February 7, 2014
Today I want to talk about 4 things:
1. Living with Howard
1. Living with Howard: I like living with Howard. A lot. But there’s a problem arising for me. I can’t come and go at night as I please because then he gets worried, he wants me to call and let him know where I am and when I’m going to be home. Also, it’s kind of stifling my sex life. I feel weird about bringing girls home to this basement room/apartment in someone else’s house. I don’t think Howard would appreciate that. Also, and this has nothing to do with Howard, but since I’m not drinking or drugging anymore, I feel like I have no life apart from school, work, and Blues Monday. I don’t even hang out with half my friends anymore because I just don’t feel right about wanting them to not even have a beer or smoke a bone leisurely. It’s hard for me to be around the shit, especially with my friends. I feel like I could just go to a bar like a normal person and have a beer and hang out, but I can’t. So I guess I’m just getting bored on the verge of stir crazy. I like being here because it’s peaceful, it’s solitude, it’s respite that I need and healthy seclusion. I also help Howard with shit like shoveling and running errands and just doing stuff around the house, which also helps Daisy. But I’m a gypsy, I need to wander, to move to have some kind of energy action. I want to hang out with my friends but I don’t know if I can.
2. Assholes: I’m so sick of people being assholes. Now this is just a generic statement. There are so many fucking assholes in the world sometimes I think they’re planted there just to piss me off. There’s a lot of good people too, but this subject is about the assholes. The worse thing about these people is, not that they’re assholes, but it’s the person they provoke me to become. It’s like a test of my character to stay a nice guy when I encounter them. It’s mature and civilized to smile and walk away and let them feel like the assholes they really are. But they trigger me to be an asshole right back at them. In the bars, that meant punching them in the face. Now that I’m not drinking, it comes out with my saying shit like, “you know what? fuck you,” or simply, “you’re an asshole.” The worse part is when I witness retribution and there’s this sinister side to me that’s gratified. Because I love to see an asshole doing something stupid just so I can think inside my head how stupid they are and know that I’m not stupid because I’d never do the stupid things they do. I love that shit. Just rewards. It’s like their own stupidity carries out my natural need for Sicilian vendetta. But that’s not necessarily a good part of me. So I hate assholes for causing me to be an asshole too.
3. Technology: Because I’ve traveled and met all kinds of people, and for the most part I avoid technology apart from texting and using my phone like–a phone, go figure, I feel privileged to really see people. There’s a certain sociodemographic–I think I made this word up, but I like it–that doesn’t use much technology. They’re sparse and dispersed. But when you find them, you can have conversations. ‘What’s a conversation?’ you might ask, oh wise yet innocent Invisible Journal Reading People. Well, it’s when there’s audible dialogue between two or more human beings as they use words to describe subject matter which interests or upsets them. Simply put, conversation is the ultimate wireless connection. And it’s free. Technology has taken away people’s ability to listen. You try to talk to someone and they’re answering their phone or texting or researching a reference you make. They experience something cool and immediately it’s online and accessible to the entire world for all posterity. I know there is an amazing phenomenon through online connection and it can be a powerful instrument for making positive things happening and all that. I see the value in it and I appreciate it. But that’s the internet, for people far away and out of reach, not people you’re sitting and having lunch with who are actually texting with someone who isn’t even there. Um, yeah thanks. Seriously, people don’t know how to communicate, really listen, or interact on a personal level. We’re all too distracted and self absorbed. I’m like that too sometimes, but it’s not because of technology when it comes to me. When you listen to people, all people, you hear them, and you build your knowledge of the essence of humanity, in all meanings of the word, particularly as both a condition and a tribe.
4: Girls: Ok all that bitching pisses me off. I hate to be negative. So I’m going to talk about girls. Let me just say that I love girls. I like short girls, tall girls, and girls of average height. I like thin, average, and girls who are overweight. I like blondes, brunettes, redheads. I like girls my age up, even much older. I like the maturity of older women, and the way the girls my age flirt. When a girl, or maybe I should just say women from this point on, when a woman is attracted to me, I love that. Because I sense it, so it hits me like a magnet and there’s this powerful pheromone phenomenon. I know I used the word phenomenon earlier, but I had to use it here too because that just sounds too fucking awesome: Pheromone Phenomenon. I love that. Anyway, this pheromone phenomenon is like this magnetic energy creating mutual horniness. And you walk away from it like you just had a mental orgasm. I just love all women. They’re all freakin’ beautiful when they smile. I love to see a woman smile. Now I’ll close with a story about a smiling young woman:
Thursday after statistics gets out at 9:15, I have the whole day until 2:00 before my next class. So sometimes I just kind of hang around the campus, do whatever. Thursday, I was outside the building smoking a cigarette and reading one of my text books when a smiling young woman approached me. Her name is Cassidy. First she asked about an assignment. Next she asked, and this dumfounded me, “are you the kilted cowboy gunslinger?” And of course, if she’d seen that video, she’d recognize me because of my Eastwood and Stepping Wolves, I guess, I hope. I was like, “you saw that?” She responded, “everyone’s seen that, and we all think it’s you.” “ummm, yeah, that’s me.” Then she got all shy and giggly and blushing and of course that turned me on. Then she asked if I wanted to go get a coffee, so I said yeah, and we talked. Well she talked mostly. She talked a lot, said she was nervous like I was a celebrity. I said, “I should be the one who’s nervous since you’ve seen…” I was thinking ‘my special purpose’ but I didn’t know if she’d get the Steve Martin reference, so I said, “…my…ummm….” and gestured. She said, “you shouldn’t feel nervous about that, you should feel proud.” Then she laughed and covered her red face and though it kind of embarrassed me, it’s nice to be flattered like that. So anyway, now tonight I’m going to her place to hang out. I told her I don’t drink, so we’ll see what happens.
I guess that’s it for now. My theme song for this journal entry is “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes because I just heard that song on the radio and I love that fucking song.
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