April 21, 2014
Cola went away for the weekend to visit her family in The Berkshires. She had to go as a man because they have no idea she’s transgendered. That wicked sucks, I think, that people have to hide like that from their own family because they know they won’t be accepted if they’re open. I feel very fortunate to have my parents. I’m grateful for them every day. I know that I could tell them anything and they would support me. Unless I was a serial killer or something, then I think they’d want me in prison. Or at least I’d hope they would. Anyway, so Cola was gone for the weekend. I visited Bogart on Saturday and brought him a chocolate bunny even though sugar makes him hyper. He never gets chocolate and he loves it. I got him one of the Lindt bunnies, they’re so freakin’ good. I almost ate it on the way there.
On Sunday I went to my parents’ house. After they got back from church they had our traditional Easter brunch. Most of the family was there, family I don’t see much these days, not since I was living with my parents. Pete was going to come with me but his parents actually invited him home for the holiday and took Sweetheart with him. That’s cool because he also had to hide from them the fact that he was gay and when he came out to them, they kicked him out, right before Christmas, a couple years ago or whenever it was. That’s how we started being roommates at the time because I told him he could stay with me. He’s been kind of estranged from them ever since, and now they took the initiative to be involved in his life, so that’s good. Personally I don’t know if I’d want them back in my life if they took that long to accept me, or sort of accept me. But I can’t say for sure because I’m not in that situation. It must really hurt to go through that. Pete’s pretty tough emotionally. He’s sensitive but strong.
So the day started well, my favorite is the homefries. My mother makes the best homefries. We had homefries, ham with pineapple sauce (I don’t eat ham), baked beans, eggs (I don’t eat eggs), toast, Bavarian waffles, and apple pie for dessert. Plus tons of chocolate. My parents don’t do Easter egg hunts for me and my sister anymore, but they did for a long time. I think the last year they did it was after I turned 21 and they put nips in the eggs. Then they decided I drank too much and that was the end of that. But my sister and I hid the eggs outside for our little cousins and it was fun to watch them run around looking for them.
After the egg hunt and brunch, we were all just sitting out on the patio and talking while the younger kids were playing in the yard. It was kind of rough being around all the champagne. Champagne has always been a big part of our Easters. Either straight or as mimosas. So I was beginning to have a rough time with that, especially since I haven’t been smoking, it was hard to confront two addictions at once. I didn’t talk much because my mind was distracted with these things. And then, of all fucking people, Uncle Dan showed up. He was being all charming and people were glad to see him because he’s not around much, he travels for work and lives in New York. I think I was the only one who was not glad to see him.
I got even quieter as he made the rounds hugging and kissing everyone, and they all had big smiles on their faces. He made his way to me and was like, “Hey, Grimm.” I hate that he calls me Grimm, my family all mostly calls me Valente, sometimes Grimm. But he calls me Grimm and it feels personal, like, that’s my fucking name you have no right to call me that or speak of it, what makes you think you’re that close to me that you can call me by that name, fuck you. I’m not sure how rational that is.
I didn’t respond, I just got up and went in the bathroom. For about a half an hour, he kept turning up wherever I’d go, whatever room I’d be in. I’d find a place with some relatives and sit with them and he’d come in the room so I’d leave and find a new place. I don’t know why I even stayed that long. I was just pissed that he not only showed up, but also that he was following me, trying to talk to me. I had nothing to say to him. I just wanted to be there with my family since I hadn’t been around for Christmas and I was ready to be a part of holiday celebrations after Valentina. He was disrupting my process and my route back to normalcy and stability.
Finally I went out to the fire. We had a fire pit going and some of the kids were making s’mores. Fire brings me peace or rejuvenates and cleanses me. I release all my negative energy into the fire, then bring in the fire power, letting it surge through me, and it makes me feel good. It’s like fire is a healthy drug for me, gives me that rush, yet leaves me with clarity and fortitude. I caved and bummed a smoke off one of my older cousins. So I was just standing there by the fire, feeling like I had this fervent shield around me that nothing could penetrate. No one by the fire spoke to me as if they sensed it, as it almost gave off this “leave me the fuck alone” kind of vibe.
Then fucking Uncle Dan comes by and stands right next to me and says, “Hey, Grimm”. The fire power surged and became an unbearable rage inside of me. It was so intense I had to let it out. And he was the cause of it. He said “Hey, Grimm” and the surge happened immediately, and it was almost seconds after he said it that I turned and punched him square on in the face with such force that he was knocked off his feet. There was a moment of people just looking on in shock, and then I walked away. And then I left.
My parents and sister have called but I haven’t answered when their names show on my cell. I have no clue how to explain that to them. I didn’t even go back to Howard’s because then they’d know where to find me. Instead I went to Iona’s. First I walked around for a while, bought some cigarettes, struggled against going to the liquor store, until I just thought fuck it, just this once. I bought a bottle of Jameson’s. I couldn’t think of anywhere to go, so I went in the woods at the park and drank. It didn’t take much to hit me. Eventually, I staggered to Iona’s and waited for her to return home after whatever holiday activities she was involved in. I sat outside her apartment building, drinking the Jameson’s from an emptied out soda can, like I write Amon-Re as doing.
I spent the night with her, and I’m at her place right now. I called and told Howard I wasn’t going to Blues Monday today. I’m hung over and kind of miserable, and I think I’m getting sick. My throat hurts and ears hurt and my whole fucking face hurts. And…I have nothing else to say right now.
My theme song is “Jerk Off” by Tool, dedicated to Uncle Dan, and it pisses me off that he stirs this kind of violence in me.
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