December 20, 2014
I forgot to title my last journal entry. I guess I killed another brain cell. I mourn thee.
…a moment of silence…
…interrupted by Bogart entering the room and farting really loud, then laughing “bwahahahahahahahaaa ‘at were like a bloody earfquake in me pants!” Pants meaning his underwear because that’s what he calls them. Then he leaves the room, and I have no idea why he came in here, except maybe to fart. Thanks for sharing, Bogart.
Ok now I’m in my room. I had to leave the kitchen. Even though I couldn’t smell anything, I was having an issue with breathing the air with which the fart comingled. And I’m ready now to finish the story about getting stoned with Astrid. And…here it is:
I’ll begin with why Astrid and I smoked. Why did Astrid smoke with her daughter Shaye? Well that’s an extremely long story so I’ll make it semi-brief. They have a complicated history filled with struggles, obstacles, suffering, hurt, anger, and a battle to somehow live peacefully together. My reasons behind Astrid smoking with her are general, vague, and they don’t go as deep as I should really get into, but simply put, Astrid first was curious to see if smoking pot would help with her back pain, since she could get prescribed medical marijuana if she felt it would work. There was also a part of her, I believe, that was hoping the experience would help her bond with her daughter. She knows her daughter smokes, and she often feels like a bad mother for allowing it, but at the same time, she understands that smoking helps Shaye. It calms both her anger and her energy, both of which are cyclonic. She’s an intense girl with a lot of talent, sensitivity, and brilliance that she is capable of bringing into the world once she is able to tap into it effectively. Her anger is essentially an enormous force of emotion and passion which, once channeled into something positive, she will be able to accomplish anything she wants in life. Plus, she’s pretty funny when she’s high, like when she gets embarrassed she’ll go stand in the corner and laugh quietly. I don’t even think she realizes she does that, until we point it out, “is Shaye hiding in the corner again?” Then she laughs more.
Anyway, why did I smoke? Many reasons: stress, end of semester release, I needed some calm myself after being around Bogart so much, sexual frustration since I’ve been with Solenne, and I quit smoking cigarettes so I’ve been on edge a lot. In fact, I was being a dick at one point and Cola said to me, “I like it when you used to smoke. You’re an asshole now. And you looked cool when you were smoking, too.”
I was like, “That’s the worst thing you ever said to me.” But that’s just her facetious and ironic wit so I wasn’t pissed off or anything.
Once I was stoned, I did not want to go back up to the roomies. I couldn’t even imagine being around Bogart while I’m stoned. I’d be afraid that the voices he hears when he’s not on medication would jump into my head. I’d think that since he’s on meds, the voices are hovering about him constantly waiting for that moment when they can break through to his mind. But when I’d enter the room stoned, they’d get all excited about the open doorway to my head that they’d jump in and….well I wouldn’t want to be in Bogart’s mind, and I wouldn’t want his mind in mine.
I also didn’t want to face Cola and Pete, they would know I was stoned, especially Pete who has seen me wrecked more than anyone else.
Then of course I wouldn’t want to be around Gary Oldman II. For some reason, cats make me paranoid when I’m stoned. People don’t, but cats do. Cats just freakin’ stare at you and it’s like they know everything about you, everything that’s going through your mind, like they’re some kind of higher beings who are capable of judgment against you, and your punishment is an inner shame that they inflict upon you as they stare and it feels like they’re stealing your soul. The worst part is when they look at you and pity you because you’re just a stupid human who has disappointed them once again. That’s how Gary Oldman II would feel about it, since her job is to help me stay clean and safe. She’d be furious with me.
I still have a lot to say about that night, but I don’t think I’ll be writing it in this journal entry after all. I accidentally lied. I accidentally got stoned and I accidentally lied. I’m inadvertently misbehaving, look out. Grimm the Unconscious Rebel.
Other words to describe it:
Grimm the ________ Rebel (fill in the blank with):
autogenic, knee-jerk, begrudging, compulsory, half-baked (of course), uncalculated, habitual, wooden (?), deep-seated (did they mean deep-seeded?), flaky (nope), devil-may-care (I like this one), by the seat of his pants (deep-seated?), fault-less, adorable (that was included in the synonyms for “innocent” so I had to include it here as well as a few others), godly, radiant, rapturous, otherworldly, chaste (yes now that I’m with Solenne), fluky (wormy?), wanton (yeah I am), odd (Grimm the Odd Rebel? uh, no), pointless (as in without a cause, maybe?), fits and starts (what?), and I’ll end with casual. Grimm the Casual Rebel. I kind of like the sound of that.
Anyway, I guess I’ll end it here and recommence the story another time. I’ll just say that Astrid forced me to put on a puppet show, even though my puppet was mute. Is that a metaphor? Well, Invisible Journal Reading People, you have to be patient, you will know in due time.
My theme song for this journal entry is “Stray Cat Strut” by the Stray Cats because, well…all that shit I said about cats, plus I like the Stray Cats. They’re an amazing cross between 50’s and 80’s music and style, a one of a kind band.
previous Grimm 219: (untitled) http://wp.me/p41c99-17f
next Grimm 221: Nothing Else is Salsa http://wp.me/p41c99-17O
For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to: http://wp.me/P41c99-J
Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.