June 14, 2014
All right well I’m finally going to paste Sweetheart’s letter in my journal. I don’t know why it took me so long to do that. Well, I guess I do. It’s just hard to confront, but it’s significant in my life so it should be in my journal. But I don’t know if I’ll be addressing it further than this because it’s more something I can’t make so concrete for me at this time I guess. The best I can do is include it here, so here it is:
I know you don’t like how I leave without saying anything so I’m sorry. You’re a very difficult person to face you know. I’m not sure if you realize that. I’m not blaming you for my leaving though, so please don’t think that. I’m sorry I tried to leave before with Valentina. I was going to write and mail you a letter while I was on the road. I leave but I don’t like to leave things unsaid. You probably can relate to being able to say things better in writing. It’s pure that way, without interruption. Talking to you in person might change or make me forget some things I want to say. I want to say it clean without part of it influenced by your reaction. You are very intense and passionate. I know you would convince me to stay. You’d want me to stay because you wouldn’t be ready to let me go. It would force you to move on from the past when you might not be ready for that. It would make you feel like you’re inadequate or you failed me in some way even though you’re not and you didn’t. It would leave you feeling like things are not resolved.
We are similar also because we wander. I can’t always resolve things when I’m in a situation. I need to go off alone and resolve them on my own. I think you’re like that too. You’d take off whenever you want and you’d never tell anyone where you were going, then you’d return with a new perspective. I’m like that too. When everything continues to be the same day after day, it’s impossible to come to terms with anything. We both leave without warning and without saying goodbye. So now you know it has nothing to do with you personally. It’s who I am. Who we are.
Though I don’t choose to leave because of you, part of my motivation is leaving on your behalf. I left the first time because I didn’t want to trap you. I returned because I didn’t think it was fair to not give you the option. It took me a while to realize that. I tried to leave with Valentina because you were struggling so much to be a good father. You were putting so much pressure on yourself to do everything right. I know you loved her and it’s a part of who you are to do the right thing, but I wanted you to make choices in your own time. Plus, I have my own issues which I’m sure you learned. I don’t like to reveal that side to me to anyone. It makes me feel weak and unbalanced. If I had left with Valentina, I would have come back. I also try to do the right thing, but maybe sometimes I do it in the wrong way. Especially when I’m not sure exactly what the right thing is that I need to do.
I’m leaving this time because the memories are too painful for me. I think they are too painful for you too. I’m not sure if I will ever be back. I would like to send you an address where you can write to me, but I will have to think about that. I wouldn’t want you to show up when I’m not ready for that. It wouldn’t be unlike you to show up unexpectedly. I guess I can say the same about myself. I’m realizing that there are more than a few things similar between us, even though we are very different people.
Again, I am leaving on your behalf. As I said, things are too painful for you. You look at me and see Valentina and I see the agony in your eyes. I am a constant reminder. You are a constant reminder to me too. The apartment won’t stop smelling like Valentina. The reminders are forcing me to mourn differently than I naturally need to. I also think you’re conflicted. You are grieving, but part of you is aware of an obligation to me. You want to be there for me, but you’re not ready for that. So again you’re putting pressure on yourself to do the right thing, yet it’s too difficult for you. You are also being forced to grieve differently than you need to. I understand that.
It seems we don’t need each other for ourselves to mourn, but we feel we need to be there for each other. This prevents us from feeling fully what we need to feel. We are depriving ourselves of honest and personal grief. I know you don’t like to be around me lately and I understand that too. It’s just a part of your conflict. I’m a reminder to you, as I said. Plus, you think you need to be there for me because I cry. Meanwhile, you’re holding it in and inside it’s destroying you. It’s not a process we can do together. It’s not something we should feel an obligation to. We will mourn better separately. You’ve had many struggles since I’ve known you and they all came from your desire to do everything right. I don’t want my presence to provoke any more of that.
I may not return, but then again I can never predict my own choices. Right now I’m very sad and I need to heal. I want to know the beauty in life again. I want you to know the beauty in life period. I think you’re a sad person always seeking happiness. But I think you look in all the wrong places. You look outside of yourself to find it, through bad habits, through breaking those habits, through other people, through trying to make choices that you think will make you feel good about yourself. That’s where we differ. When I search for happiness, I look inside myself. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when I’m in the wrong environment. You have that ability because you’re a wanderer too. But when you wander, you seek answers, which is part of it, but not the full picture. You distract yourself and escape through external things. I think you’re afraid to look inside yourself. I think you are afraid of what you will see. I think you don’t like yourself very much. You seem so confident and despite your struggles you seem very strong. But there’s something inside of you that you’re hiding from, something which darkens your days. It makes you sad and angry. This won’t end until you face it and allow yourself to heal. Then you can be happy at last.
I’m sorry that we had to suffer the loss of our baby. I can’t think of it without crying. Crying has become painful too. It’s no longer a release but another agony. But you need to start crying and let it out. Give yourself the chance to heal from that too. You were a good father. It made me love you so much more to see the man you were with our baby. I do love you. I love you deeply. Thank you for taking me in, more than once, and for accepting fatherhood with strength and grace.
My theme song for this is “Mad World” the Gary Jules version because it’s a perfect reflection of how I feel when I read this letter.
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