January 20, 2014
First week of school went great. A lot of cute girls, but many of them are too young. That sucks when I think 18 year olds are too young for me, says something about my age. They just act young too, but they can be really flirty. Most of them are just getting out into the world on their own, especially those who are staying in the dorms and/or are from out of town or state. I already got invited to a party but I declined. I’m like the boring old guy, in a way. 24 years old and I’m the boring old guy. They just don’t know the shit I’ve been through, not that it’s so much in comparison with other people who’ve had it worse, but it just makes me feel detached from many people. The thing is, I’m aware of my shit, and I value it, because there’s a lot worse out there, so I’m grateful for my own life. The grass is not always greener on the other side. And I’m glad I wasn’t raised in wealth, because I think it’s hard to appreciate the little things when you’re rich, and it’s also too easy to pass judgment on others who don’t share that kind of wealthy existence. I’m glad I not only appreciate my life, but I value my experience and the person I’ve become and am becoming as a result of it. Which is basically a boring old guy, I guess.
Saturday I went to visit Bogart. Again he was so excited to see me he assaulted me. My eye is kind of yellow and purple now from last week. This Saturday, he pushed me up against the wall and held me there by the throat. He said, “ya bloody git, ya wanker, me Constable!” He gave me a slobber kiss on the forehead and punched me in the stomach, then hugged me while I got my breath. This is how he shows affection, which I’ve only seen him do to me, other guys piss him off so the violence is true, hostile aggression. With women, it’s all about sex. He still hasn’t been able to fuck Kendall Goth Girl, but she shows him her tits while he jerks off. Sadie has jerked him off. He says he tried to avoid that, but he couldn’t help it. Yet he was very proud of himself that more didn’t happen. He says it’s great because she says his dick is so big and beautiful and she loves it, and talks like that while she’s jerking him off. I’d say that was awesome, if she wasn’t cognitively impaired. So he’s impressed with himself for not fucking her, and I’m impressed with myself for not kicking his ass every time he attacks me just from being glad to see me. We’re quite the comrades.
Kristin hates him and every time he goes near her, she screams at the top of her lungs, “get away from me! get away from me! get away from me!” Over and over again. He laughs and asks why, and it takes him a while to go away. The staff never responds quickly to altercations.
Otherwise, I’d say maybe he’s gotten better from the treatment, only because he says he doesn’t hear voices anymore. He says he’s calmed down a little too, but I don’t notice it because he’s glad to see me so he gets all energetic and manic. I asked if he knew when he’d be getting out, he said he had no idea, his mother’s keeping him in. She hasn’t gone back to see him for two weeks. He says he’s getting stir crazy and wants out. At this time, I couldn’t have him live with me anyway because after I left there, I went and moved in with Howard. Bogart would not be a good fit with Howard. I think Howard would be good for him, and Howard might even tolerate him, but Howard is set in his ways and wouldn’t like his domain disturbed. I know this because I had a problem with Howard, myself.
Saturday after I moved in, we decided to watch the first season of “Boardwalk Empire” since he has it on DVD. The show is amazing. At one point I was commenting about the character Mickey Doyle and the actor who plays him. I was like, “holy shit! That fucking guy looks just like Tre Cool. You know from Green Day? That’s fucking Tre Cool!”
Howard told me not to use that kind of language in the house. I was like, “come on, seriously? I know you talk like that.”
He said, “maybe, but not in my own home where my wife lives. It’s disrespectful.”
So I said ok, sorry. Then he asked me if I talked that way around Emma. I wasn’t sure since I never see her much anymore, but I said probably. He said that the kind of lady I should pursue should be the kind I’d want to treat like a lady, and that kind of lady I need to watch my mouth around. I guessed that’s the kind of lady Emma is. Then he told me that I’m 24 now and need to grow up because I’m a man, I need to start behaving like one, and he commented on how I was slouched down in the chair looking like a slob, like a teenager. wtf.
I stood up and said, “fuck you Howard. This is your house but you invited me to live here, so I live here, which makes it my home, and I was comfortable. So fuck you. I don’t want to be scrutinized and insulted in my home.” Then as I was heading to the door, I said, “You know, I think bad enough about myself without you fucking putting me down, I don’t fucking need that shit. We’re just sitting here watching a fucking tv show for fuck’s sake and you’re giving me shit. Well fuck you.” Then I walked out with my cigarettes, but forgot my coat because I didn’t know where it was, and I even left my cell phone behind. But it was snowing a heavy, thick snow. It looked awesome anyway as the snow piled in the trees making them all white. It wasn’t that cold, but it was after a while without my coat. Yet I walked away from that house, feeling like the juvenile Howard saw me as. I guess I didn’t prove him wrong. I walked and walked and got lost, since I never been out this way before, and the dark and the snow disoriented me. Howard found me eventually. He pulled up next to me a couple hours later in a tow truck that his buddy was driving. I got in only because I was freezing and we didn’t say a word to each other, but I was embarrassed and felt stupid.
Yesterday he told me that I was right, which I know took him a lot to admit. He said I could have proven my point better, of course he had to throw that comment in there. But he said though I could have proven it better, I was right. It was none of his business how I conduct myself, and why would I want to take advice from an old man. He told me that he was a young man not so different from me, and some things he had to learn the hard way, he was trying to prevent me from going through that. But he doesn’t understand that I’m already on that path, and I’m better than I was. I agree though, I could have handled it better. I didn’t handle it like a man at all. I think a man would have commented back without the colorful language, and confronted it in a dignified way. Or maybe even walk away and prove him wrong. That’s the retrospect. Unfortunately there is no retrospect until after the fact. I just have to not be so impulsive, and have some forethought, or just be present, and keep my mouth shut until I know the best thing to say. At least I’m not as impulsive as Bogart though.
Anyway, it’s resolved. Blues Monday today. Today the band will help me write the music for the song I wrote for Emma, so that’s cool. My theme song today is “Dance Me to the End of Love” by Leonard Cohen, because he’s fucking awesome and writes good lyrics, so I want my song for Emma to be kinda like his stuff.
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