May 16, 2014
I went last night to Emma’s graduation ceremony. I didn’t reveal I was there. I was incognito in a fedora and dark shades. I looked like a spy. Special Agent Spy. Or maybe a detective. Yep, I’m Emma’s very own Private Dick. The innuendo in that is so blatant I don’t need to comment any further. Though I just did. Let me try that again.
My name is Wall Grimm and I am Emma’s very own Private Dick.
Anyway, tomorrow night is when I perform my song for Emma and I’m fucking nervous as all hell about that. I don’t know why. First of all, it’s no huge reveal or anything like that, I mean, she knows how I feel. Second, it’s not the first time I’ve ‘serenaded’ her. I think part of it is performing in front of an audience, kinda freaking about that. But maybe it’s mostly because of how much weight I’ve put on this event. I have been looking at it as if this will decide my fate. She will either have me or reject me, and the idea of her rejecting me feels so final. Like I’ve been walking for hundreds and hundreds of miles to solve the riddle of my life and when I finally get to the end of my journey, some creepy little Yoda guy tells me I went the wrong way.
Then he tries to give me directions.
Then I punch him in the face.
Then I just keep going.
And he says, “Turn back you must. Listen to me you not are. Yourself go fuck.”
And I’m just being weird now. Moving on.
Sweetheart wrote me a letter and sent it in the mail. She mailed it apparently the day she left. I’m relieved that she didn’t just take off with no words for me. The letter arrived yesterday and I don’t feel compelled to attached it to this particular journal entry at this time, however, I will at some point. I just don’t want to think about it because it talks about Valentina. So I read it quickly through, and I plan to read it again when I’m ready to let it reach me. But basically she explained why she needed to go, which makes complete sense, and she also explained why she didn’t say goodbye to me, which makes sense in a logical way but not so much that it compensates the lack of consideration behind it. Whatever, I’ll paste it in here at some point when I’m ready to deal with it.
Otherwise, hmmm, oh yeah, one thing I neglected to mention is that I’m done the semester and these are my grades I got:
Intro to Cognitive Neuroscience – 4.0
General Psych – 4.0
Abnormal Psychology – 4-0
Applied Statistics – 3.5
The general and abnormal psych were easy and interesting. The cognitive neuroscience was pretty fascinating. And I applied my own experience to lot of the course work. Because it’s neuropsychology, crossing fields of science, and it can explain cognitive processes after brain damage. And I’m brain damaged, in a literal not a figurative sense. Mildly brain damaged from the freakin’ gangsta when he smashed a chair over my head. In the beginning it was much more challenging, but what I’ve done is, or what my brain has done is, create new pathways to do the jobs that the damaged area was responsible for carrying out. It was a great course which focused on how the mechanics of the brain, all it’s pieces and parts and inner workings, somehow establish the mind and thought process, and personality. The idea of it is really baffling because if you think about it, it’s comparable to how people could create a machine that has emotions and opinions, a sense of humor or lack thereof, interests and dislikes. It’s just not possible. But that’s why life is amazing, because the biology of a collection of living cells is intensely complex it hurts my brain to think of it right now so I’m going to shut up.
Then there was statistics. I used to be good at math. But with all the drugs and shit and processing inefficiencies, well, I fucking hate math it’s almost painful to do it. So I got a 3.5 with help from a tutor at the college. In general, for all my classes, I sat in the front row, participated in class, attended with minimal absences, and communicated with my professors regularly. That is about 90% of most grades. Because even if there’s course work that you get lower grades on, you can do extra work to bring your grades up. I didn’t do that this semester, but I did that when I was in school before. I have two examples of this. My name is Wall Grimm and these are my examples of how I improved my grades:
WALL GRIMM TURNS BAD GRADES GOOD
Coincidentally, they were both history classes.
1. A History of India. I took an essay exam and my mind evaporated. I couldn’t remember anything. It was the worst test taking experience of my life and it was an excruciating, embarrassing disaster. I got a 1.0 or something. I went to the professor and said I have no idea what happened, I completely panicked, test anxiety or something. I do have test anxiety now since that experience, by the way. I sit down for a test and my mind goes completely blank. It’s the strangest thing. Anyway, so the professor told me I could either retake the test or write a 10 page paper. I chose the paper. He gave me a 4.0 on the paper and that was my exam grade.
2. A History of Mexico. I got a 3.0 on a paper we had to write. I was really pissed off because I was getting 4.0’s on all my papers in all my other courses, so I didn’t know what the problem was. I talked to the professor, he told me that for the papers, I could choose my own topic, first approved by him. So rather than to write based on the prompt he gave to the class, I created my own prompt. Then I got 4.0’s on all the papers.
And so there it is. Wall Grimm’s Strategies for College Success.
Now I’m free until next semester. I might take a course over the Summer, I haven’t decided yet. We’ll see about what this Summer brings. Emma’s going to Spain and Snow White is coming to visit from Disney World. That sounds funny, even coming from my life. Snow White and Grimm over the Summer, hmmmm. Speaking of which, she texted me the other day saying that she saw the video of me in the kilt with the ice cream. It’s like once something “goes viral”, it just never dies, it re-emerges repeatedly in waves, and it takes a while before it reaches everyone. And just when I forget about it, or think the world has forgotten about it, someone either recognizes me or mentions it to me. But yeah, she said she saw it, and then her next text was, “I’m really looking forward to visiting you”. Is there a connection between the two comments – my genitalia a la mode, and her eagerness to visit? I wonder, what could it mean…
It’s probably obvious that I’m ignoring my anxiety about performing tomorrow night, and that deep down inside I think it’s unrealistic of me to expect Emma to change her life goals and suddenly fall in love with me. But I’m a romantic, and I’ll try to approach circumstance with optimism, even if it’s remote. Then again Romeo was an optimistic romantic too. Maybe it’s just being Italian.
My theme song is “Weapon of Choice” by Fatboy Slim only because Christopher Walken is fucking awesome in that video.
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