May 10, 2014
I went to Iona’s this week in between classes and when I knew she’d be home. I wanted to apologize for being rude the other night and she was very forgiving. She seriously has got to be the nicest girl I have ever known. It would be ideal if I was in love with her. Although, she’d probably let me do whatever I wanted and it would create a pattern of my being a pain in the ass loser, and her forgiving me. I’d be too free to make mistakes. I don’t know how to describe that without sounding like an asshole. I wouldn’t purposely take advantage, it would just be a situation that we’d settle in. It wouldn’t involve cheating, because if I’m in love I won’t cheat. So I don’t know what it would entail, I don’t know… Shut up, stop asking questions, Invisible People.
Anyway, I went there and it was a beautiful day, finally it felt like Spring. It’s been raining after two days of that. But that day we decided to go for a walk, but she wanted to shave her legs first. She got in the bath and I sat on her couch playing with Gary Oldman (II), who still goes pretty much everywhere with me, I just don’t always mention her. And I was wearing my Eastwood and Stepping Wolves. Iona still calls me Cowboy mostly, even when I don’t.
I was on the couch and after about a 1/2 hour I hear all this splashing going on in the tub. So I walk in the bathroom and I’m like, “what the fuck are you doing, swimming in here?”
She kind of screamed, startled. She was on her hands and knees in the tub and sat down and said, “oh my god, get out!”
hmmmmmm, thought I. Then I asked if she was drowning and wanted me to save her. She laughed but told me to get out again.
When she came out, she was embarrassed, but she explained she was helping the water bring the hair down the drain. If she doesn’t do that, then there’s little hair stubble bits left in the tub. But I asked her why she was embarrassed and what was the deal anyway because it’s not like I haven’t seen her naked.
She told me that she’s not happy with her body and that the times we’ve had sex, she has to psychologically prepare herself for that and sometimes force false confidence enough for it to happen. Then she told me she wanted me to help her lose weight and get in shape. I said I don’t really know how to help someone do that. She said maybe I can go running with her, so I said I would. She told me that she’s scared to run alone because she’s been watching the show “Missing” on Netflix, and she’s also afraid people will make fun of her as they drive by. I hadn’t realized how insecure she was. So I guess we’re going to start running a few days per week together. I try to run every day, unless something comes up to take that time from me, but the more I stick to a routine, the less that happens. She just wants to start with 3 days. And she has a car, I don’t, so she can drive to meet me wherever or she can pick me up.
And that’s all I have to say about Iona. Now I’m going to finish off my journal entry with 5 brief and random things:
1. Cola and I went to Pete’s one night and the three of us watched “The Big Lebowski”. Sweetheart was in her room resting because she was sick, so I had made some soup for her and brought it over. I make a good soup. Anyway, we watched Lebowski, and since then, every now and then, one of us will say, “The Dude abides.” and another one of us will say, “Shut the fuck up Donny.” Mostly it’s me and Cola since I don’t see Pete that much, but we will text it.
2. Speaking of texting, I’m sick of that bull shit. One thing I can’t stand is when I’m having a conversation with someone and their face is in the phone the whole time. It’s different when you’re around that person every day, like a roommate or something, but when you’re in the company of someone you don’t see that often, it pisses me off and I think it’s rude. All I can think is, ‘can you please get your fucking face out of your fucking phone while you’re having a fucking conversation with me.’
3. Speaking of being rude, sometimes I am self sacrificially polite, when I’m not wrapped up in my own shit. When I’m wrapped up in my shit, I fall into patterns of rudeness, or what I perceive to be as rude, not that other people do, though they probably do. But the ironic thing is that rude is often more honest than polite.
4. Speaking of honest, every now and then I encounter a person who gives me the sense that they are able to read my mind. It’s weird, I know. Either I sense they can, or I start to imagine, ‘what if they can?’ The moment I think someone can read my mind, or I get into a strange thought process about the possibility, I begin to think tons of horrible things uncontrollably in this psychotic mental vomit, then I think in my mind for them to hear, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t really think like that.’
5. Speaking about how I think, I’ve been realizing how shy I am, more and more, ever since I’ve quit all the substances that disguised my shyness. For example, there are times when I’ m out alone in a kind of social environment, not public when being alone is awesome, but being in a situation when there are a lot of people around for an occasion and I don’t really know anyone or I don’t know them very well, such as if I were to go to Emma’s graduation/going away party. I don’t really want to converse with anyone, I feel shy, but then I feel awkward if I’m just sitting there, and it’s social, so I can’t have a book or a notebook, that would just lend to the premise of my antisocialism. Instead I just sit there staring off trying to be invisible so I don’t appear purposefully antisocial or the least bit lonely, which I never am lonely, just shy. I try to do something with my hands but I don’t want to break out my cell and fall into that texting thing I was bitching about, the habits my generation is trapped in, the general inability to cope without technology. And of course I text, but I only have a cell because it’s my phone and I carry it for emergencies, but I text because people text me or because I’m making plans and I’d rather text to make plans than talk on the phone because on the phone I have nothing to say because I am shy and private.
And yeah, there are themes running through all those random things, as well as my bit about Iona, but why should I have to explain or make it obvious. Shut up Invisible Journal Reading People. And random is itself a theme for me, which is an oxymoron pretty much, as my theme songs suggests, although it helps that I’m Italian, but it is also subtly relevant. It’s “Shaddap You Face” by Joe Dolce.
Shut the fuck up Donny.
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