the new episode of “Walking Dead” on demand, which was a good one.  Then we watched this old horror movie with Alice Cooper called “Monster Dog.”  That movie was wicked fucking awesome.  He was a singer and they went to a creepy house to film a music video.  The first video they played was called “Identity Crisises”

“sometimes I’m James bond, sometimes I’m Billy the Kid, sometimes I feel like Sherlock Holmes, sometimes I feel like Jack the Reeeeper….” awesome.

Then we played some games – Quelf, Apples to Apples, Guess Who, and The Awkward Family Photo Game.

In Quelf, my character was The Dude.

At the end of a couple of rounds of Apples to Apples, we all read the cards we won aloud, because we said they were supposed to describe us.  There’s an adjective on each card and three synonyms to emphasize its meaning.  This is what I got:

HARDWORKING – industrious, diligent, busy.  I guess I have been these days.  It’s a lot of work to not drink and drug, and I’ve been trying to get my shit together.  I’m doing well in school and responsible for Sharly.  And I’ve been diligent with my efforts to appeal to Emma.

SNAPPY – stylish, trendy, fast.  I think I’m just fast.

SILLY – goofy, absurd, nonsensical.  I guess I have a silly sense of humor at times.  And I don’t always make sense.

PATHETIC – pitiful, distressing, heart-rending.  No comment.

OUTRAGEOUS – shocking, scandalous, disgraceful.  I have been known to be these things.

WORLDLY – experienced, sophisticated, materialistic.  Experienced, yes.  Sophisticated, I can be.  Materialistic, nope.

NERDY – unhip, uncool, dorky.  ummmm I don’t think so….?  Maybe I’m not so “cool” anymore since I quit drinking.  But being healthy and not doing stupid shit because you’re high and drunk is cooler.

CHARISMATIC – alluring, magnetic, charming.  Alluring – I don’t have a hard time getting laid.  Magnetic – I have magnetic blood which stops watches.  Charming – I’ve been told I’m charming many times.

POWERFUL – strong, forceful, robust.  Yeah, I’d say so.  In diverse settings and situations, and in differing aspects of my personality and behavior.

SHARP – pointed, keen, acute.  I’ll go along with that.  But of course, I seem to be going along with only the positive ones.

FABULOUS – marvelous, wonderful, incredible.  Ok, no comment on this one.  I could either say something that makes me sound vain, or I could get all self deprecating about it.

BELIEVABLE – trustworthy, credible, convincing.  Sure, why not.  Do you Invisible Journal Reading People believe that?  Yeah, maybe I didn’t say anything to convince you.

CRAZY – insane, bizarre, wacky.  Yeah ok, I’ll go with that too.  Especially when I was drinking and drugging.  Now I’m kind of serious and mellow, but kind of insane, with bizarre thoughts and wacky ideas.  Yeah, I’m a little crazy.

SEXY – arousing, appealing, seductive.  Why, thank you.

ZANY – crazy, funny, wacky.  Ok, I guess I can’t deny that I am crazy.

PAINFUL – hurtful, agonizing, unbearable.  I’m sorry.

PLAYFUL – fun, frisky, entertaining.  Yeah, I can be like that.  When drunk it was called recklessness.  Now it’s just frisky.

CHEESY – trashy, tawdry, far-fetched.  This one makes me sad.

HANDSOME – attractive, elegant, fine.  I know I’m not ugly.  I know that much.  So, thanks again.

Ok, to sum up, my name is Wall Grimm and I am a hardworking, snappy, silly, pathetic, outrageous, and worldly nerd.  I am charismatic, powerful, sharp, fabulous, and believable.  I’m a crazy, sexy, zany, painful, playful, cheesy yet handsome dude.

Does that sum me up?  I guess anything could be interpreted the way you want to see it.  And it goes along with one of those quizzes we all took on Facebook from zimbio.  I took tons of them.  And here are the results:

From “The Avengers” I am Thor.  From “Sesame Street” I am Big Bird.  From “Walking Dead” I am Daryl.  To be honest I would have been pissed off if I wasn’t.  From “X-Men” I am Wolverine.  The David Bowie character I am is Halloween Jack.  I don’t know this character, but it said in the description, “you were punk rock before punk rock even existed.”  So that’s awesome.  The Leonardo DiCaprio character I am is Gatsby.  For a Disney villain, I am Scar.  Fitting to be a lion since I am a Leo.  That makes sense.  From “Star Trek” I am Kirk.  From “Toy Story” I am Buzz Lightyear.  From “Seinfeld” I am Elaine, which is weird because one of the questions asked me what turns me on and I answered “Elaine”.  From “The Simpsons” I am Sideshow Bob.  From “The Family Guy” I am Lois, and I think that had to do with all the sex questions.  From “Star Wars” I am Boba Fett.  From “Harry Potter” I am Luna Lovegood.  She’s probably the most interesting character, but I’m not as pretty as she is.  The Tolkien “creature” I am is a wizard.  Nice.  And finally, this is the one which reminds me of my Apples to Apples description:  From “Anchorman”  I am Brick Tamland, who Alice Cooper kind of looks like when he’s the James Bond identity in the video.  That makes sense too.  Alice Cooper looks like Steve Carell as Michael Scott as Michael Scarn, with a little Brick Tamland thrown in.

brick tamland

Now, since I don’t really do much on Facebook besides go invisible and stalk Emma’s page, I have to entertain myself in a fb kind of way in my journal.  And I guess this instigates, appropriates, subjugates, demonstrates, abbreviates, and culminates my own identity crisis.  But that’s Bob Dylan.

There are two theme songs today.  The first is obviously “Identity Crisises” by Alice Cooper, and the next one is “Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds” by William Shatner aka Kirk.

******

photo of Brick Tamland and quizzes courtesy of http://www.zimbio.com/quiz

previous Grimm 163: Valentines & Valerian http://wp.me/p41c99-A9

next Grimm 165: Gender, Psychicisms, & Grimm Morrison the Lizard King http://wp.me/p41c99-Bi

Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 163: Valentines & Valerian

February 17, 2014

On Valentine’s Day, first I shopped.  Then I went to my parents’ house.  I brought them Dunkin Donuts coffee and heart shaped donuts.  I also brought a box of chocolates, roses, and a card for my mom.  We sat and talked for a little while.  I wrote in the card that she was my first ever Valentine, and that made her cry and speak Italian.

After that, I went to Sharly’s.  She had closed the book store those past couple of days because of the weather.  I brought her chocolates.  We sat and talked for a little while.

Next I went to the pet store because Iona was working, and while there, I got Gary Oldman (II) a Valentine present, which was one of the those plastic sticks with the long feathers on the end because she loves those.  She also loves stuffed animals, so I got her a little pink bear.  Turns out she likes pink, girly stuff.  She’s a very feminine cat.  Anyway, I got Iona roses.  We talked for a little while, but she was working so I couldn’t stay long.  She wanted to see me that night, but I made no plans with anyone because I wanted to be available for Emma in case I could convince her to spend time with me.

After Iona, I went to see Hasty, and I brought her chocolates.  It’s awesome to do shit for Hasty because she gets very excited and happy.

Then I went to see Sweetheart.  I brought her chocolates and a teddy bear.  It made her cry.  She said Valentina would have liked the bear.  She’s beginning to break my heart.  I know she’s hurting if she’s sticking around at Pete’s because she’s a bohemian, and would typically be running off somewhere.

Last person I went to see was Paula, who was working from home because of the weather.  I brought her flowers and chocolates.  She wanted to fuck me and of course I could have gone for the sex, but the day was all about Emma as far as I was concerned, so I only wanted to think about her, focus on her.  I didn’t stay at Paula’s very long.

Then I went home and after giving Daisy chocolates, I gave Gary Oldman (II) her toys.  Gary Oldman (II) was the happiest of them all, since with her it’s all unconditional.  I don’t have to be my best or make good choices and she expects nothing from me.  She just wants my love.  And food.

Anyway, I finished all my Valentine activities by 5pm.  I showered and shaved and dressed nice and went over to Emma’s by 6:00.  I brought her chocolates, roses, and a cd I made with three songs on it by Roy Orbison.  “In Dreams” “Crying” and “Only the Lonely”.  Romantic but I was hoping it wouldn’t be too stalkery, not too intense.  She wasn’t home and Gwen wouldn’t tell me where she was.  I didn’t want to leave the stuff with Gwen because she probably would have trashed it.  I also didn’t want to trust that Gwen would even tell her I stopped by, so I texted Emma that I brought her stuff but she wasn’t home, so I’d give it to her another time.  I wandered around for a while, walking in the cold and going to Dunkin Donuts, just hung around nearby her place in case she’d text me that she was home and I could return.  But by 8:00 I hadn’t heard from her so I went home.

I stripped down to my underwear, played with Gary Oldman (II) and started watching “Cockneys Vs Zombies” on Netflix.  They were all easier to understand than Bogart, but they’re actors so I guess they have to articulate.  It wasn’t that exciting anyway so I fell asleep.  I don’t usually fall asleep like that, but I was kind of tired from being heartbroken I guess.  Well, maybe the handful of valerian I took had something to do with it.  It’s a very effective herb.  Though I was heartbroken and didn’t want to think, I wanted to sleep.  Yeah, it’s painful when you love someone and they want nothing to do with you.  I keep telling myself I should give up.  But I can’t.  I have to keep trying until she either resolves herself to fall in love with me or she gets a restraining order.

I’ve been figuring that the latter would be more likely, but then she actually showed up at Howard’s.  It was about 10:00.  I didn’t even hear her knocking, or her text, but apparently Howard saw her car, heard her knocking and he told her I was home so just to go right in.  So she did, and there I was on my back in my bikini briefs unconscious and holding Gary Oldman (II)’s little pink bear, with Gary Oldman (II) sitting on my head, and yeah I also had that hard dick you get when you sleep.  And bikini briefs don’t contain the old boy once he’s ready to go.

So she walks in and wakes me and I sit up, wipe the drool off my face and cover my dick with my pillow.  Very romantic.  All I had hoped for that evening: saliva, an erection, and Emma on my bed.

I was groggy and a little light headed, but I got up, threw on my jeans and a tee-shirt.  She said she was sorry she wasn’t home when I went there, she was out to dinner with her parents.  She was also sorry she came so late, but they went to a movie after dinner.  I don’t even remember what movie she said they saw because I was kind of out of it.  She asked if I was ok, and I knew she thought I was on drugs or something, but I told her I took valerian and I was sleepy, so she laughed.  That’s the best sound.  Emma’s laughter.  Except when it’s at my expense of course.  But she laughed and it was nice.

Then she told me that she had been wanting to come by once I came home–meaning from the institution–in order to offer her condolences for Valentina.  She said I was a good father and she admired me that I took on the responsibility.  I showed her the necklace and tears welled up in her eyes.  I almost cried myself so I went to the bathroom and washed my face.  When I came back, she said, “you have something for me?”  I gave her the chocolates and roses and the cd.  She wanted to play the cd right away but I was kind of embarrassed and regretted making it, though I put it on anyway.  We listened to “Crying” and “Only the Lonely” quietly.  I felt sick to my stomach and I felt like I was dying.  When, “In Dreams” started, I said it was the last song.  She stood and said, “Dance with me.”  So I stood and we started to dance.  My whole body just swelled with so much emotion it was unbearable.  I was holding her closely and she couldn’t see my face.  It became all about not crying and not dropping to my knees and begging her to give me a chance.  It was also about not being so physically close that she could feel that I was hard again.  She moved and looked up at me.  I wanted to kiss her so badly.  When the song ended, she kissed me on the cheek, touched my face and said, “you are the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.”

I didn’t want to tell her how much I love her, or try to kiss her or do anything that would ruin this.  Then I’d probably push her away again.  So I just said, “thank you.”  We decided to watch MST3K like we used to do.  We sat on the bed and were watching it, but I didn’t last long, I fell asleep because of the freakin’ valerian.  When I awoke at 3:00am, she was gone, but she left a note.  It said, “Thank you for a beautiful Valentine’s Day.  Love, Emma.”  And she left me a chocolate truffle from the box I gave her because she knows that’s my favorite.

And in the end, she actually came to me, and I did nothing to upset her, and she called me sweet, and she said “Love, Emma.”  The only way it could have been better is if I proposed marriage and she accepted.  But I think pacing it, and not pushing myself on her might work after all.  Maybe it’s not impossible.  Maybe.

*******

previous Grimm 162: Spam, Terminator Penis, “Walking Dead”, & Valentine’s Day http://wp.me/p41c99-zo

next Grimm 164: Grimm’s Culminating Identity http://wp.me/p41c99-Bd

Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 162: Spam, Terminator Penis, “Walking Dead”, & Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, 2014

It’s really early in the morning on Valentine’s Day.  Classes were cancelled yesterday and today because of the storm.  It’s a nice break.  Anyway, there are three things I want to talk about today.  My name is Wall Grimm and I want to talk about Spam, “Walking Dead”, and Valentine’s Day.

WALL GRIMM’S THREE TOPICS OF DISCUSSION

SPAM – For some reason my email refuses to delete my spam, regardless how many times I set it to do so.  However, it does send all the shit to the spam folder.  At first I was annoyed that it didn’t delete it, but now I find it kind of entertaining.  Now and then, I look through and find some that make me laugh.  I did that this morning, and I recognized a kind of theme.

Based on all the spam I get, people are just trying to give me money, enlarge my penis, make it strong and thick, keep me hard for hours, and fuck me.  They also want to introduce me to single black women and feed me Burger King.  The only thing that doesn’t tempt me is the Burger King.  I’m also not married so…sorry Ashley Madison, it wouldn’t really be an affair now, would it?  Oh yeah, and I don’t need a stronger, thicker, larger penis and it stays hard for plenty of time.  Ok, so maybe I just want the money and the black women.

This is literally the list of spam I have this morning from the past few days:

“PLEASE ACCEPT MY OFFER FOR CHARITY PLANS”

“A STRONGER, THICKER, HARDER PENIS – FREE TRIAL, 100% GUARANTEED” (do any black women come with that trial)?

from Ashley Madison “Life is short.  Have an affair.” (I got this one from Ashley Madison 21 times)

“A STRONGER, THICKER HARDER PENIS -FREE TRIAL 100% GUARANTEED” (I got this 2 more times)

from Ms. Jessica Kone “Attn. Urgent/Confidential*” (she wants to give me money)

from Mrs. Agafia Anatolius “MY HEART CHOOSE TO BLESS YOU.” (with money she wants to transfer into my account.  I got this one twice)

“View Photos of Black Singles in Your Area”, (if there was a single black woman in my area, I think I’d know about it, but that’s a perverted pun, so ignore I said that.  Anyway, I got this one 18 more times)

“Preapproval Notice”

“RE: $9,950.61 Deposit”

“A $25 Victoria’s Secret car for YOU!” (is this so I can shop for the black women or Ashley Madison?)

“Claim a $25 BurgerKing Card”

“You have received a $25 BK notification!”

“NOTICE: $10,000 Approvals Within 7 Minutes”

then finally from Ashley Madison “Your Wife Will Never Find Out…”

And every single one of those emails came with an attachment.  It would almost be cool just to open them all and see how fucked up my computer would be as a result.

So yeah, money, Terminator Penis, black women, sex, and Burger King.

That reminds me that I forgot to mention women of all ethnicities in my list the other day about how I love women.  I’m very attracted to black women.  Indian women do it for me too.  But all ethnicities of women are beautiful when they smile and have the potential for that Pheromone Phenomenon.  In fact, Emma is 1/4 black.  Her dad is 1/2 black from Zimbabwe, and 1/2 Italian, and her mother is Columbian.  Now that I’m talking about Emma, I could transition onto my next topic of Valentine’s Day, but I’ll talk about “Walking Dead” since I want to mention Michonne and she’s a black woman, so it transitions smoothly anyway.

“WALKING DEAD” – I watched “Walking Dead” and “Talking Dead” yesterday On Demand at Pete’s.  Good episode but I have to say that Carl’s an ass.  Ok I know he’s going through the teenage thing, I get it.  But I have to say, in a zombie apocalypse, if my dad was likely bleeding to death internally, I wouldn’t be such a douchebag to him.  And if my dad slipped into a coma, I wouldn’t say mean things for him to hear in his subconscious.  I know there’s this hormonal, teenage thing, and the psychological ramifications of a zombie apocalypse that would be the basis to thoroughly analyze Carl’s attitude and it would make a shitload of sense.  However, it’s annoying.  I find there’s often too much whining going on in that show.  I just want to tell everyone to fuck the soap opera bullshit and move on.  Forgive and forget and survive, get over it.  There’s no time for all this drama.  But I guess, they’re just human, so again, it can all be explained away.  Carl’s been kicking some serious ass lately, and he’s been awesome, so I’ll forgive him and move on.  See, I’m the bigger man, despite what my spam emails suggest about me.

Ok, onto Michonne and “Talking Dead”.  That actress, Danai Gurira is a fucking goddess.  I just had to say that.  And she’s smart too.  And every positive and empathetic thing she said about the character Carl, I agree with, because she articulated it so concisely and she looked so good while she was saying it.  That’s not derogatory, it was a joke.  Seriously, she made a lot of sense and it opened up my perspective.  It just happened to be simultaneous with my enjoyment of looking at her.

Three things that made me laugh on “Talking Dead”.  1. Chris Hardwick – this guy is freakin’ hilarious.  2.  When Chris Hardwick said about Carl, “Dad you suck.  Pudding is awesome.”  3.  They showed a preview for the film “Snakes on a Plane” and in the preview they showed Samuel L. Jackson saying a dubbed line.  I’ve never seen that movie, so I’m just assuming the line was dubbed, but I think he said in the film, “mother fucking snakes” and I think they dubbed that, but he said in the preview “monkified snakes”.  buwaahahahahahahaa duh fuh? monkified, what, huh?  What the hell is a monkified snake?  Wow.

Monkified

That word just had to stand alone for a pause of reflection.

I’ll end this topic with #pudding

VALENTINE’S DAY – This one will be quick since it’s barely even happened yet.  But I’m going to buy things for these people:  Emma, my mom, Sharly, Iona, Sweetheart, Paula, and Hasty.  I wish Valentina had a grave so I could put flowers there for her.  I thought of getting Ayla something, but it would only be because she gives good blow jobs.  I’m no more friends with her than Danika or Morgan.  Valentine’s Day is not about blow jobs.  Blow jobs just can often be a fringe benefit of Valentine’s Day.  I’m giving something to Hasty because she’s married and it wouldn’t give her the wrong idea.  Plus she’s the kind of person you want to give stuff to.  The rest on my list are obvious.  But then there’s Emma.  I’m not going to do anything like I attempted last year, but I want to do something, I just have to figure out what.  It will be nice, but not over the top.  I have something over the top planned for her after she graduates.

Anyway, the theme song for this journal entry is “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol, dedicated to Emma.  Happy Valentine’s Day my beautiful Emma, my one true love.

*******

previous Grimm 161: Buzzkill Grimm Stuck in WTF http://wp.me/p41c99-yP

next Grimm 163: Valentines & Valerian http://wp.me/p41c99-A9

Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 161: Buzzkill Grimm Stuck in WTF

February 11, 2014

I showed up at Cassidy’s Friday night as planned.  She wanted me to wear my kilt so I had to go back to Pete’s to get it since I left some stuff there.  I saw Sweetheart and she was really glad to see me.  I figured she would have left.  I don’t know why she’s stayed.  She’s why I left.  Not because of anything to do with her, but because I look at her and I think of Valentina.  Then another part of my soul crumbles away and I am rendered incapable of movement.  That applies to both physical and cognitive movement.  I just become thoroughly debilitated and deeply depressed.  So when I first saw her, my first reaction was a need to break down and cry.  It would have been the kind of crying that no consolation could soothe.  Or I would have held the tears in and just fragmented inside, making me a zombie again.  But I held on and we talked.  I could tell she suffered in a similar way.  That of course triggered my compassion.  I didn’t raise the subject of Valentina though, because then she’d fall apart.  So we talked about little things, trivial stuff.  We never really talked much before.

I went back to Howard’s and got ready to go to Cassidy’s and I finally put the necklace on with Valentina’s ashes.  It was difficult but I felt ready I guess.  The vial rests against my chest over my heart.  I felt like she was with me but I wanted to hold her, rock her, sing to her, talk to her.  I wish I could even just hear her cry again, and the breath in her lungs would come out in a thrash so that I could comfort her and know she lives.  Obviously that will never happen again, but with the necklace, I feel like a part of my own being has returned to me, almost like I could never have been complete without it.

Anyway, I went to Cassidy’s and when she let me in there were a total of 10 girls there.  It was a sorority. wtf.  I thought we had a kind of date so I had no idea what was going on.  It turned out that they were there to meet me, get my autograph and get photographed with me. wtf.  All because of that stupid video.  I’m not famous, I’m no celebrity, I was caught on video with my kilt blowing up and slamming ice cream onto my balls in my attempts to keep it down.  And as I’ve said, these little things about the internet are why I don’t like it, because I didn’t post that, it’s like I had no say in the matter, but whatever, I just resolved myself to it.  Now I had a sorority of girls asking me to lift up my kilt.  I felt like the entertainment at a bachelorette party or something.  A couple years ago, I’d probably have been high on something and I would have drunk with them, and signed autographs even though that’s stupid, and got my picture taken with them, and maybe even lifted up my kilt, and then try to have sex with all of them.  But not now in my life.  Who is this new Grimm guy that I’ve become?  This serious, brooding, easily annoyed mature guy who can’t joke around anymore.  It’s like my brain is stuck in what the fuck mode all the time.

I guess I was just pissed off because I felt set up.  She didn’t give me an honest idea about what to expect when I went there.  She could have told me her friends would be there and wanted to meet me, but she didn’t.  I mean, yeah ok it was kinda cool to get that kind of attention, and it’s a boost of the ego to be treated like a celebrity I guess.  But still, she could have told me.  I went in there and instantly they started with their smartphones snapping pictures of me and jumping next to me to be in the pictures.  I didn’t even have time to register what was happening.  There’s a better way they could have approached this to get what they wanted.  And here’s how:

My name is Wall Grimm, and this is how to make a sucker out of me.

THE METHOD TO GET WALL GRIMM TO DO WHAT YOU WANT

1. Tell me what you want before you impose it on me so I don’t feel set up.

2.  Flatter me enough to make me horny.  Then my brain has less control and I’m more easily suckered into things.

3.  ummmm maybe it’s as simple as just 1. and 2.

4.  If 3. isn’t the case, then use your feminine wiles to charm me.  That is kind of like flattering me, but flattering me is mostly about me, whereas charming me involves the girl’s appeal.  And oh yeah, that reminds me, this list is just for women, because:

5.  An indication that I might get laid in the deal could help.

6.  If I don’t get laid in the deal, don’t let me think that there’s not a possibility for that, lead me on if you have to.

Now this list is just for things I wouldn’t normally do or even come close to resolving myself to do.  Otherwise, I tend to be a natural sucker when it comes to women.  As far as men are concerned, they can’t get me to do something I don’t want to do.

I will do favors for people, help people out, but I don’t have to be conned to be a decent friend.  That’s different.  But this situation…

I got rushed by the girls and–oh yeah, here’s the thing.  The Grimm I was two years ago was not the Grimm with a brain injury from the Gangsta, so people have to keep in mind that when I’m taken by surprise, I get kind of disoriented at first as it takes extra time to process the situation.  So yeah, I get rushed, photographed, asked for autographs, and got confused.  I thought they had to believe I was someone else.  Plus, I thought I was going to be alone with Cassidy.  So before I knew it, everyone had gotten a photo with me or videoed me and already posted it somewhere–fb, tumblr, instagram, grimmthewtfsucker.com, etc.  Then the papers and pens came out for autographs.  I was like no way at first because it just felt stupid since I’m not famous.  Signing would have indicated a level of vanity that even I’m not capable of.  But they pestered me so I said whatever and did it arbitrarily while I tried to talk to Cassidy over their voices.  She looked horrified, and I knew she didn’t expect it to be like this, so I immediately forgave her.

But then they were asking me to lift up my kilt so they can pose with me that way. wtf.  Again, the other Grimm guy might not have cared, but I’m trying to be the kind of man Emma wants, so I don’t want my junk plastered virally.  There’s a pun in there, just look for it Invisible Journal Reading People.  Do I have to spell everything out for you?

So I was like nooo, but they were kind of following me around the room trying to lift up my kilt as I had one hand holding down the front and the other hand holding it down in back.  Then they said come on, have a beer, relax.  Then I told Cassidy if she wants to hang out alone sometime to let me know, and I left.

And now I’m not the wild and fun Grimm, I’m the buzz kill Grimm with a stick up his ass.  There’s no pun in there, take my word for it.  But whatever.  In retrospect it was flattering and ego boosting, but it just happened too fast.  I couldn’t process it until after I left.  I was only there about 15 minutes and that’s no exaggeration.  And I’m pretty sure some of them got up-kilt shots but whatever.  I’m not modest, I don’t give a shit really.  Buzzkill Grimm is the new guy in town and I’m not sure if I like him.  Gunslinger Grimm needs to run him out.  It’s time for a showdown.

No theme song today, just a theme scene from “A Fistful of Dollars” with Clint Eastwood, because my name is Wall Grimm and “my mule don’t like people laughing.”

*******

previous Grimm 160: Living With Howard, Assholes, Technology, Girls, & Pheromone Phenomenon http://wp.me/p41c99-xJ

next Grimm 162: Spam, Terminator Penis, “Walking Dead”, & Valentine’s Day http://wp.me/p41c99-zo

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 156-170 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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