August 9, 2014
Today’s my birthday, I’m 25. I don’t have anything specifically planned to celebrate and I requested that everyone I know ignore it and treat it like any other day. I’m not sure if that will happen, but one can hope. Last year was when I burned the scrapbook Emma gave me. I never really liked being the center of attention. I’m not insecure, but I kind of exist in my own world and when I’m excessively acknowledged and focused in on, it penetrates that private realm. I’m also really bad at remembering birthdays, so I guess I kind of feel guilty when other people remember mine even though I forget theirs. Today is also Gary Oldman (II)’s birthday. She’s a year old. I estimated her age when I found her. She was a kitten, but I found her around this time, so I gave her my birthday in order to remember. I realize now that I never acknowledged Valentina’s birthday. And now I feel horrible. She would’ve been a year old. Maybe I unconsciously sabotaged my memory of it because it has the potential to destroy me.
Ok, on to other things. I haven’t seen Solenne since our date. She went to England with her uncle not long after, and they’ve been gone all this time. They’re visiting other family, then she’ll be returning home and starting college. We’re actually going to attend the same college, which is cool.
Other than that, the rest of this journal entry will be about my harmonica and my underwear.
I like to hang out in my underwear, bikini briefs usually, that’s just the way it is, I’ve said this before. I also like to clean that way, while listening to music and dancing to it. Recently, I was doing such and listening to the radio rather than cd’s. Pete was out with Bogart, taking him clothes shopping, because Bogart barely has any clothes and he likes a lot of the shit I wear, so Pete thought he could help him expand his wardrobe. That’s more of a Pete thing to do. I hate shopping. Cola was home and helping to clean. So we’re listening to the radio and “Love is Like Oxygen” by Sweet came on and I’m dancing and cleaning and Cola was like, “why do you clean in your underwear, Wall Grimm?” I was like, “I dunno.” She said, “dancing to disco in your bikini underwear is kind of effeminate, you know.” I said, “no it isn’t.” “Whatever you say, Caballero.”
At one point I took a break to have a smoke but instead I started to play my harmonica. I’ve been trying to quit and I find that the harp is a good way of distracting me from smoking. I get sucked into the notes and separate from the world around me, like I just go off to another plane of existence and get lost, as if I’m channeling the spirit of a master harpist and the music that results is like nothing I could create otherwise. It comes from a source I tap into that I just can’t explain. So I went out on the balcony and was playing. Astrid was below and she told me to come down and play there and have a smoke with her. I told her I was in my underwear, she said that’s ok, so was she.
I went down and she was like wtf, saying I was practically naked, she figured I was in boxers and a t-shirt or something. I said, “well, I don’t care if you don’t care.” She said she didn’t care. But she wasn’t in her underwear and when I pointed that out, she said she went in and put on some shorts. I said I figured she wouldn’t care if I was in my underwear because I heard her conversation with her friend Matt when she said it would be disgusting to fuck me. She explained that I’m not disgusting, it’s just that she’s old enough to be my mother. I knew that’s what she meant. I told her that a couple years ago I was involved with Paula, who was 50. She asked my age again and I said my birthday was coming up, I was going to be 25. She expressed that it was wrong that Paula got involved with me. She asked what I thought about a 50 year old man getting involved with a 23 year old girl. I admitted that I’d think he was a pervert. But I think it’s different for some reason. We kind of ended the conversation there and had a smoke. But then she told me to put something on, she changed her mind. So I went up and put on my Eastwood and Stepping Wolves. She thought that was pretty funny. I started on the harp and soon after, her friend Matt showed up. He seemed appalled that I was sitting there in my bikini briefs in front of the woman he’s obsessed with. I stopped playing, took off my Eastwood and covered my crotch. I said that I had to put something on anyway because for some reason when I play it gets me hard, so I went up to put some pants on. I heard Matt’s voice saying shit, and I know it was about me by the tone, but I couldn’t discern what he was saying. The tone in Astrid’s voice was defensive, of both herself and of me. That’s the sense I got.
Anyway, there was another day after that I was home alone, hanging out in my underwear and playing on the harp. I didn’t hear the texts I was getting. A couple were from Ayla who wanted to come by since she hadn’t seen the new place yet. The roomies were all out together. Cola wanted to get some art supplies, and then they were going grocery shopping. We take turns teaching Bogart day to day type responsibilities. But he’s kind of a challenge from time to time and it’s better if there’s two of us with him. Unless it’s me. I can handle him on my own, but it can be exhausting.
So Ayla shows up, knocks on the door and I answered it. I could hear Cola’s voice in my head, “why do you answer the door in your underwear, Wall Grimm?” And since I’ve only been on one date with Solenne and she’s not my girlfriend, I decided to accept a blowjob from Ayla. I figured that when and if Solenne becomes my girlfriend, it may be a long time that I’ll have to go without sex. I’ve been without for about 2 weeks now, or more, I lost track, since Iona is taking time away from me. Not long after she decided to do that, I met Solenne and haven’t pursued sex since she’s my focus. But when opportunity knocks, as Ayla did, it helps.
I was on the couch and she was kneeling on some cushions on the floor, and it was just as I was cumming that the roomies returned home. I came hard and I was pretty loud and when I was done, I opened my eyes and all three of them were standing there. They had just come in at the end, I imagine, since Cola would more likely guide the others away and allow me some privacy. But as I said before, Pete’s a closet pervert. So I said, “Pete, you pervert.” He said, “Me?? They’re here too.” “by default.” “What’s that even mean?” I shrugged.
Cola said, “it’s good to see you weren’t lonely in our absence, Wall Grimm.”
Bogart just stood looking astounded for a moment before he went off, “Blimey!!! I wan’ one!” He approached us, pulled his pants and underwear down to his knees. “I wan’ one, come on now, love, give us one, let’s ‘ave a go, crack on then,” or something very British like that, a raunchy request sounding proper somehow.
I wanted to say, no Bogart she’s mine, but Ayla spoke up. First she gawked at his junk and said, “Nice! That’s some equipment you’ve got there.” Then she added, “but no, thank you. I only do this for Grimm.”
I said, “what, really?”
“I don’t know. What the hell do you think of me? You think I give everyone blowjobs? Nope, just you.”
I never thought of it, but I guess I assumed that she did, that she enjoyed giving blowjobs. I had no idea it was just me. What the fuck does someone say to that? I said, “…thank you…. …?”
Now I wonder if I’m the only one she fucks too. And I’m thinking back to something Sharly said to me way back when. She said girls want more from me than sex, but I usually only want sex and that’s clear from the start, so they do it just to have me at least in some way. Sharly said it, not me, and she phrased it better. It feels vain to find validity in that, and makes me feel like an asshole, though it’s not how I purposely go about my way or anything. I never thought that Ayla might be one of those girls. My psychicisms have failed me in terms of Ayla. Sex kind of puts a wall up against my intuition. Ironically, a wall. I am a man of many walls. I am Wall. I am Wall Grimm.
And my theme song of course is “Love is Like Oxygen”, by Sweet.
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