Monthly Archives: January 2015

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 225: Random Stew

January 19, 2015

Well last week, after Blues Monday, I called Sharly to recommend a gynecologist, and Solenne made me call to schedule the appointment for her.  Solenne is not usually so unassertive.  It’s a reflection of her shame and discomfort with admitting what was done to her.  We have an appointment for next week.

On Tuesday, classes started up, and incidentally, I got Dean’s List again last semester, so that’s good.  I’ll get into what I’m taking this semester another time, maybe…if I feel like it.

I’ll also maybe tell you another time about today.  It’s Blues Monday, but it’s also Martin Luther King Jr. Day and The Convoy are going to play a gig, which is cool.  We rarely do gigs, but a celebration of  Martin Luther King Jr. is being held at a local hotel throughout the day and evening.  A bunch of Jazz, Blues, and R&B bands are performing, including us.  Solenne has been wanting to come to Blues Monday, but I’ve known about this event for a while and I wanted the first time she’d hear me play to be this performance, the real deal, and not just practice or jamming.  Howard is even going to let me sing again.  The best part is that we’re towards the end of the lineup, which is a compliment to the band, means we’re that good.  Not the major headliner, but we’re up there.

Anyway, for now, I will present to you, Invisible Journal Reading People, a series of random things.  My name is Wall Grimm and here are some random things I feel like mentioning.

WALL GRIMM’S ARBITRARY OCCURENCES AND PENSIVENESS

*One morning, the day after it was my turn to do the dishes, a task which I failed to do because I was remiss, I went to have my coffee and saw that there was a limited selection of clean cups to choose from.  (I did do the dishes later in the day.  I’m not that remiss).  The only thing available was this thing of Cola’s.  It was a cup with a teapot on top, so the shape of the two pieces together looked like a tea pot.  I took the cup, which was more like something you’d have soup in, or café au lait rather than just your standard morning cup of coffee.  So as I take a sip, it spills down my chest, and underwear, which is no fun way to wake up.  Later that same day, Hasty stopped by to bring me a present.  It was a coffee mug, with a picture of me and her on it.  She’s very sweet.  Now when I use it, I text her and say, “I’m drinking out of your mug,” as mug is a pun for her face.

*American Horror Story season finale this week.  Is it just me or does Jessica Lange get more beautiful every episode?  She distracts me while I’m watching the show.

*I was taking Bogart to his counselor appointment, and he noticed the sign that said: “No Parking / No Estacionarse”.  He laughed and exclaimed, “No estacionarse, no stationin’ your arse! bwaaahahaaaaa.”

*As a personal philosophy, I like to think there are more good people in the world than there are bad people, because if the opposite were true, then the world would be truly fucked.

*I’m going through this thing lately, and I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I guess there’s some kind of hippie body snatcher that’s taking over, and I think I’m beginning to love… …everyone.

*Another mention of Hasty.  Every now and then we’ll text each other and ask, “what are you wearing?”  She texted me this, and I began my reply with “I’m” but then in the word options I accidentally hit the word “stew” after it.  “I’m stew.”  Strange, I don’t ever remember using the word “stew” before so why it would be in my personal options is beyond me.  I went to delete that word, but my little touch keypad froze up on me, and instead of deleting, it returned to the next line.  I continued to try to back space, but then it unfroze and I hit the “m” by mistake and typed “Mmm.”  Fortunately I didn’t send that, I just restarted my phone and replied normally.  It was funny, but that can’t be explained in a text.  It’s also one of those things that no one ever thinks is as funny as you do.  I avoid trying to describe such things to people.

I’m stew
Mmm

*I’ve said this before, in different ways, but I enjoy when I catch someone doing something stupid when it doesn’t involve me and I’m just an observer.  Most times this happens with other drivers, since I’m the only one who seems to know how to freakin’ drive.  I know this isn’t nice, and it’s the part of me that the hippie hasn’t snatched, but I like it when people are stupid and I witness it, because I know they’re doing something I’d never do and therefore I am validated as to how smart I am.

*I like the word villain.  No one ever uses that word anymore except in super hero movies.

*I didn’t do the dishes yesterday either.

And I’m going to end this journal entry with a Lord Gary Oldmanism:

According to some source online, with no reference point, Lord Gary Oldman said, “You ever go into a house, see a light switch, and it’s slightly crooked?  Drives me crazy.”

No Gary, I never have.  Must be something that only happens in England.

I have two theme songs for this journal entry.  I watched “Ishtar” with Pete, Cola, and Bogart the other day, Cola’s recommendation.  It was pretty funny.  So I’m picking “Oh Little Darlin'” and “Dangerous Business” by Rogers and Clarke aka Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman.

*******

***The two incidences above involving Hasty are true.  I did try to have coffee one day and the dishes hadn’t been done, so I used one of those teapot cups and spilled the coffee all over myself.  Later that day I received a package in the mail, a gift from Hasty:

IMG_1602    IMG_1604

Thank you Hasty, you’re a true sweetheart!

Then the texting thing “what are you wearing” is real, we do that, and the thing with “I’m Stew Mmm” was real, and I truly didn’t tell her about it, but maybe she’ll appreciate it when she reads about it here.

previous Grimm 224: Solenne http://wp.me/p41c99-191

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.

Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 211-235 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 104 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 224: Solenne

January 12, 2015

Well I’ve learned why Solenne isn’t having sex with me.  I assumed it was either a cultural or religious thing, or her own personal beliefs.  I respected that and only asked her once about it.  We kiss a lot, but the moment it seems like it might go too far, she pushes me away and says no.  I don’t persist.  The one time I asked her, I said something like, “if you don’t want to have sex, that’s fine, I understand, but can you tell me why?”  She answered, “no” and the subject was closed.

Solenne and I spend a lot of time together, especially when we’re at school, we meet on campus.  Otherwise, we go to either her place or my place; we go out sometimes to the movies, for dinner, for coffee; and when the weather permits, we go jogging with her dogs.  At my place, we have less privacy because of Bogart.  Pete and Cola would be willing to go to their rooms and do their own thing if Solenne and I want the living room.  But Bogart follows me around as much as Gary Oldman II does.  He kind of glues himself to me.  The occasions Solenne and I decide to go into my room just to be alone, Cola and Pete have to distract him while I disappear.  Then they have to continuously distract him and entertain him, otherwise he’s knocking on my door asking me what I’m doing and why I’m not out there with them.  He does this even when Solenne’s not around, which limits my ability to jerk off undisturbed.  I jerk off in the shower, in the bathroom when I’m not showering, then in the evening after he’s in bed and first thing in the morning.  Unfortunately I’ve had to jerk off in public restrooms as well.  I’ve taken more showers than usual, because sometimes I’ll take one just to jerk off.

Anyway, Solenne was over on Saturday and Pete and Cola had to do their distracting thing so Solenne and I could go into my room.  We were kissing as we were seated on my bed and I positioned us to lie down.  She was on her back and I was lying on my side kind of over her, kissing her.  Then I moved down, lifted her shirt a little and began kissing her stomach.  She let me at first and seemed to like it, but then she stopped me and sat up.  She seemed upset, which she doesn’t usually get upset when she stops me, rather she comes off as affirmed and that’s the end of it.

I asked her what was wrong and told her to talk to me.  She responded with honesty and without hesitation.  First she told me that she loves me, which dumbfounded me in a good way.  I told her I love her too.  She said, “really?”  I think if she didn’t believe me she wouldn’t have told me the truth about why she didn’t want to have sex with me.  I was right in that it was a cultural thing, but not in the way that I assumed.

When she was fourteen years old, shortly before she came to the states, there was a man who chose her for marriage.  This was not long after she “lost” her family.  She still won’t go into details about what happened to her family.  But without her family, she really had no one to protect her.  He made arrangements for her to be taken to a place where they performed female circumcision on her.  The practice had been banned since 1998, yet there were a group of women who were still performing the cruel procedure, and who were actually arrested a couple years ago for it.  Solenne isn’t sure if it was that group of women or another group who mutilated her.  Basically they took her against her will, held her down and cut off her external genitalia and clitoris without any anesthetics or medical treatment.  She was left with only one small hole, too small for even a pinky finger to fit in.  One hole through which she would both urinate and menstruate.

A month later was when she was expected to marry this man.  He was 25 years old and she didn’t know him.  She was on her own and working, not going to school, and I got the impression that he may have been her employer’s son, but I’m not sure.  Before the marriage took place, her uncle got her over to the states.  My time frame may be a little off, since sometimes I don’t understand her through her accent, and I was reluctant to press for clarity or more details while she was being so open about this experience.

Once she told me everything, she explained that she does want to have sex with me, but she’s afraid for a couple of reasons.  First, she’s ashamed of the mutilation, she thinks it’s ugly, and she thought I would be disgusted and want nothing to do with her anymore.  I assured her that I would never have done that, and I’m not going to do that.  Second, she was afraid that if I didn’t reject her, and we tried to have sex, that it would be very painful.  I agreed that it would probably hurt her and I wouldn’t even want to try.

She wanted to talk about potential options and she thought that maybe I could gradually enlarge the opening with my fingers, and over time it would be wide enough for penetration.  But then I asked her if she ever wanted to have children and she said yes.  We decided to do some research about possible complications in childbirth.  We went online and she was identifying some problems she had in the beginning, immediately after the procedure, and health issues since then, such as urinary tract infections, and extreme discomfort during menstruation.  Our research also revealed continued medical issues, whether or not she would be having sex, as well as dangerous childbirth.  It is also impossible for her to have a proper gynecological exam, which I guess is important for women to have.

The only thing I could think of to ensure her long term medical safety and health, was reconstructive surgery, which should be covered by insurance, since it’s a medical issue.  She was really happy when I mentioned this, which relieved me.  I was kind of tentative to suggest it because I didn’t want her to think that it was an indirect form of rejection, implying that I wanted her to fix it and make it ‘normal’ again.  But she understood the idea was based upon her own personal benefit and health, long term, and had nothing to do with my desire to have sex with her.

She expressed that she felt so much better since there has never been anyone she could talk to about this, and it would be especially awkward to discuss it with her uncle.  She also had never considered the problems that could arise or have arisen.  Instead, her focus has been her embarrassment and shame, which even overshadowed the violation and trauma of the experience.

Today we’re going to contact a gynecologist and start from there.  We’ll make an appointment, get expert advice, and if reconstructive surgery seems like the best thing for Solenne, then hopefully we will get a referral to a plastic surgeon who can help her.

After we had finished talking about it, I wanted to see the results of the mutilation.  It had nothing to do with perversion.  Part of it was curiosity, but mostly I wanted to assure her that she needn’t feel ashamed.  I also wanted to see the results of an incident that caused her such anguish.  I guess I wanted to connect with her a little more by intensifying my compassion, knowing the horror of her experience, and gaining her trust by proving I would never reject her.  I wanted her to believe that I thought she was beautiful inside and out, every single cell of her.  But I couldn’t bring myself to ask.  I thought she would misunderstand my intentions.  We lied quietly for a time as I held her.  And I think she sensed what was going through my mind because she offered to show me, like one would show an appendix scar or something.  Nothing sexual about it.

It wasn’t a butcher job, it didn’t look bad, just different and wrong, and it clearly must have been excruciating for her to have gone through it.  And the more I thought about the one hole for both urination and menstruation, the more I realized how unnatural that is, and the endless health problems she could have throughout her life because of it.

She pulled her pants back up and said, “Because you know about this now, sometime I could do this blow job thing for you, but I don’t know much how to do it.”

I laughed a little because of the way she said it, but I said, “well we won’t talk about that right now.”  I didn’t want to get myself worked up for it, since I didn’t think it would be appropriate to get right into anything sexual.  I mean, what happened to her is a sexual crime, a sexual assault really, and I just thought it would be better to be with her in presence, without my mind preoccupied by my overpowering libido.

My theme song for this journal entry is “At Last” by Etta James, because it’s about love, not sex.

*******

previous Grimm 223: Iona, Olivia, & Paula http://wp.me/p41c99-18w

next Grimm 225: Random Stew http://wp.me/p41c99-19g

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 211-235 | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Welcome Kevin Cooper!

I’m turning over the spotlight on this rare occasion to my blogger friend, Kevin Cooper.  Kevin collaborated with me in writing a song for “The Journal of Wall Grimm”.  I wrote the lyrics and he wrote the music and performed the piece:

This is the post in which the song was featured: 188: For Emma http://wp.me/p41c99-Rf

Anyway, Kev’s a great guy, very talented, so please take the time to check out his blogs.

Welcome Kev!

kev

Kevin Cooper is the founder of Kev’s Author interviews, and Author of the Month which are the primary focus of his blog: http://kevs-domain.net/

If you are a writer and are interested in getting more exposure for your works Kev’s blog is the place to be. More can be found on his KAI & Contact page.

Kev is also an author and has The following five works published:

  • Miedo: Living Beyond Childhood Fear
  • The Wizard, The Girl and The Unicorn’s Horn
  • The Devil’s Apology
  • Carta Del Diablo
  • Reflections

More on Kev’s works can be found on his blog and here:

http://kevsshowcase.blogspot.co.uk/

Kev is currently working on his sequel to Miedo which will be a trilogy and sequels to The Wizard, The Girl and The Unicorn’s Horn which is a part of his Chronicles of Geo series.

Kev is also a musician. He writes all his own songs and sometimes posts them to Youtube. More on Kev’s music can be found on his music blog here: http://kevsmusicblog.wordpress.com/

 

Categories: NOTES FROM SAGE DOYLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 223: Iona, Olivia, & Paula

January 7, 2015

Happy New Year, Invisible Journal Reading People.

I have no resolutions.  However, there are some undefined things that I will likely be resolute about.  I may have revelations and I’ll probably succumb to resolves.  But no specific goals or resolutions.  I’m just gonna keep on doing what I do, because I think I’m on the right track in many ways, or at least in as many ways that satisfy me during this period of my life.

Keep on truckin’ Grimm.  Keep on Grimmin’.

Ok, I want to talk about when I saw Olivia, Iona, and Paula over Christmas time.  My name is Wall Grimm, and here is a synopsis of my experience with the ladies past.

WALL GRIMM TALKS ABOUT THE LADIES

IONA – She had wanted to come over my place to bring me a present, which was a new journal and a pen that makes my handwriting look cool.  This happens to be something most people buy me at one point or another.  However, I appreciate and use them all.  I haven’t bought a journal in a long time since I am consistently supplied with them by other people, which is great.  She also got me tickets to go see Brian Regan when he comes to Worcester in March.  wtf that gift is fucking awesome, I love that guy.  I didn’t spend that much on her.  To be honest, I hadn’t gotten her anything until I talked to her.  Last she decided, we were taking a break from our friendship, so I never expected to see her over the holidays.  When she wanted to come by, I told her that I’d rather go to her place.  Two reasons for that:

1. So I could buy her a present before then.

2. To avoid Bogart’s sexually harassing her.  Two reasons for that:

1. She’d probably end up having sex with him, which, when she and I would start hanging out again, would make it complicated because that’s what he would expect.

2. I don’t know…kind of makes me jealous, because she’s kinda mine.  Only because of our history, since I am with Solenne.  Rationally I know I have no claim to Iona, but hey it’s human nature to feel that way.  And I don’t go against my nature.

Thus, I went to Iona’s.  I bought her the entire series of “The Kids in the Hall” on DVD, which made her happy.  She talked about getting back together, though she knew I was with Solenne.  She was just wondering if there was a chance, which there isn’t unless Solenne and I end things at some point that I don’t foresee.  Iona seemed sad and lonely.  She was looking good, pretty hot, since she’s been working out and got in kick ass shape.  She said that now she gets a lot of attention from guys, but before her weight loss, she never did, except for me.  She said I was different from all the other guys, that I thought she was hot before the weight loss and I liked her because of her personality and who she was as a person.  She feels uncomfortable with the attention, awkward in her own body, and kind of wants to hide from the world and men, at times.  It takes her a lot of energy to feel prepared for the attention, and she often feels like she preferred being invisible.  It’s an interesting perspective that I’ve never considered.  I like the attention I get, but then, I’ve always gotten attention.  I mean, in those stupid movies when the nerdy, homely girl or guy get a makeover and they’re suddenly hot, they don’t seem to mind the new attention at all.  That’s realistic, right?

Didn’t think so.

But yeah, Iona was always attractive.  I guess she just didn’t fit the mold of what’s head-turning for most guys.  Most guys tend to pursue whomever causes a second take, which meant that Iona was often looked over.  I am different from most guys.  I give every woman a second take.  Partially because I’m a pervert and partially because women fascinate me, and I find beauty in most women.  I say most because there are some personalities that turn me off, like superficiality, vanity, selfishness, and negativity.  Otherwise, my three predominant turn offs are:

1. Masculine women.  It confuses me when a woman is just as masculine as a man.  They’re great people to hang out with, but I’m usually not attracted to them sexually.

2. Poor hygiene.  Anyone who smells or looks like they might smell turns me off.

3. Women who freak me out.  (see Olivia below)

Anyway, Iona and I are going to hang out as friends again, which is good.  But I still plan to keep her away from Bogart as much as possible.

OLIVIA – She’s a fucking freak.  I mean, that was something I liked until she abducted me.  Now she freaks me out, hence a turn off.  She came into the store sometime before Christmas, I saw her and I was like, yikes!

yikes! = turned off

Turned off is an understatement.

She came in to tell me about her photography exhibit in a gallery in Boston.  It’s not her own personal exhibit, but one that will display the works of numerous local artists.  Her exhibit is titled, “Exploit” and all the photos apparently are of me.  That made me go, yikes! again.  She invited me to go to the open house which kicks off the exhibit.  That’s sometime in January, I think.  She said she’d text me the information and would even have me picked up in a limo, but I haven’t heard from her yet.  I told her I’d think about it.  I really don’t want to spend time with her at all, but I want to see this exhibit.  At the same time, I think it could possibly scare me.  I asked if Solenne could come, and as I suspected, Olivia said no.  That was pretty much it with her, especially since the store was busy with people shopping for Christmas.  As I write this, I am convincing myself that I should go, because I think it’s important to see the images of me being exposed to the world.

PAULA – Paula offered to come pick me up one night after she got out of work.  She took me to her place where she had to “freshen up” from work.  She showered and prepared a dinner for us, so I was there for about an hour before we were sitting down and eating and finally able to talk.  She asked if I was ok with her drinking wine, not wanting to tempt me or cause me to relapse.  I was ok with it that night, some times are more difficult than others.  She drank a lot during the course of the evening and ended up getting drunk.

Before she was drunk she was telling me that she missed me and was hoping we could get back together.  I told her I had a girlfriend.  She said, “but you can live here” and went on to describe a scenario similar to our previous living arrangements.  I could live there and I wouldn’t need to pay rent, I wouldn’t even need to work or anything, I would just do things like I did before, including but not limited to: shoveling, mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, other yard work, maintenance work on the house, running errands, and stuff she defined as “basic men stuff that women are able to do, but would rather not.”  Basically she wanted me to be her kept boy again, which wasn’t a bad situation, but I’m beyond the days when a sugar mama seemed like a good thing for me.  This revealed to me how much I really have grown up.  As a man, I need to support myself and be able to some day support a wife and kids.  Maybe that’s an old fashioned gender role/stereotype, but it’s just my nature to feel that way.  Again, I don’t go against my nature.  Although, it is my nature to want to fuck most women I encounter, and that’s something I’ve had to regulate with varying degrees in my life, usually based upon morals.

I asked Paula if she’s seen any other men.  She said she has, and she’s grateful that I brought her out of her shell to enable her to do that.  Then she said that none of them were like me.  I asked “how so?”  She said that the men she has seen are older, around her own age, and they are settled.  They’re established, set in their ways, their future is paved, stable, and they are predictable.  She said I have a whole life ahead of me and it is still unknown as to which direction it will take.  I could end up being anywhere doing anything at any time.  I have a vitality and a sense of adventure that men her age don’t typically have.  She thrived on the energy of my youth, excluding the self-destructive aspect of it.  I told her that she could find other younger men who’d be interested in her, they’re out there.  She said she knows this, but the problem is that she’s in love with me.  She realized that as she started seeing other men.  She compared them all to me.  She used to compare other men to her late husband.  When she first started seeing me, she compared me with him, and found that the contrasts were all in my favor.  Then we broke up, she saw other men, compared them to me, and the contrasts continued to be all in my favor.  She said she’s in love with me and she’s never loved another man so profoundly, not even her husband, and in fact her love for me made her recognize that she never was in love with him to begin with.

That was kind of too intense for me to process but that was the point when she began to get drunk, and emotional, and start to come on to me.  I had to deter her advances, which was difficult because of my lack of sex that I have been compulsively addressing.  Solenne is not having sex with me.

…sigh…

Even if I wasn’t with Solenne, I couldn’t justify haven’t sex with Paula when she was in a drunken and emotionally vulnerable state.  But yeah she got drunk, and then I had no choice but to stay the night to take care of her.  It was a mess and I felt bad for her.  She was embarrassed the next day and has texted me a few times apologizing.  But who knows if we’ll ever be able to spend time together as friends.  I don’t think she can.  I don’t know why she liked me so much, I think I was kind of an asshole.

But whatever, that’s my tale of ladies past.  I have moved on, though they hold on, yet I’m not sure why.  I think there was a certain level of insecurity with Iona and Paula, and somehow I made them secure, so it’s less about me, and more about how I made them feel.  Olivia is just a fucking perverted freak.

My theme song for this journal entry is “Fever” by The Black Keys, for reasons I’m choosing to withhold, just to be mysterious to myself when I’m 80 years old and reading my old journals, and get pissed off at myself for not explaining those reasons here.

*******

previous Grimm 222: Ladies Past & Dignified Grimm, The Kind of Guy to Laugh At http://wp.me/p41c99-18h

next Grimm 224: Solenne http://wp.me/p41c99-191

 

 

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 211-235 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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