May 3, 2014
Emma graduates on May 15th and she is planning to leave for Spain on June 1st. I just got an invitation to a graduation/going away party for her, which was sent to my parents’ house because Emma’s parents don’t know my address at Howard’s. The party is on Saturday the 24th. That only leaves me with the weekend before or the weekend after, which is the weekend she’s leaving, to plan some way to get her to Charlotte’s Web to see The Convoy, so I can perform the song I wrote for her, and….
….she will instantly fall in love with me and alter all her life plans to be with me. wtf. Is that what I’m really expecting? Seriously? I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so fucking stupid. But Sharly is encouraging. She gave us May 17th to perform and she said that Emma would probably enjoy coming because she’s never seen me play in the band before, no one has really. I’ve hid it from mostly everyone. I’m not even sure if Pete knows, I don’t remember, but I think I hid it from him and Sweetheart. They only know I play the harp. Sharly knows, and Cola knows everything since she read my journals, except for the one I’m currently writing in that she keeps asking to read. She tells me it’s like a suspense novel she isn’t allowed to finish. I just say it’s good my life is suspenseful to her, because it’s kind of suspenseful to me too.
Anyway, so we got the 17th, but first I need to confirm Emma is available that day. There may be other parties she’s going to for either graduate or undergraduate commencement, which is that morning. Anyway, I’ve got some planning to do, and I’m feeling kind of anxious about it. Anxious in a bad way, kinda debilitating, because it seems too much for nothing. I believe now ultimately that I will be doing all this for nothing, and I will gain nothing but humiliation after I am essentially rejected blatantly, openly, publicly, and all my devastation will be obvious and exposed to everyone I know. What the fuck was I thinking. I just thought that she was leaving in the Summer. I was under the impression that it would be the end of Summer, but the soonest would be early July. I can’t back out now.
And onto other things…
Cola has been coming to work with me and Sharly doesn’t mind because Cola will give Sharly some artistic suggestions about displays, décor, and the arrangement of various sections. She also helps Sharly with paperwork and offers herself to do anything Sharly needs. All without pay. Sharly has offered to officially hire her or give her a stipend, but Cola said no. Cola said, “Wall Grimm supports me.” This made Sharly curious, but it also impressed her.
Cola doesn’t help me with my own work because I need to be completely capable of performing my job, going above and beyond myself, whenever possible. There was a lapse in everything I was striving towards there after Valentina died, but I’m working with Sharly once again to become manager. I had just wanted it to be after this first semester back at school, to see if I could handle long hours and school work. Now I know I can. I wasn’t sure at first since I went directly from the psych ward to the college campus. I didn’t expect as smooth of a transition as it turned out to be. It helps that I haven’t hung out much with friends, I’ve isolated myself in many ways. But in positive ways. Being around friends only makes me want to drink and drug.
Speaking of drinking, Cola asked me what triggered my recent relapse. She was like, “was it because of Uncle Dan?” Now, keep in mind, Invisible Journal Reading People, that she hasn’t read this current journal so she has no idea I punched him in the face or anything I said about that.
I was like, “why the fuck would it be because of him, why the fuck are you asking me that?”
She reminded me, yet again, that I shouldn’t talk to a lady that way, but then went on to say that my double use of the F word and my tone of voice exhibited defensiveness, proving her conclusion to be true. She said she knew I was going to a family gathering, then I relapsed.
I said, “How do you know it wasn’t about Valentina? My first family holiday since I skipped Christmas.”
“That could have contributed to it, Wall Grimm, but you were prepared for that. When you’re prepared you prevail. When you’re caught off guard, you go haywire.”
“Yeah, you got me all figured out. Like I’m so weak I can’t deal with adversity. Fuck off. Look, I don’t give a shit about how you feel about my language because you’re fucking pissing me off. Stop fucking prying.”
“I’m going to pry. I’m invested in you now. You’re my living character. My personal protagonist. My gypsy caballero.”
“You make me sound cooler than I am.”
“You are cooler than you are.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Neither do I. Learn to live with it.”
Then we moved off the subject. But she’s manipulative like that. Not manipulative in a devious way, just triggered by her curious investigation. She asks me questions and she gets the answers without my giving them to her. She figures out the truth based on my reactions. I’m able to do that myself with other people because of my intuition, psychological perspective, my psychicisms. But I’m beginning to think I’m too much of an open book. I thought I was quiet and aloof. But my passionate responses give me away. It used to be disguised by my being drunk or drugged. Now it can’t be blamed on anything but genuine reaction. However, as obvious as I am, I’m not sure how many people perceive it. I think it’s just Cola. Maybe Sharly, Pete, and my parents. I think those are the only people because everyone else I tend to avoid when I’ve got shit going on or I’m not up to concealing what’s going on internally. And there are reasons these people would know. My parents just know me, no explanation necessary. I’ve had to answer to Pete as his roommate, and to Sharly as her employee. That involved either ditching them and neglecting my responsibilities in order to avoid them when I wasn’t up to being around people, essentially exposing weaker parts of myself, or their actually witnessing me at my worst moments at times when I couldn’t avoid them. And Cola read my journals. But she’s C-O-L-A Cola, and pretty insightful. I think living with me in such close quarters would have eventually revealed parts of me I’d prefer to hide. But there’s no way she would ever have known as much or have the basis to explore.
Speaking of close quarters, it’s a shame Howard is going to move out of his house, but it’s good that I will need to find a new place, because I’m beginning to need some space. I was thriving on time alone, which I have very little of now. In that way, it’s a positive that Cola read my journals because I don’t have to explain anything to her. As I’ve said before, she’s kind of like my living journal, and apparently for her, I’m a living character. It’s a very abstract, surreal way to view our friendship. But then again, our friendship is, in itself, abstract and surreal. I told Cola this and her response was, “That’s brilliant. I want to be surreal, you can be abstract.” And despite what she says, she does make sense.
My theme song is kind of irrelevant to this journal entry so it’s more of a themeless song. It’s “Turtle Blues” by Janis Joplin, because I’m in the need for some decent blues, but at the same time Janis reminds me of my character Mama.
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