“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 188: For Emma

*Please be sure to watch the video of the song, “For Emma” at the end of this journal entry.  Music and performance by Kev Cooper at http://kevs-domain.net/  Lyrics by Sage Doyle

*******

May 19, 2014

 

My performance for Emma on Saturday night happened.  This is my story about that.

I was nervous and I wasn’t sure why, but it was almost debilitating.  I went separately from Howard and the rest of the guys.  Separately from everyone, even Cola.  I just needed to be alone.   That felt good at first, not being around a bunch of people going, “are you ok? you’ll be all right. don’t worry about it, it’ll be awesome.”  But then once I realized I was alone with myself, I knew I was in trouble.  On the way to Sharly’s store, I stopped at the liquor store and got a bottle of vodka.  I wasn’t planning on drinking any, I wanted it just in case.  Like some kind of medicine or cure, a remedy.  I wanted it for emergency purposes.  Anyway, I fucking hate vodka, but it doesn’t smell as strong as whiskey.  I could have a few swigs and people wouldn’t smell it on me.  I bought it and kept it in my backpack, and put it in the back room with no intentions of having it.  As the night progressed and the first set was going smoothly, I even forgot about it now and then.

We played three sets.  I was supposed to perform my song “For Emma” during the second one.  We had about a 10/15 minute break between each set.  The first break for me was longer because a few of the other guys also had solo performances at the beginning of the second set.  So I went out back to have a smoke.  Pete came out after I lit up and was like, “that was awesome!”  I didn’t want to be rude but I needed my space so I said thanks but I can’t interact right now.  He went in and a couple guys came out to smoke.  I don’t know who they were so I went around to the side and stood at the corner of the building, peering around to the front.

Then I saw Emma.  She was talking to someone in a car, it looked like her cousin from out of town that she came with.  The cousin got out of the driver’s seat and moved to the passenger seat.  Emma got behind the wheel, and they drove off.

They fucking left.  She was gone.  She never even said goodbye.

Fuck it, I thought.  I went round back grabbed my backpack, went into a stall in the men’s room, and sat on the back of the toilet with my feet on the seat.  I hung my backpack on the back of the door, pulled out the vodka and started drinking.  I pulled out a bottle of valerian and took a handful of them.  I hate vodka, it made me kind of gag, but I got it down.

I don’t know how long I was in there but I had drunk about 1/2 the bottle and I was feeling pretty good with my low tolerance.  Pete comes in the bathroom at that point, I see him through the crack in the door.  He was leaning against the sink and texting.  Just as I started to feel the phone vibrate in my pants, which would have made a sound, Cola comes in, “Did you find him?”  Pete said no.  He said he was trying to text me.  Cola said, “don’t text, call.”  Pete calls, this time I have the phone in my hand.  I took it out to turn it off but got distracted by listening to them talk.  Once again, just as the phone will vibrate, which can be heard in the acoustics of this bathroom, Hasty walks in.  She says, “Did you find him?”  They say no.  Cola says, “you’re not supposed to be in the men’s room.”  Hasty said, “neither are you.”  “Well, I have the equipment.”  “You certainly do.”

Then Pete calls me again while they’re having this conversation.  I try to hold the phone tightly to cover the sound of the vibration, since I was once again distracted from turning it off.  I don’t need shit about that, I’m brain damaged and I was drunk and valerianized.  So he calls, and the phone flies up out of my hand like a bar of soap and lands right in the toilet with a loud plop.

“Grimm?”  They all looked at the stall I was in.

They got me out and Pete was like, you have to perform soon, Howard sent me looking for you.  I told him that Emma left, and they all went quiet.  I got the sense that for the first time ever people were sympathizing with why I drank, why I relapsed, almost like they couldn’t blame me this time.  Pete said, “You know what?  Do it anyway, go out there and perform it the best you can, because she’ll hear about it.  Let her hear about it, what you planned for her, and what she missed.  Show her you had the dignity to still perform it.”  And that made so much fucking sense and sounded so good, but I was wicked drunk.  I told them that and they were like, well, we have to wake you up.  But I didn’t want to leave the men’s room.  The first thing Pete did was confiscate the vodka.  I discouraged him from retrieving my phone from the toilet.  Hasty went out and came back with Gatorade, crackers, and coffee.

As they were all shoving this shit in my face and down my throat, Howard peered in.  Pete told him I couldn’t perform until the third set.  Howard said, “Who are you, Jim Morrison?  Ok, kid, you got ’til the end of the second break.”

Howard left.  I said I needed a smoke and that I thought I’d be all right.  I went out, Cola and Hasty stayed with me.  Pete came out when I was nearly done my second cigarette and said, “Two things.  First, the guys are ready for you.  Second, Emma’s back.”

“She’s back?”

“Yeah, her cousin spilled coffee on herself and wanted to change, but didn’t want to drive back to Emma’s on her own since she’s unfamiliar with the area, so Emma drove her.  They were planning to come back, and…they’re back.”

I felt sick.  Even though I was discouraged that she left, a part of me felt relieved.  Now those nerves came back and I felt weary, drunk, sick.  Plus with all the valerian I took, I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up.

We went back in, Howard told me when I’d be performing my song, and we began the third set.  I sucked.  And I fell off the makeshift stage.  The guys kept playing while people helped me up and gave me a chair.  I lowered the microphone and played that way, which was a little better.  I saw my parents out in the crowd with looks of concern on their faces.  They were talking to Pete, who seemed to be everywhere that night.

Anyway, the moment finally arrived when I was to perform the song.  Howard handed me a guitar that was set aside and tuned for it.  I said into the microphone, “I wrote this song that I want to perform.  It’s a song I wrote for Emma.  It’s called, ‘For Emma’.  So I’m going to perform it right now for you Emma, this song’s for you.”

I hope I made myself clear.  I’m an asshole.

I performed the song and during it, I felt sad, nervous, and certain I failed because I got drunk.  But mostly I felt like I was going to puke.  So when the song ended, the crowd applauded and cheered.  They loved it, and it made me feel good, but when I stood to take the applause, I knew I was going to puke.  I headed off the platform towards the men’s room and Emma appeared in front of me.  She hugged me and kissed my cheek and said it was beautiful.  I said, “can I talk to you in a minute, I’m going to be sick” or some jumble of that context.  I went through the door and projectile vomited onto the stall doors.  Cola came in and said it looked abstract.  Red Gatorade, black coffee, the white stall doors, little chunks of crackers and then there were what appeared to be bits of capsule from the valerian.

Then I was done.  I didn’t have to puke anymore.  Cola said she’d tell Sharly about the mess.  I washed my face, left the bathroom, grabbed myself a ‘tasty beverage’ and went out back for a smoke.

Emma followed me out.  She told me that was the sweetest, most romantic thing that anyone’s ever done for her.  And that she knows no one will ever top it ever.

I said, “I will.”

“I believe you’re the only one who could.”

I couldn’t say anything.  What the hell was I supposed to say? uhhhh so Emma, duhhh you love me now?

She hugged me again and kissed me on the lips.  “You’re amazing.”

“But you’re not in love with me.  I think I figured that out.  I get it.  Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m confused.”

“You can’t be confused about whether you’re in love with someone or not.  I think it’s pretty obvious when you are.”

“I’m confused about something else.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.”

Then she leaned against the front of Sharly’s truck.  Leaned up on it right beside me and took my arm and wrapped it around her, then she squished against my body and rested her head on me.

She said, “I’m going to Spain.  But let’s not talk right now.  Let’s talk later.  Let’s just enjoy this moment.”

And we enjoyed the moment and never did talk.  Not that night, and not since then.  But she said she was going to Spain so that pretty much tells me she’s not altering her life for a relationship with me.  This is especially true since she looked at me all night after that, not like she was in love with me, but like she was feeling compassion for me, which is basically feeling bad for me.

Since then, I’ve not talked much to anyone and people are respecting my space.  But at least I have an excuse since I have no phone.  I worked yesterday and I’m going to Blues Monday today.  I’m just moving on with my life.  Kind of empty, but living.

What sucks the most is nothing’s final.  Emma could come back.  There’s more she probably wants to say.  Her graduation/going away party is this coming Saturday.  Maybe we’ll talk then, if I decide to go.

 

*******

 

“For Emma”

Every time I see you
there’s so much I want to say
but I fear that my honesty
would make you turn away
I want to expose my heart
my worth
the value of my soul
I’ve tried and failed because I’m such a fool
and there’s more for you to know

Because you make me want to be a better man
you inspire my strength and capability
I want so much for you to understand
I need to prove this truth and my sincerity

You are the breeze of every morning
which eases the life in me
you are the muse of all my moments
my peace and intensity

Whenever I think of you
there’s an agony inside
because I know I’m not the man
who deserves you at his side
I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done bad things
I’ve lost you as a friend
I’m working hard to create a world
I’ll be a proper man in the end

Because you make me want to be that better man
you inspire my strength and capability
I want so much for you to understand
I need to prove this truth and my sincerity

You are the breeze of every morning
which eases the life in me
you are the muse of all my moments
my peace and intensity

You are the rhythm of my heartbeat
the eminence of my esteem
you are the benefit of my existence
my peace in intensity
and I love you
Emma, I love you
I love you
Emma, I love you…

*****

previous Grimm 187: Special Agent Spy Grimm the Romantic Neurocollegist http://wp.me/p41c99-R8

next Grimm 189: Rigamacaronified, Nondignification, & Rising Up Against the Dick-Tator http://wp.me/p41c99-Ux

Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

 

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Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 186-210 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

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43 thoughts on ““The Journal of Wall Grimm” 188: For Emma

  1. Reblogged this on SageDoyle.

  2. I’m already getting confused. Is this really fiction or non-fiction?

    • This is really fiction. But I’m glad you’re confused, that means it’s realistic, which compliments me as a writer ;) I use true elements from my life, such as some people, experiences, a lot of thoughts and observations, and things like the last post when he talks about his grades and his experiences working with professors. But those are elements, not enough to make this anything more than fiction.

      • Kev

        I have to admit, Rens not the only one…I wondered if some of it may possibly be real. ;)

        • Yeah I get a lot of people offering me support or concern based on things Grimm goes through, they think it’s me, and it is a compliment that it comes across as that realistic. Grimm as a character is roughly based on a version of myself, though the Emma bit is pure fiction. Basically it’s what I describe to her above. Some of the early journal entries are actual entries from my own journal, what I kept of it when I was back in my Grimm days, and there were a lot of excerpts included as well. I’ll admit to what’s real…mostly ;)

          • Kev

            That’s quite ingenious of you. Love it! :)

          • Thanks! When I first started the other blog, I had no idea what to do, so I started posting old poetry and then just came up with this character Wall Grimm who would be the one who wrote the journal entries. I built off those and it really evolved beyond my expectations, which is how he ended up having a blog devoted to him. Of course, when I came up with the name, I didn’t know there was a tv show Grimm :/ Ah, well.

          • Kev

            It’s called inspiration, my friend. :)

            I watch Grimm…it’s really good, but I never for one moment thought about your story having the same name. It’s so completely different anyway. Loads of shows and books have similar names.

          • Yeah, I never saw the show but it’s based on the fairy tales right? The name “Wall Grimm” literally just came to me one day. Then I was like, who would name their kid Wall? So that’s where the name change came from.

          • Kev

            That’s right…Grimms fairy tales. :D

          • Yeah, this Grimm has nothing to do with that, as you know, except he does have Snow White coming to visit lol

          • Kev

            Emma? :D

          • lol, nope, he went down to Disney World last year and met “Snow White” in Magic Kingdom. Funny thing is that I didn’t realize the Grimm/Snow White thing until I was in the middle of writing the post, so it worked well, but accidentally.

          • Kev

            :D Cool! :D

          • Yep :) Sorry for the delayed responses by the way, I haven’t been interacting in the blog world since Thursday, (only posted Amon-Re Friday, though I did nothing else) but now I’m catching up.

          • Kev

            No worries mate…your blog, do as you like. :D

  3. Kev

    Amazing post, even without the vid…had me glued to every word you said and wondering how it was going to turn out. Wow! You had me thinking it was all going to shit and then you just turned it all around…brilliantly done, Sage. …Nice one Grimm! :D

    • Thanks so much! That’s a great compliment, thank you. I’m especially glad you like the post your song is featured in, that’s always a good thing lol. I’ll be embedding it into the Emma page at some point soon. Thanks again for all your work and for obliging my intentions even though I had no idea how to write a song. It was great working with you Kev!

  4. Kev

    Reblogged this on Kev's Music Blog and commented:
    This song was done in collaboration with Sage Doyle who wrote the lyric and is the mastermind behind Wall Grimm. :)

  5. Pingback: From the Journal of Wall Grimm…For Emma. | Kev's Blog

  6. The lyrics are wonderful. :)

    • Thank you Carol! And the melody Kev creates is touching. I had the song in my head all day yesterday lol

  7. “and the phone flies up out of my hand like a bar of soap and lands right in the toilet with a loud plop.’

    Such a great urban simile. I’d go absolutely postal. It happens to my daughter all the time.

  8. Great story. Good thing it’s not real. I didn’t think Emma was into you anyway. Well obviously he was infatuated with something that did not exist. Better stick with Chloe.

    • lol yeah, and fortunately, I’ve never pined for anyone.

      • Just talking about friendship anyway. Emma knows how fragile you are, and had a song to sing. A real friend could have text you that she was leaving for a minute and the coming right back. Real friends do that you know. By the way the music lyrics and video were awesome. Breathtaking.

        • Thanks so much! But yeah, Emma didn’t know that Grimm had a song for her, I may have not made that clear in the posts. If she had known, she would probably have let him know she was leaving and coming back. :)

  9. Ok when I was reading this I was exhausted with Grimm because when Emma left all I could think was… “you didnt’ tell her did you?” This post said so much about everything. This post alone sums Grimm up really well. Always has great intentions but is his own worst enemy. Constantly makes me want to just hug him until he realizes he is BEING hugged.

    The song…the words…the melody. All completely perfect! Epic Grimm post.

    • Thanks so much! I hadn’t thought of it like that at all, in terms of summing him up, but it does. And funny you should use the word epic, I was thinking that about it, not because of content, but because of length. I think this is officially the longest Grimm post. I never let them get this long.

  10. Kev

    Hey Grimm, I thought you’d be happy to know that your song has had forty views on Youtube so far. Keep it up Grimm! :D

    • hahaa thanks!

      • Kev

        I’ll put a link to your post in the comment section…maybe you’ll get more views. :)

        • That’s awesome, thanks! You wrote a beautiful song Kev.

          • Kev

            Link is done. :) I put it in a comment saying to find out what the song is about visit wall grimm. Feel free to go on there and add anything else you might want to add and re-link. If you like.

            It would be nice to have a short commentary from you as the songwriter anyway. :)

          • Awesome, thanks! I’ll definitely do something with it. I won’t have a chance today because I have plans for Memorial Day so once I’ll just have time for my online routine then I’m off. I want to promote this more definitely, on your behalf. I’m pretty bad at self promotion lol

          • Kev

            Have a good memorial day mate.

          • Thanks Kev!

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