Monthly Archives: June 2014


I think I’ll let Hasty write the rest of the posts because I like the way she describes me, I sound like a pretty awesome guy. Thanks Hasty! Anyway, funny she should say she only saw Sage Jr. use the bathroom because we never see him use it. We’re always like, “don’t you ever go to the bathroom??” And it’s true, I get irritated by other drivers regularly and I openly voice that while driving. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who knows how to drive. Anyway, here is a post written by both me and Hasty. Hope you enjoy it.


I hope everyone enjoys the posts Sage and I have planned for you regarding my vacation to Boston.  We hope that you will feel like you were a part of the experience.  Many people have some crazy ideas about us, about our decision to meet up and, maybe because it seemed so natural and innocent to us, we didn’t make it very clear.  My hope is that you will see great friends becoming greater friends through these posts and, while I am aware that people will believe what they want to believe, I hope you believe beautiful things and not sinister things.  Sage started this post off while I was asleep and I finished it… ENJOY!


Hasty and I decided to break the details of her visit up into four posts, but I’m making it five, beginning with this one.  I can’t get her opinion on it because she’s probably sleeping. …

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Last night I was about to reblog this, but first I researched that black oily substance to be sure I told Hasty the right information. I used to eat lobster all the time but I don’t eat meat anymore. I have been focusing on the raw food diet, not so much during Hasty’s visit, but yesterday when I ordered a grilled romaine head Caesar salad, I guess I should have expected an entire head of romaine lettuce, grilled. So yeah, I ate that.
Anyway, researched the black stuff and in most places I found that it was uncooked roe. Hasty found that it was something else less pleasant. My research lead me to believe that the lobster itself was undercooked. Then I began researching the dangers of eating undercooked lobster. Basically, I had broken open the tail and served this potential poison to my son. There was so much conflicting information on the internet, that in the end I called the poison control center and the on call doctor at the pediatrician’s. I was reassured that if he was going to get sick, he’d already be sick, and if it’s any kind of parasite or tape worm he could get, I’d see evidence in the next few weeks, but the chances are unlikely. The dr. said those cases are rare and it has to be significantly undercooked seafood.
So now I can reblog this. There’s more I want to say about the beach, but we’ll cover every bit of the trip somehow, someway, sometime.


Today the Sage family and the Hasty family went to North Hampton for a day at the beach.  I have to say HastyKid is a natural and is dreaming of becoming the next big surfer girl.  She had a blast riding the waves with Sage Jr and after getting buried in the sand, Sage Jr made her look like a mermaid, we decided to eat sandwiches and write a poem together.  Below the poem started out with Sage Jr, then HastyKid, then Hasty, then Sage.  Wifey Sage decided to just soak up the sun and enjoy our genius.

I would like to say the beach and ocean swimming is way more fun than I ever thought it looked. After the beach we went to have lobster and Sage had to show us how to eat it.  Sage Jr. got a pregnant lobster and let me just say I am really, really glad I had…

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A Special News Report from WGRM Boston – Hasty is Out of Control

I apologize to all my readers that I haven’t been able to respond to comments or visit your blogs, but Hasty has been a huger responsibility than I could imagine.  We spent the entire day in Boston yesterday, and by entire day I mean just about 11 hours.  It started out fine, but then Hasty went completely nuts and hijacked the Duck Boat while we were in the middle of the Charles River.

hasty hijacks the duck boat

If you look down in the right corner you can see the tour guide’s hand in a gesture as if to calm her down.

Then she and HastyKid, who is too smart to be a real kid, I think she’s some kind of adult freak of nature Betty Button or something, they conspired to blackmail me and expose my identity to the world for a million bagillion dollars, which I don’t have.  I tried to compromise with them, but they went mad and began to bully little children off the carousel in the Common.

hasty and kid carousel

Somehow we made it home safely, still with talks about black mail.  It’s now the early morning hours and they are asleep and she doesn’t know that I’m blogging to implore you people for help.  But first, let me tell you my real identity, before she has a chance to.  My real name is Guido Idiota Fettucine.  My son is Alfredo Fettucine.  My wife is Marie Jean D’Arc Marie Marie Marie Babette Fettucine, maiden name Soufflé.  She’s Canadian.  And she’s not even from the French speaking region, so yeah her name’s a little strange.

Anyway, Hasty doesn’t know I’m posting this.  It was literally an 11 hour day, great day in Boston and we’ll be posting more about it sometime soon.  But the truth about Hasty is that she’s an incredible sweetheart and beautiful person.  And speaking of beauty, she was still looking good after we got caught in a near down pour while we were on the swan boat ride in the Public Garden.  But I’ll be polite about that.  I did offer her my jacket but she didn’t want it.

Then there’s her daughter, who truly does have a very sophisticated wit.  She’s got a great personality and she’s hysterical.  She’s also a great house guest.  HastyKid is very polite and cleans up after herself, puts her dishes in the sink, and she’s just a pleasure to have around the house.  Hasty is a fantastic mother and she has done well with this little girl.  I’m sure HastyHusband had something to do with that too, because HastyKid expresses often that she misses him and every now and then I get the sense that she’s a little homesick, which is expected when a kid is away from a good home.

I guess that’s it for now.  As I said, I’ll be by catching up, and then some, once this adventure comes to an end.  It may take some time, but I won’t let you down.

In the meanwhile, stay tuned….


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Well, after Hasty’s description of me, I think I’m attracted to myself. I think she’s exaggerating anyway. However, she’s definitely as beautiful as she appears on her blog. And she’s as warm and genuine as I expected. HastyKid’s very cool. Having them here seems too natural to feel strange. All right, time to plan our day tomorrow.



Yesterday I renewed my VERY expired drivers license so I could fly to Boston on Wednesday to see Sage.  My daughter and I woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to go at 3:30am and got to Boston about noon.  This is what we saw when we got to baggage claim.


Sage’s son made us this superstar poster!  So I met Sage and he has the most gorgeous brown eyes.  I mean I felt a bit weird because I kept sneaking looks at his eyes.  And his wavy brown hair is even more swoony than I had imagined.  Oh and before I forget he wore his kilt which was amazing times 5.  He smiled more than I expected which made hanging out with him really easy.

After we got picked up from the airport we stopped off at Walden Pond and took some cool pics.  I think Thoreau…

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Welcome Hasty! And HastyKid Too!

Met Hasty and her daughter outside the gate at Logan airport this afternoon, gave them each a hug like they were old friends, and Hasty told me I was gorgeous, so it was great all around.  It is the hottest day of the year yet at 91 degrees and at least 75 % humidity.  So after getting her baggage and leaving the airport, a spontaneous stop at Walden Pond was nice but a little rough.  All of Hasty’s makeup melted off her face and I could feel sweat dripping down my back as I forced her to walk part way around the path to visit the original site of Thoreau’s cabin.  This is after we visited the cabin replica and signed in the guest registry.

walden pond guests

I was just reminded that I also took them on this semi-adventure when they had little sleep and we were all starving for lunch.  Go figure, it was 2pm.

Anyway, we made it to the cabin site and here are Hasty and HastyKid on the hearth:

hasty and kid

I took this pic of the pond before we left to head home:

waldon pond

When we arrived at my place we made sandwiches and salad and went to my own little pond.  Then we visited my neighbor and the kitten she is fostering, which we will probably have joint custody of:

hasty and kitty

And now the kids are inside playing games while we’re sitting out blogging together.  It’s cooled down and there’s a nice breeze.  Oh and yeah, some more disclosure as I gradually expose more and more of myself, I have a son.  I wasn’t going to mention it, but it seems he’s going to be a big part of this journey, especially since he made the sign for Hasty and HastyKid for when we met them at the airport.  I think Hasty’s posting a picture of that.

I guess that’s all.  I’m trying to get her drunk but she’s refusing to have more than one glass of wine.  Nah, that’s not true.  She only had one glass but I’d never purposely get her drunk.  That would have to be her own choice.

So there you have it.  More to come soon.


P.S.  I blogged first Hasty ;)

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“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 193: Visiting Bogart

June 22, 2014


I haven’t written much this week because when we went to see the new apartment on Monday, Pete and Cola loved it, and Astrid said we could start moving in anytime.  So that’s pretty much what we’ve been doing.  It’s awesome we could get in early, because Pete can get last month’s rent back at his old apartment since he won’t even be there.  Bogart is probably going to move in with us, I saw him yesterday and his mother was visiting too so I had the chance to talk with her.  The good thing is that Astrid isn’t charging much money for the place because Bogart only makes about $700 per month from social security, so we can’t possibly expect him to contribute to costs.  There’s no way that the guy will be able to work, as I see it now, but maybe we can try to see if there’s something out there, if for no other reason than to instill some self sufficiency.  The rent is $1500/month including everything.  So we definitely can afford that along with other living expenses without expecting money from Bogart.  The place is worth more than that but Astrid said $1500 is all she needs.

Anyway, I was at the institution visiting him, his mother hadn’t come yet, and he was talking about us being “flatmates.”  He’s so excited he almost broke my ribs when he slammed me against the wall.  But the saddest thing was that he said he finally would feel like a real person, live a real life, and have friends like other guys his age.  When he says shit like that, it’s obvious that he knows he’s not exactly ok, even though he laughed when he said it.  But I’ve never really seen him sad or depressed or down, not that I can remember.  His moods are either manic or angry.  When he was upset about getting the shock treatment, even then it was a nervous kind of sad.  And when he’d get the treatment he was immobile and internalized, which gave the illusion that it was working, but they’ve since discontinued the therapy since they determined that wasn’t working either.  They are still experimenting with medications.  His mother said they keep switching and his body never has time to rid of one med from its system before they’re giving him something else.  This is why she decided she wants him out of there.  She said he’s served his time for whatever he did to be arrested and this last medication he’s on seems to be the best yet.

It’s all confusing but I think I have the story straight now.  He got arrested, went to juvie, stayed there a while until he was 18 and went to jail, which his mother fought, and had been fighting right along, because she knew he was imbalanced, and eventually she won, getting him into an institution.  He started at a maximum security psych hospital, or however she described it.  Then he got transferred a few times until he ended up at the place I was at.  This clarifies it only slightly for me.  Before I thought she committed him, but it was the state.  She’s hard to understand because of her accent, but easier to understand than Bogart, since he is prone to talking exceedingly fast using lots of slang and sometimes he’s incoherent.  It’s why I can’t directly quote him so much, since I often have no clue what he says, instead I just get the idea of it, and document what he means to say.  But yeah, so I kept asking his mum what he did and she won’t tell me, she says I don’t need to know right now.  I was like, I think it’s important for me to know right now since he’s moving in with me.  I think she’s afraid if she tells me I’ll change my mind about having him move in.  But she keeps telling me that all he talks about is me.  I’m not sure if that will turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing that he’s obsessed with me.

But yeah, the institution seems to have found a med that has him the most stable he’s ever been, even as a child.  The following information contradicts what Bogart told me long ago, but not completely, which leads me to believe there’s truth in what he told me, but he just has his time frames off, since his perspective was probably skewed from his paranoia and delusions.  His mother said he was in and out of institutions even in childhood.  After several efforts, his mother finally gave up trying to have him attend school.  Kids made fun of him so he beat them up.  This occurred even in elementary school.  Teachers were afraid of him because he had violent outbursts.  She didn’t mention the sexual abuse by her boyfriend that he told me about, or that Bogart murdered him, and I didn’t ask.  It seems there will sometimes be no way of knowing the difference between truth and Bogart’s delusions.  Instincts tell me it’s true though.

Anyway, so he’s leveled off, still manic, no delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, or paranoia.  He seems happier.  And he’s like the best happy person ever.  It’s great to make him laugh.

I said to him yesterday, ” Hey Bogart, I can speak Cockney slang too, see, jibber bobby blah dee blah bob’s your uncle, gov, yeah apples and pears and fruit and all that you twat.”

He responded with, “BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA…” for about ten minutes.  Then every now and then he’d bring it up, “oi jibber bobby blah bwahahaa ya cunt!”

I guess essentially, his mother has seen him react to people like he reacts to me, in the past.  Yet the response from those people has always been rejection.  He puts them off with his mania and excessive talking, and especially his violent way of expressing affection.  Those people often mocked him.  None of them responded positively.  This has taken place in various settings like in institutions, schools before he stopped school, and in public places the times he’s been out, and just running errands with her, since she could never leave him home alone.  She admits to committing him sometimes just because she was either tired or intimidated.  But she said he stopped showing any kind of emotions towards people for many years because, though the rejection didn’t seem to reach him emotionally, since he was kind of oblivious to it, the behavior of the rejection was not the response he wanted and it conditioned him to back off.  Unless of course he was in a paranoid and delusional stage, then he saw more into the rejection than was there and he was prone to violence.

Basically she said that he likes and trusts me and I’m a good friend for him.  She thinks I can handle him.  She has no idea what more she can do.  I have no idea what I can do either, but I guess I can be his friend and I can share my world with him.  My friends are good, accepting people and maybe that’s what he needs is to be accepted by someone, anyone who isn’t his mother.  His mother is and pretty much always has been the only person, not only to be in his life, but the only person who truly accepts him.  He’s 22 and I think he’s just a kid, even though I am 24, I feel so much older.  He’s never had real friends, not one.  Not until me.

My theme song is “As Time Goes By” by Dooley Wilson, because, well, Bogart and Casablanca and all that you twat.


previous Grimm 192: Prospects for the Clan

next Grimm 194: Irrelevant Thoughts and No Excuses

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to:

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 186-210 | 10 Comments

“The Journal of Sage Doyle” De-spidahfying for Hasty and Mass Orientation

June 20, 2014


All right well Hasty posted her take on her upcoming visit up here in Boston, and so now it’s my turn to document mine.  It feels very strange for me to befriend someone online to the extent that I would invite the person to come and stay in my home.  Every time I ever heard of such a situation I thought, “those people are nuts”.  I guess I’m nuts.  I tend to have good instincts though.  Besides, I’m picking her up at the airport, so if while I’m waiting for the image on the blog to get off the plane, instead a 7 foot tall guy with tattoos featuring tales of dismemberment approaches as if to confess he’s the real Hasty, I’ll have to leave the airport without her.  Or him, if that was the case.  Obviously, the situation must be much more frightening for Hasty, since she’s flying about 1700 miles away from home to a city she’s never been to before, to meet a stranger from the internet, and stay in his home.  She sounds more nuts than me, right?

But when I think about it, I know I’m harmless, so I’m not concerned about her, but I don’t know her really, so there’s always that question in the back of my mind, “am I doing something that I will regret?”  Then my instincts kick in again, and I’m not bothered by it at all.  Essentially, the instincts overrule the hesitancy, since if the opposite were true, then I wouldn’t be inviting her to begin with.  For the most part, I feel like we’re old friends and that we’ve known each other for ages, I just haven’t seen her for a while.  So it was interesting to read her perspective when she said she felt as if I was a cousin that she’s never met before.

Anyway, other than the natural reservations that come up in this kind of situation, I wonder about other things.  Will she enjoy the trip?  Will she like my home?  She says she feels as if she’s going to meet a celebrity, so will she be disappointed?  Not that I want her to continue to feel that way, but it’d be great if we got along, because what if we hate each other?  Will she think I’m a slob?  Nah, never mind that last one.  This place is clean because it had to be de-spidahfied, since Hasty doesn’t like spiders.  I tend to get a lot of spiders.  Maybe that’s my fault since I catch them and put them outside, so it’s probably just one spider and he’s fucking with me.  But yeah, I hope she’s not disappointed and regretful.

I asked her what kind of food she likes to eat, and she said she doesn’t really eat anything but she’s been into eggs lately.  Ok, that sounds simple.  Stock my fridge with eggs.  We’ll be out and about doing stuff a lot anyway.  The following are some of the things we’ve discussed as possible ventures out.  My name is Sage Doyle and these are plans we discussed, not listed in any particular order:


1.  Since I don’t live directly in Boston, we’ll spend a day there, definitely go to the Common, I can show her Cheers from the tv show, Quincy Market/Faneuil Hall, Fenway, we can walk the Freedom trail, etc. etc…

2.  We will go to Salem, probably the same day as Boston, if we get to Boston early enough.  Salem’s pretty small.  There are some shops and a couple of museums like the Witch Museum and The House of Seven Gables.

3.  We plan to go to the beach one day, tons of beaches to choose from, but I have one in mind, maybe.

4.  We’ll definitely go out for some lobster, especially since there’s the best lobster around here and it’s cheaper than if you get it in Maine.  I don’t eat lobster anymore but I know Hasty likes it.

5.  I’d like to take her for a trail hike, and I’d also like to drive her to the top of a mountain so we can have a picnic lunch.  I don’t think she’s hiked mountains much, so we’ll only hike it if she wants to, but not if she won’t enjoy it.

6.  I’d like to kind of take her around and see the local area, some of the small New England towns, old cemeteries.  If there is time we could go to Walden Pond and the DeCordova Museum.

Basically there’s tons of stuff around here, with little time for us to do a fraction of it.  When Hasty did the research, she was dumbfounded, I think, at how much there is surrounding my location.  I love it here for that reason.  I could go to any of the New England States in under 8 hours, 4 hours for New York or an hour if I take the commuter plane from Boston, 8 hours for Pennsylvania, or 5ish hours to Canada.  These are rough time estimates, from my memory of making those trips.  I haven’t done that in a while.

So Hasty and I tossed out some of the main ideas as mentioned above, and we’ll kind of just go with the flow.  Obviously we need to fit in some time to relax and get to know each other and do a couple blog posts.  I’ll have the privilege of doing a poetic duet with Hasty in person.  That’s wicked awesome.  Oh yeah, maybe Hasty will leave here with the word “wicked” as a part of her vocabulary.  Also, she may learn why not only are we referred to as “Massholes” but we also proudly display bumper stickers that simply say “Masshole”.  On that note, I just realized that I have to take her to Dunkin’ Donuts.  There’s a Dunkin’ Donuts on practically every corner of every street in every town and city of Massachusetts.  That’s only a slight exaggeration.  I’ve been to Dunkin’ Donuts in other states and it’s not quite the same.  I can’t remember what state it was, but I went to one and asked for a medium regular.  They gave me a black coffee.  I asked, “where’s the cream and sugar?”  They pointed to a self serving station.  I was like, “you mean I have to put it in myself?”  It was culture shock for me.  I was baffled.  In many of the New England towns there are building codes, so Dunkin’ Donuts designed a structure to meet those codes in order to get into those towns.  DD also is sure to set up shop not far from many campgrounds.  I remember reading an article, which who knows if this is true or not, but Ben Affleck was filming a movie in his home state of Massachusetts and wanted to do a scene in a DD.  Someone suggested a Starbuck’s because that’s THE place for coffee.  Affleck responded with something like, this is Massachusetts, it’s got to be a Dunkin’s.  Maybe you have to be from Mass to know that.

So yeah, I guess Hasty will know things about me that I’ve been secretive about.  I don’t conceal facts about myself to be deceptive or anything, it’s only just because I’m a very private person.  What once started as a penname has become an identity, which was not anticipated and is kind of strange, kind of fascinating.  My personality shouldn’t be a surprise though, since I’m pretty much as you see me here.

I don’t know how Hasty does it with all the links she included in her post, that’s so freakin’ time consuming and greatly appreciated.  I think she pretty much covered our online collaborations and her character in Grimm though.  And since she has over 13,000 followers, I’m pretty sure that those of you who are following me are following her too.  But if that’s not the case then be sure to go on over and visit her blog.  She’s a sensitive person who is intensely passionate about her beliefs and ideals.  She’s a profound poet and what I perceive as a very genuine soul.  I feel honored that she trusts the idea of me so much, that she has chosen me to visit, of all the bloggers.  Definitely an honor that I’m looking forward to.

I’ll close out with a video, maybe for Hasty’s benefit, maybe just for the hell of it, but it’s classic, maybe only appreciated by Massholes:

Shit Boston Guys (Massholes) Say


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Well, I reblogged this on my Sage Doyle blog and it wouldn’t let me reblog it twice, including here, so I copied and pasted the entire post from  I’ll be doing PART TWO in a couple days.  I don’t think it will be as good as Hasty’s though, so that’s a fair warning to you, and hopefully that will encourage you to read her post below and visit her blog as well.  Here it is:



I am about to do something I NEVER thought I would do.  I am about to fly to Boston to stay with a blogger I have never met.  At first, I was super excited but then the reality hit me.  I don’t even know the bloggers real name or where exactly he lives.  Will he pick me up at the airport take me back to his lovely place, where once inside, all the windows will have metal shades that will start to close and doors that will swing shut violently and lock?  Have I lost my mind?  To express my sentiments more clearly I have written a little poem about how I felt using the lyrical framework of “I will survive”.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking have I lost my mind
befriending you like this
I’ve spent so many days
thinking how I’d pull this off
And I grew strong
And I decided to play along
and so I’m going
from my cozy space
I just purchased my airline ticket
anticipating the first time I’ll see your face
I should have done a background check
I should have at least asked for your address
If I had known I’d be this crazy
I’d have prepared less frantically
So here I come, to Boston
To late to turn around now
Especially, since there are no ticket refunds
Please don’t murder me, or kill me with a knife
Because I will crumble
I’ll freak out before I’d die

Oh no, no please
Don’t murder me
I really want to live
I want to survive

Oh no, no please
Don’t murder me
I really want to live
I want to survive

In all seriousness though, I feel like I am going to stay with a celebrity.  I am going to meet Sage Doyle, the author of my favorite online story, The Journal of Wall Grimm.  I am really not worried at all about staying with Sage because I feel like I am going to go visit a cousin I have never met. Once I get there we plan on writing a few posts together but I thought it would be good to reintroduce him to everyone. I am giving everyone a cheat sheet of links so it is easy to catch up on our friendship.

There are several links to The Journal Wall Grimm story because Sage wrote me in as a character some time back as a thank you for being such a HUGE fan.  There is a character index, which I find super clever on Sage’s part, where you can read all the times Hasty visits Grimm.  There are too many to list here which is a testament to our friendship.  Anyway, if you get time you should read the entire journal because it is super, super good. Without further adieu… I present to you Sage Doyle.

Journal Entries

The first time Hasty meets Grimm

Getting tattoos

Post 1 of 11 – Road Trip

Our snow fort

Hasty’s Birthday 

A Hasty and Grimm Poem

The Moore Tornado

Swimming naked

Special agents


Ode to Hasty


Summer Soul

Our Poem


Finding Life

The Orchard


And as a final note, in an effort to answer all the emails I will get.  Sage has a beautiful wife that I am anxious to meet.  It is very possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I hope you enjoy our friendship over the next several weeks.

Categories: HASTY VISITS SAGE IN BOSTON | Tags: , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 192: Prospects for the Clan

June 16, 2014


Yesterday was father’s day and it was good to spend time with my dad but internally it sucked because it would have been my first ever father’s day.  I realize now that it was mother’s day when Sweetheart left and that fact, along with the letter, clarifies everything for me.  I’m kinda annoyed with myself that I took her leaving so personally at first, without recognizing that it was mother’s day.  Or maybe I did recognize it but didn’t document it and don’t remember.  I had a lot on my mind with the performance at Sharly’s on the way.  I hope Sweetheart will send me an address because I’d write to her.  I do communicate better in writing.  There’s stuff I want to say to her that she deserves to hear, but that I could never just say unless it was in writing.  Anyway, yesterday was rough but I sucked it up to make it all about my dad and that’s the way it should be.

Howard and Daisy will be leaving their house and move to a retirement village of sorts by July 1st.  They’re happy about where they’re going, it’s pretty nice there, I checked it out with them.  It’s not far and Blues Monday will prevail.  Pete, Cola, and Hasty have spent the weekend in Boston.  They went to the Pirate Crawl Friday night, then to Gay Pride the next day.  They’re at a hotel in Boston until today.  I wanted to join them but I wasn’t really ready for the good times like that after my recent relapse.  I need to keep it simple and stay away from big events that will make me want to drink.  At least, for the most part, my relapses have been just with alcohol, except for my last bout with Dave before I cursed him.

I’ve just been doing a lot of work helping Howard clear out stuff that’s either going to storage, going to their kids, getting packed up to go to their new place, or being set aside for them to have a yard sale at the end of the month.  Their house is on the market also, so I’ve helped with cleaning, maintenance, and yard work.

Pete, Cola, and I have also been looking around for apartments.  We’re doing it separately in order to cover more ground.  We want a four bedroom, in case Bogart does move in with us.  I don’t want to end up on the couch in my own apartment yet again.  Especially now that I’ve been sleeping on the floor while Cola sleeps in my bed.

So Saturday, while Pete, Cola, and Hasty were gallivanting at Gay Pride, I went to visit Bogart, and later viewed an apartment that I think might be the one we’ll take.  First, Pete and Cola have to check it out.  I’ll take them there today when they get back from Boston.  But Saturday, I found this place in the paper and called and spoke to a woman named Astrid.  She owns the house which is a Victorian fixed up like a two family.  She lives on the first floor.  After we spoke, I went there to have a look because it sounded perfect and she seemed cool.

The house is amazing, I like the Victorian architecture.  It has a lot of land in back with a fire pit that she said we could use whenever we want but then she might have to come out and join us.  There’s also a grill which she says she never uses because she doesn’t cook, so we can use it, but we should be prepared to make enough for her to eat too.  There’s a crazy swing out back, which at first I thought was some kind of sex swing, but then I recognized it as one of those swings from the King Richard’s Faire, with the bar for the feet.

The apartment is huge, as Victorian apartments tend to be.  There are four bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, big living room, a big kitchen that leads into a dining room, and it has kitchen appliances and a washer and dryer included.  It’s perfect.  There’s even a patio outside of the upstairs where we can hang out, or we would be free to go down and hang out in the yard or by the fire.

Anyway, I had Pete’s car, since they used Hasty’s to get to Alewife, and I drove to the place to view it.  I knocked on the door and some guy answered, which confused me since Astrid said she lived alone, I thought maybe I was at the wrong place.

I said to him, “I’m looking for As–”  Then I saw her coming in from another room and I said, “Astrid?”

She said, “If you’re looking for ass, you’ve come to the wrong place.”

I got kind of embarrassed because I was trying to be respectable so I could maybe get the place, but it was funny.  She then told me I looked like Clint.  I was wearing my Eastwood and Stepping Wolves.  I said, “What?”

“Clint.”  She pointed to my hat.

“Oh Clint.  Eastwood.  I thought you said…never mind.”

And she laughed.  She’s cool.

Her guy friend, named Matt, followed us around as she showed me the apartment upstairs.  He seemed very protective of her and I got the sense that he didn’t like me.  But whatever, it’s her place and she seemed to have no problem with me, so I wasn’t worried about it.  I had Gary Oldman (II) with me.  She has a cat too, but he seems to be a beast that could tear Gary to pieces, since she’s a delicate little girl cat.  So I have to keep a watchful eye if I let her out in the yard.  When she was done showing me the apartment, we went out to the yard and I asked her if she minded that I smoke.  She said no as she grabbed her own pack from her patio table and lit up.  She added, “You can do whatever you want,” then she offered for me to sit and talk on the patio and asked if I wanted a beer.  I told her I don’t drink, I can’t drink, and had the balls enough to admit out loud that I’m an alcoholic.

While we were sitting there, I told her I wanted the place and what were my chances in getting it if we waited until Monday when my would-be roommates could come see it and agree on it.  Astrid told me she wanted me to have it so she’d show it to people if they called, only as a just in case, but I’m her first choice, and we can let her know on Monday.  That’s when I decided to tell her about her potential tenants.

I told her that we’d be 3 guys and 1 woman, who is transgendered.  One of the other guys is gay.  I said then there’s me and she was like, “you’re not gay.”  “Nope.”  “That’s obvious.”  But I got the impression that she liked the idea of having a gay guy and a transgender living there, which is cool.  I told her about Bogart last.  I said that he’s pretty much insane and he’ll be coming from an institution and that I have no idea what it will be like living with him or what he’s like out in the real world, however, we won’t ever leave him to his own devices.  Pete, Cola, and I talked about it and figured that between the three of us, one of us should always be with him.  Pete and I have overlapping work hours, he’s off when I work sometimes, and vice versa, and Cola doesn’t work so Bogart will never be alone.  At least until we figure out what it’s like living with him and what he does with his days.  His mother hasn’t been much help with that kind of information.

I told Astrid I didn’t know him very well, and she asked how I know him but not in the real world.  I had to confess I was in the institution when he was admitted.  She told me she’s been in the “nuthouse” herself a few times.  I didn’t ask her why, but I told her it was my second time in, plus I’ve been in detox.  “Well,” I added, “there’s a third time, which was the first time, way back when I was a kid, but I tend to ignore that to the point that I forget sometimes.”  I confessed that this last time when I met Bogart was because I checked myself in after my baby died.  She nearly cried and I felt bad so we changed the subject.

Matt went off to the bathroom at some point and I leaned over to her, “I don’t think he likes me.  Or the idea of my friends.”

She said, “probably not but don’t worry about it, he has no say.”

“You have all the control, huh.”

“Shit, yeah.”

Ok yeah I’m going to like her as the landlady, I think we have a good chance of getting the place, but we’ll know today.  Interesting prospects ahead for me and my clan.

My theme song is Creedence Clearwater Revival, “Midnight Special” just because I like that song.


previous Grimm 191: Sweetheart’s Letter

next Grimm 193: Visiting Bogart

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to:

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.



Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 186-210 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 191: Sweetheart’s Letter

June 14, 2014


All right well I’m finally going to paste Sweetheart’s letter in my journal.  I don’t know why it took me so long to do that.  Well, I guess I do.  It’s just hard to confront, but it’s significant in my life so it should be in my journal.  But I don’t know if I’ll be addressing it further than this because it’s more something I can’t make so concrete for me at this time I guess.  The best I can do is include it here, so here it is:

Dear Valente,

I know you don’t like how I leave without saying anything so I’m sorry.  You’re a very difficult person to face you know.  I’m not sure if you realize that.  I’m not blaming you for my leaving though, so please don’t think that.  I’m sorry I tried to leave before with Valentina.  I was going to write and mail you a letter while I was on the road.  I leave but I don’t like to leave things unsaid.  You probably can relate to being able to say things better in writing.  It’s pure that way, without interruption.  Talking to you in person might change or make me forget some things I want to say.  I want to say it clean without part of it influenced by your reaction.  You are very intense and passionate.  I know you would convince me to stay.  You’d want me to stay because you wouldn’t be ready to let me go.  It would force you to move on from the past when you might not be ready for that.  It would make you feel like you’re inadequate or you failed me in some way even though you’re not and you didn’t.  It would leave you feeling like things are not resolved.

We are similar also because we wander.  I can’t always resolve things when I’m in a situation.  I need to go off alone and resolve them on my own.  I think you’re like that too.  You’d take off whenever you want and you’d never tell anyone where you were going, then you’d return with a new perspective.  I’m like that too.  When everything continues to be the same day after day, it’s impossible to come to terms with anything.  We both leave without warning and without saying goodbye.  So now you know it has nothing to do with you personally.  It’s who I am.  Who we are.

Though I don’t choose to leave because of you, part of my motivation is leaving on your behalf.  I left the first time because I didn’t want to trap you.  I returned because I didn’t think it was fair to not give you the option.  It took me a while to realize that.  I tried to leave with Valentina because you were struggling so much to be a good father.  You were putting so much pressure on yourself to do everything right.  I know you loved her and it’s a part of who you are to do the right thing, but I wanted you to make choices in your own time.  Plus, I have my own issues which I’m sure you learned.  I don’t like to reveal that side to me to anyone.  It makes me feel weak and unbalanced.  If I had left with Valentina, I would have come back.  I also try to do the right thing, but maybe sometimes I do it in the wrong way.  Especially when I’m not sure exactly what the right thing is that I need to do.

I’m leaving this time because the memories are too painful for me.  I think they are too painful for you too.  I’m not sure if I will ever be back.  I would like to send you an address where you can write to me, but I will have to think about that.  I wouldn’t want you to show up when I’m not ready for that.  It wouldn’t be unlike you to show up unexpectedly.  I guess I can say the same about myself.  I’m realizing that there are more than a few things similar between us, even though we are very different people.

Again, I am leaving on your behalf.  As I said, things are too painful for you.  You look at me and see Valentina and I see the agony in your eyes.  I am a constant reminder.  You are a constant reminder to me too.  The apartment won’t stop smelling like Valentina.  The reminders are forcing me to mourn differently than I naturally need to.  I also think you’re conflicted.  You are grieving, but part of you is aware of an obligation to me.  You want to be there for me, but you’re not ready for that.  So again you’re putting pressure on yourself to do the right thing, yet it’s too difficult for you.  You are also being forced to grieve differently than you need to.  I understand that.

It seems we don’t need each other for ourselves to mourn, but we feel we need to be there for each other.  This prevents us from feeling fully what we need to feel.  We are depriving ourselves of honest and personal grief.  I know you don’t like to be around me lately and I understand that too.  It’s just a part of your conflict.  I’m a reminder to you, as I said.  Plus, you think you need to be there for me because I cry.  Meanwhile, you’re holding it in and inside it’s destroying you.  It’s not a process we can do together.  It’s not something we should feel an obligation to.  We will mourn better separately.  You’ve had many struggles since I’ve known you and they all came from your desire to do everything right.  I don’t want my presence to provoke any more of that.

I may not return, but then again I can never predict my own choices.  Right now I’m very sad and I need to heal.  I want to know the beauty in life again.  I want you to know the beauty in life period.  I think you’re a sad person always seeking happiness.  But I think you look in all the wrong places.  You look outside of yourself to find it, through bad habits, through breaking those habits, through other people, through trying to make choices that you think will make you feel good about yourself.  That’s where we differ.  When I search for happiness, I look inside myself.  Sometimes it’s hard to do that when I’m in the wrong environment.  You have that ability because you’re a wanderer too.  But when you wander, you seek answers, which is part of it, but not the full picture.  You distract yourself and escape through external things.  I think you’re afraid to look inside yourself.  I think you are afraid of what you will see.  I think you don’t like yourself very much.  You seem so confident and despite your struggles you seem very strong.  But there’s something inside of you that you’re hiding from, something which darkens your days.  It makes you sad and angry.  This won’t end until you face it and allow yourself to heal.  Then you can be happy at last.

I’m sorry that we had to suffer the loss of our baby.  I can’t think of it without crying.  Crying has become painful too.  It’s no longer a release but another agony.  But you need to start crying and let it out.  Give yourself the chance to heal from that too.  You were a good father.  It made me love you so much more to see the man you were with our baby.  I do love you.  I love you deeply.  Thank you for taking me in, more than once, and for accepting fatherhood with strength and grace.

Love always,



My theme song for this is “Mad World” the Gary Jules version because it’s a perfect reflection of how I feel when I read this letter.



previous Grimm 190: The Timey Wimey Journal That Goes Ping & Tossing Figurative Cookies

next Grimm 192: Prospects for the Clan

For a list with links to all the previous journal entries go to:

Check out the Character Directory Pages to learn about characters mentioned in each post.

Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 186-210 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

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