April 17, 2014
I was talking with Howard and he said that he and Daisy have been discussing moving. He said he hates to face up to the fact that they’re getting older and it would be best for them if they weren’t so rural and didn’t have a house to maintain. So they’ve begun to consider living in a 55+ housing type situation. I felt really bad at first because I thought maybe I wasn’t helping around the house enough, so I offered to do more, and I also offered money. I’ve got a good stash going now since I’m working a lot and I really don’t have much to spend my money on. I buy food for me and Gary Oldman (II) and get Dunkin Donuts coffee sometimes. Cigarettes are my huge expense, so I’ve decided to quit. I tried but it makes me kind of an irritable asshole and I don’t like feeling that way so yesterday I got myself some nicotine gum. I’m chewing a piece right now and it’s actually staving off my nicotine craving. Anyway, I’ve gone off subject.
Howard assured me that more help and more money wouldn’t change anything. It’s something they’ve been thinking about for a long time, and they’re honestly looking forward to a change and simplifying their lives. He said they’ve begun to look into places to move and they’re going to put their house on the market. I’m almost tempted to buy it, maybe with Pete or something, but I kind of don’t want to lock myself down to that kind of a commitment. Not at 24. And not as a gypsy. Can’t just up and leave anytime I want when I have a property to be responsible for.
Yet even though he assured me I couldn’t have done more, I still feel like I could have. But I won’t dwell on it. I hate dwelling. I have a philosophy about that. My name is Wall Grimm and I have a philosophy about the pointlessness of dwelling.
WALL GRIMM’S DWELLING PHILOSOPHY
I don’t want to dwell on the new developments involving Howard’s…dwelling, aka house/living arrangements. Dwelling just turns trivial matters into bigger problems, and extends the life of bullshit. When you dwell, you’re holding yourself back from accepting things as they are and resolving them within yourself. It’s best to come to terms with circumstance, learn from it, and if there’s any way to act on it, then do what you got to do. If you can’t change it, move on. If you can make a difference, then just do it. Dwelling is a stagnancy in physical investment and the cognitive process of realization. Dwelling prevents growth of character. You can’t grow as a person if you’re stuck in one stage of development. So dwelling on what I did or didn’t do with regards to Howard’s situation, is pointless. Howard and Daisy are making a practical decision that has nothing to do with me. I didn’t age them, that’s just life and time. I also did help them a lot, so I can be proud of that. Dwelling often diminishes the worth of accomplishments as you focus on the illusion of incompetencies.
And yeah, I have incompetencies, but I don’t dwell on them, or I try not to. I just build competence out of my awareness of them. Or I try to.
Ok, enough about that.
Last night after work C-O-L-A Cola and I went to Pete’s. Hasty met us there and she fell in love with Cola. In an adoring kind of way, not a marrying kind of way. Sweetheart and Pete liked Cola too and Cola was excited to meet them since she read about them in my journals, she said it was like meeting characters from a book.
Cola wanted to make a late dinner and had spent the day cutting out penguin shapes from lasagna noodles with little penguin cookie cutters. She called it Penguini Pasta. She said it took a long time though so she cooked it with regular spaghetti once we were at Pete’s. She also made a version of Alfredo sauce that only had milk because she forgot about the heavy cream. And since we weren’t having fettuccine, she just called the meal Spaghetti Freddy with Penguini a la Cola.
Then we had a conversation about “what is sexy” essentially. Can you acknowledge that a person is sexy without wanting to have sex with that person? There seems to be a congruency with thinking someone’s sexy and wanting sex with them. Hasty said she felt that women had a better capability than men to recognize sexiness and sexuality in people, regardless of gender, and it doesn’t lead to feelings of sexual arousal or the need to be sexually intimate with that person. Men think a woman is sexy and want sex with her. I disagreed, mostly in terms with myself. I can acknowledge the sexual qualities in people without needing that gratification. Hasty wanted proof through example, so after a thought, I said Cola. Cola’s a sexy person, but I definitely don’t want to have sex with her. But that just made Cola’s night and every now and then she’d say “Wall Grimm thinks I’m sexy” even if it was irrelevant. She mostly calls me Wall Grimm, not just Grimm, she says my whole name. No one else does that.
Anyway, by the end of the conversation, we came to a consensus that men do have the ability, and we’re talking about heterosexual men here. But it’s different than women. Heterosexual women can think a guy is sexy and not want sex with him. However, a heterosexual guy is going to want sex with any woman he finds sexy. The same guy can recognize sexiness in other men, but it varies. Some guys won’t allow themselves to consciously acknowledge it. Some guys will, but won’t openly admit it. Other guys, like me, are comfortable with their own sexuality enough, to not feel threatened by that. Although, I can’t think of any examples of guys I recognize as sexy, not at the moment, not even any celebrities.
From this conversation emerged a plan to have an opposite day. As I said before, Cola likes the opposite of everything. The opposite day will definitely test my level of comfort in my own sexuality and manhood. They want to all go out and dress as our opposite gender. So Pete and I would dress as women, Hasty, Sweetheart, and Cola would dress as men. Cola is anatomically a man, but identifies herself as a woman, so her opposite would truly be dressing as a man.
I’m not sure how much like a woman I’d look like, and….damn I don’t know, but I guess I’ll just have to um…man up, and dress like a woman.
We ended the evening by playing music and dancing. The best song we danced to, because it’s a cool song to dance to, will be my theme song. It’s “Lose Yourself to Dance” by Daft Punk.
previous Grimm 178: Wall Grimm’s Entourage http://wp.me/p41c99-M3
next Grimm 180: Secrets, Acceptance, & Rage http://wp.me/p41c99-N2
Hasty is based on herself from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/
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