January 7, 2015
Happy New Year, Invisible Journal Reading People.
I have no resolutions. However, there are some undefined things that I will likely be resolute about. I may have revelations and I’ll probably succumb to resolves. But no specific goals or resolutions. I’m just gonna keep on doing what I do, because I think I’m on the right track in many ways, or at least in as many ways that satisfy me during this period of my life.
Keep on truckin’ Grimm. Keep on Grimmin’.
Ok, I want to talk about when I saw Olivia, Iona, and Paula over Christmas time. My name is Wall Grimm, and here is a synopsis of my experience with the ladies past.
WALL GRIMM TALKS ABOUT THE LADIES
IONA – She had wanted to come over my place to bring me a present, which was a new journal and a pen that makes my handwriting look cool. This happens to be something most people buy me at one point or another. However, I appreciate and use them all. I haven’t bought a journal in a long time since I am consistently supplied with them by other people, which is great. She also got me tickets to go see Brian Regan when he comes to Worcester in March. wtf that gift is fucking awesome, I love that guy. I didn’t spend that much on her. To be honest, I hadn’t gotten her anything until I talked to her. Last she decided, we were taking a break from our friendship, so I never expected to see her over the holidays. When she wanted to come by, I told her that I’d rather go to her place. Two reasons for that:
1. So I could buy her a present before then.
2. To avoid Bogart’s sexually harassing her. Two reasons for that:
1. She’d probably end up having sex with him, which, when she and I would start hanging out again, would make it complicated because that’s what he would expect.
2. I don’t know…kind of makes me jealous, because she’s kinda mine. Only because of our history, since I am with Solenne. Rationally I know I have no claim to Iona, but hey it’s human nature to feel that way. And I don’t go against my nature.
Thus, I went to Iona’s. I bought her the entire series of “The Kids in the Hall” on DVD, which made her happy. She talked about getting back together, though she knew I was with Solenne. She was just wondering if there was a chance, which there isn’t unless Solenne and I end things at some point that I don’t foresee. Iona seemed sad and lonely. She was looking good, pretty hot, since she’s been working out and got in kick ass shape. She said that now she gets a lot of attention from guys, but before her weight loss, she never did, except for me. She said I was different from all the other guys, that I thought she was hot before the weight loss and I liked her because of her personality and who she was as a person. She feels uncomfortable with the attention, awkward in her own body, and kind of wants to hide from the world and men, at times. It takes her a lot of energy to feel prepared for the attention, and she often feels like she preferred being invisible. It’s an interesting perspective that I’ve never considered. I like the attention I get, but then, I’ve always gotten attention. I mean, in those stupid movies when the nerdy, homely girl or guy get a makeover and they’re suddenly hot, they don’t seem to mind the new attention at all. That’s realistic, right?
Didn’t think so.
But yeah, Iona was always attractive. I guess she just didn’t fit the mold of what’s head-turning for most guys. Most guys tend to pursue whomever causes a second take, which meant that Iona was often looked over. I am different from most guys. I give every woman a second take. Partially because I’m a pervert and partially because women fascinate me, and I find beauty in most women. I say most because there are some personalities that turn me off, like superficiality, vanity, selfishness, and negativity. Otherwise, my three predominant turn offs are:
1. Masculine women. It confuses me when a woman is just as masculine as a man. They’re great people to hang out with, but I’m usually not attracted to them sexually.
2. Poor hygiene. Anyone who smells or looks like they might smell turns me off.
3. Women who freak me out. (see Olivia below)
Anyway, Iona and I are going to hang out as friends again, which is good. But I still plan to keep her away from Bogart as much as possible.
OLIVIA – She’s a fucking freak. I mean, that was something I liked until she abducted me. Now she freaks me out, hence a turn off. She came into the store sometime before Christmas, I saw her and I was like, yikes!
yikes! = turned off
Turned off is an understatement.
She came in to tell me about her photography exhibit in a gallery in Boston. It’s not her own personal exhibit, but one that will display the works of numerous local artists. Her exhibit is titled, “Exploit” and all the photos apparently are of me. That made me go, yikes! again. She invited me to go to the open house which kicks off the exhibit. That’s sometime in January, I think. She said she’d text me the information and would even have me picked up in a limo, but I haven’t heard from her yet. I told her I’d think about it. I really don’t want to spend time with her at all, but I want to see this exhibit. At the same time, I think it could possibly scare me. I asked if Solenne could come, and as I suspected, Olivia said no. That was pretty much it with her, especially since the store was busy with people shopping for Christmas. As I write this, I am convincing myself that I should go, because I think it’s important to see the images of me being exposed to the world.
PAULA – Paula offered to come pick me up one night after she got out of work. She took me to her place where she had to “freshen up” from work. She showered and prepared a dinner for us, so I was there for about an hour before we were sitting down and eating and finally able to talk. She asked if I was ok with her drinking wine, not wanting to tempt me or cause me to relapse. I was ok with it that night, some times are more difficult than others. She drank a lot during the course of the evening and ended up getting drunk.
Before she was drunk she was telling me that she missed me and was hoping we could get back together. I told her I had a girlfriend. She said, “but you can live here” and went on to describe a scenario similar to our previous living arrangements. I could live there and I wouldn’t need to pay rent, I wouldn’t even need to work or anything, I would just do things like I did before, including but not limited to: shoveling, mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, other yard work, maintenance work on the house, running errands, and stuff she defined as “basic men stuff that women are able to do, but would rather not.” Basically she wanted me to be her kept boy again, which wasn’t a bad situation, but I’m beyond the days when a sugar mama seemed like a good thing for me. This revealed to me how much I really have grown up. As a man, I need to support myself and be able to some day support a wife and kids. Maybe that’s an old fashioned gender role/stereotype, but it’s just my nature to feel that way. Again, I don’t go against my nature. Although, it is my nature to want to fuck most women I encounter, and that’s something I’ve had to regulate with varying degrees in my life, usually based upon morals.
I asked Paula if she’s seen any other men. She said she has, and she’s grateful that I brought her out of her shell to enable her to do that. Then she said that none of them were like me. I asked “how so?” She said that the men she has seen are older, around her own age, and they are settled. They’re established, set in their ways, their future is paved, stable, and they are predictable. She said I have a whole life ahead of me and it is still unknown as to which direction it will take. I could end up being anywhere doing anything at any time. I have a vitality and a sense of adventure that men her age don’t typically have. She thrived on the energy of my youth, excluding the self-destructive aspect of it. I told her that she could find other younger men who’d be interested in her, they’re out there. She said she knows this, but the problem is that she’s in love with me. She realized that as she started seeing other men. She compared them all to me. She used to compare other men to her late husband. When she first started seeing me, she compared me with him, and found that the contrasts were all in my favor. Then we broke up, she saw other men, compared them to me, and the contrasts continued to be all in my favor. She said she’s in love with me and she’s never loved another man so profoundly, not even her husband, and in fact her love for me made her recognize that she never was in love with him to begin with.
That was kind of too intense for me to process but that was the point when she began to get drunk, and emotional, and start to come on to me. I had to deter her advances, which was difficult because of my lack of sex that I have been compulsively addressing. Solenne is not having sex with me.
Even if I wasn’t with Solenne, I couldn’t justify haven’t sex with Paula when she was in a drunken and emotionally vulnerable state. But yeah she got drunk, and then I had no choice but to stay the night to take care of her. It was a mess and I felt bad for her. She was embarrassed the next day and has texted me a few times apologizing. But who knows if we’ll ever be able to spend time together as friends. I don’t think she can. I don’t know why she liked me so much, I think I was kind of an asshole.
But whatever, that’s my tale of ladies past. I have moved on, though they hold on, yet I’m not sure why. I think there was a certain level of insecurity with Iona and Paula, and somehow I made them secure, so it’s less about me, and more about how I made them feel. Olivia is just a fucking perverted freak.
My theme song for this journal entry is “Fever” by The Black Keys, for reasons I’m choosing to withhold, just to be mysterious to myself when I’m 80 years old and reading my old journals, and get pissed off at myself for not explaining those reasons here.
previous Grimm 222: Ladies Past & Dignified Grimm, The Kind of Guy to Laugh At http://wp.me/p41c99-18h
next Grimm 224: Solenne http://wp.me/p41c99-191
For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J
Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.