June 22, 2014
I haven’t written much this week because when we went to see the new apartment on Monday, Pete and Cola loved it, and Astrid said we could start moving in anytime. So that’s pretty much what we’ve been doing. It’s awesome we could get in early, because Pete can get last month’s rent back at his old apartment since he won’t even be there. Bogart is probably going to move in with us, I saw him yesterday and his mother was visiting too so I had the chance to talk with her. The good thing is that Astrid isn’t charging much money for the place because Bogart only makes about $700 per month from social security, so we can’t possibly expect him to contribute to costs. There’s no way that the guy will be able to work, as I see it now, but maybe we can try to see if there’s something out there, if for no other reason than to instill some self sufficiency. The rent is $1500/month including everything. So we definitely can afford that along with other living expenses without expecting money from Bogart. The place is worth more than that but Astrid said $1500 is all she needs.
Anyway, I was at the institution visiting him, his mother hadn’t come yet, and he was talking about us being “flatmates.” He’s so excited he almost broke my ribs when he slammed me against the wall. But the saddest thing was that he said he finally would feel like a real person, live a real life, and have friends like other guys his age. When he says shit like that, it’s obvious that he knows he’s not exactly ok, even though he laughed when he said it. But I’ve never really seen him sad or depressed or down, not that I can remember. His moods are either manic or angry. When he was upset about getting the shock treatment, even then it was a nervous kind of sad. And when he’d get the treatment he was immobile and internalized, which gave the illusion that it was working, but they’ve since discontinued the therapy since they determined that wasn’t working either. They are still experimenting with medications. His mother said they keep switching and his body never has time to rid of one med from its system before they’re giving him something else. This is why she decided she wants him out of there. She said he’s served his time for whatever he did to be arrested and this last medication he’s on seems to be the best yet.
It’s all confusing but I think I have the story straight now. He got arrested, went to juvie, stayed there a while until he was 18 and went to jail, which his mother fought, and had been fighting right along, because she knew he was imbalanced, and eventually she won, getting him into an institution. He started at a maximum security psych hospital, or however she described it. Then he got transferred a few times until he ended up at the place I was at. This clarifies it only slightly for me. Before I thought she committed him, but it was the state. She’s hard to understand because of her accent, but easier to understand than Bogart, since he is prone to talking exceedingly fast using lots of slang and sometimes he’s incoherent. It’s why I can’t directly quote him so much, since I often have no clue what he says, instead I just get the idea of it, and document what he means to say. But yeah, so I kept asking his mum what he did and she won’t tell me, she says I don’t need to know right now. I was like, I think it’s important for me to know right now since he’s moving in with me. I think she’s afraid if she tells me I’ll change my mind about having him move in. But she keeps telling me that all he talks about is me. I’m not sure if that will turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing that he’s obsessed with me.
But yeah, the institution seems to have found a med that has him the most stable he’s ever been, even as a child. The following information contradicts what Bogart told me long ago, but not completely, which leads me to believe there’s truth in what he told me, but he just has his time frames off, since his perspective was probably skewed from his paranoia and delusions. His mother said he was in and out of institutions even in childhood. After several efforts, his mother finally gave up trying to have him attend school. Kids made fun of him so he beat them up. This occurred even in elementary school. Teachers were afraid of him because he had violent outbursts. She didn’t mention the sexual abuse by her boyfriend that he told me about, or that Bogart murdered him, and I didn’t ask. It seems there will sometimes be no way of knowing the difference between truth and Bogart’s delusions. Instincts tell me it’s true though.
Anyway, so he’s leveled off, still manic, no delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, or paranoia. He seems happier. And he’s like the best happy person ever. It’s great to make him laugh.
I said to him yesterday, ” Hey Bogart, I can speak Cockney slang too, see, jibber bobby blah dee blah bob’s your uncle, gov, yeah apples and pears and fruit and all that you twat.”
He responded with, “BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA…” for about ten minutes. Then every now and then he’d bring it up, “oi jibber bobby blah bwahahaa ya cunt!”
I guess essentially, his mother has seen him react to people like he reacts to me, in the past. Yet the response from those people has always been rejection. He puts them off with his mania and excessive talking, and especially his violent way of expressing affection. Those people often mocked him. None of them responded positively. This has taken place in various settings like in institutions, schools before he stopped school, and in public places the times he’s been out, and just running errands with her, since she could never leave him home alone. She admits to committing him sometimes just because she was either tired or intimidated. But she said he stopped showing any kind of emotions towards people for many years because, though the rejection didn’t seem to reach him emotionally, since he was kind of oblivious to it, the behavior of the rejection was not the response he wanted and it conditioned him to back off. Unless of course he was in a paranoid and delusional stage, then he saw more into the rejection than was there and he was prone to violence.
Basically she said that he likes and trusts me and I’m a good friend for him. She thinks I can handle him. She has no idea what more she can do. I have no idea what I can do either, but I guess I can be his friend and I can share my world with him. My friends are good, accepting people and maybe that’s what he needs is to be accepted by someone, anyone who isn’t his mother. His mother is and pretty much always has been the only person, not only to be in his life, but the only person who truly accepts him. He’s 22 and I think he’s just a kid, even though I am 24, I feel so much older. He’s never had real friends, not one. Not until me.
My theme song is “As Time Goes By” by Dooley Wilson, because, well, Bogart and Casablanca and all that you twat.
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