March 31, 2014
I’ve been thinking of Kathy a lot lately and I know I haven’t written about her in a while. I guess since I had been dreaming about her and experiencing the “visitations” by her and the Shadowy guy way back when, once that all stopped, I didn’t even want to think or write about either of them anymore. I was kind of reluctant because I didn’t want to stir any of that up again. I believe I learned the cause of the Shadowy guy, as if he was some kind of aspect of myself, or maybe even he was me co-existing on another plane of existence. The dimension where I made even worse choices. Or perhaps he was intended to guide me back on a path to get me where I am now. Maybe I strayed from that at the time. Maybe Kathy was haunting me, unintentionally directing me elsewhere because she was a restless spirit, and he was me on the right path trying to get our paths to merge, so I wouldn’t lose that part of me or that me which I was meant to remain.
So now I’m wondering if Kathy stopped coming around in my dreams and visions because I willed her away and because she realized it was a genuine haunting at a certain point. Maybe she’s just no longer restless. I think I want to believe that she’s finally at peace. Maybe she was trying to warn me or protect me. I don’t know when I actually started dreaming of her. Maybe it was after my own suicide attempt. Maybe she was the one who saved me with the hallucinations that brought me out of the hotel room so that the cops could find me. It’s all too unclear. And it essentially doesn’t even matter anymore. I’m in a good place now. But I’ve been thinking of her, ready to mourn a little again. I was diverted from my grief by the hauntings. And lately I’ve wondered if she is with Valentina.
Prior to Kathy’s suicide, there were many times that I also thought about suicide. I think we all do, some of us more than others. I thought of it but in retrospect I never wanted to really kill myself because I thought of my family mostly, and my friends. I figured if I did that, then they would suffer for the rest of their lives in some way. I didn’t want that for them. So basically that was the only reason why I never did. I didn’t kill myself to spare other people from the pain of it. When Kathy committed suicide, it had validated all those ideas. I decided that I never would do that, because I was right, when you kill yourself, you leave all your pain plus some behind for others to suffer.
So when I did try to kill myself it was the strangest thing. I blew my own mind. It was like I wasn’t even myself. I was robotic almost, somehow I was completely missing in the process. After that when I was in an institution, I knew it was a mistake. I knew I was meant to live. It didn’t even matter why. I knew I never would try that ever again. I was completely confident about that. Then Valentina died, and I was sure I had no control over myself. I was afraid the robotic self would take over again. I was feeling both suicidal and homicidal and I didn’t feel safe with myself. But I was in control enough to put myself back in an institution to prevent that from happening.
During the time after Kathy died, I kind of avoided our friends a little. I didn’t want to participate in a group grieving process. I guess in that way I was selfish because I withdrew into myself and separated from them. I have a way about things, which often involves running away altogether. But it’s not so much escaping as it is avoiding other people. I need the solitude. It’s a way to survive. Kind of like a vision quest I guess. Anyway, during that time, I focused more on Emma. Not purposefully, but she just was there for me. She didn’t know Kathy as well. They knew each other, were more like acquaintances, just friendly in passing with no animosity. Emma never hung out with my group of friends.
So Emma went to the wake and the funeral and she sat by me and didn’t say anything, she was just there. It was perfect. Someone that I could escape to, and have solitude around, without disrupting my own personal process. She didn’t expect me to talk about it or openly mourn or anything. She was just a presence in the most perfect way I could have needed a presence. When Valentina died and I put myself away, then I came home to find out that Sweetheart had her cremated and was holding off on services until I returned, I wanted Emma around then too. She came to the services, but I was with Sweetheart. It was different because Sweetheart and I were Valentina’s parents. So we were the people that everyone approached to offer condolences to. It was me, Sweetheart, my parents and my sister, and I wanted Pete with us, because he deserved to be. He was a significant part of Valentina’s life. He lived with us. He was like an uncle and saw her more than anyone else, besides me and Sweetheart. I never interacted with Emma at the services, except for when she gave me a hug. But she didn’t talk to me, because she knows me, I had nothing to say. The more I feel inside, the less I have to say. Her parents had come too. Yet, honestly I only think of their presence there now. Emma’s presence and her parents’ attendance. I didn’t acknowledge it then. Everyone was like a ghost there to me. Just hazy images drifting around in a world I was no longer part of. I was feeling better after the institution, but facing up to the closure through the services was a challenge and I distanced myself in the process. As if I disassociated and stepped out of my body, and my spirit stood back waiting to return to me again.
Anyway, I don’t know why I’m writing about this or where I’m even going with this subject except that I’ve been thinking of Kathy again lately. I never really stopped thinking about her.
Theme song, “All Apologies” by Nirvana. Just because.
previous Grimm 173: “Sharknado” & What Did Great, Great, Great Grandpa Grimm Do? http://wp.me/p41c99-Jo
next Grimm 175: The Smooth Agent Provocateur http://wp.me/p41c99-KA
For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J
For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.