January 16, 2014
It was great to go back to Blues Monday. That helped a lot and the guys were real supportive. At one point I was outside having a butt and Howard joined me, though he doesn’t smoke. He said, “I bet it’s hard to be where you’re at, surrounded by too many memories, so if you need a place to stay, you got a place to stay with me and Daisy. Right now, or sometime. Anytime. As long as you need. No rent, nothing.” I said thanks, I’d think about it. Then he added, “I know we’re old and you’d probably rather be with your young friends, but you’d eat well, have peace and quiet. We have a spare room. And if it helps your decision, you’d be doing us a favor. You could help around the house doing things we have a hard time with these days.” He said this last bit with the pride of a guy who has never needed anyone in his life, the swallowed pride.
To me that sounded ideal because if there’s a way I can live rent free with none of those kinds of expenses, that would help me a lot. Plus, if he needs my help, I can do it in a way that he doesn’t have to swallow any more pride or suffer any indignities, based solely on his age and the fact that he physically can’t accommodate the internal status of himself as a man. I said, “Well I like the sound of that. I just need to check with Pete to see if he can manage without my contributions. He has, I just don’t know how much he struggles without it because he doesn’t complain.”
So that was Monday. I talked to Pete yesterday and he said he’d do all right. I made sure he was being honest about that. I think I need a change of scene. I was thinking about it anyway and the only options I could come up with, which wouldn’t cost me too much money, were living with my parents or moving back in with Paula. I’m not going to live with my parents because then they’d be hyper vigilant about my activities and moods, whatever. Moving back in with Paula would mean I’d go back to being her kept boy. I’m going to call Howard today and take him up on his offer. Maybe I can move in on Saturday after I visit Bogart. It will be pretty awesome living with Howard I think.
I never showed him my lyrics to the song I wrote for Emma, but if I live with him, maybe we will have time to work on the music for it together.
Anyway, that was Monday. Tuesday I had my first day of school and had all my classes in one day. There’s a level of organization I’m going to need that hasn’t been utilized in long time, but I think it’s going to be a good semester. Emma is my motivator. I think she’s not interested in me because I am symbolic of this place she wants to leave. I’m her past and she doesn’t see me as her future. She wants to start a new life somewhere and she doesn’t see me fitting into that. So I need to show her that I’m starting new too, and I have ambitions and the ability to follow through with making them happen. Plus, I’m a gypsy so I can just pick up and go wherever she wants, whenever she wants. That’s another thing about moving in with Howard, I’ll be able to save money to maybe make a life with Emma somehow. Yeah, I’m dreaming, but I have to be ready for anything.
Also on Tuesday, I ended it completely with Iona. I wish I could just have sexual relationships with girls without love getting involved. Paula fell in love with me as did Iona. I wish we could just be friends and have sex and that’s it. But even if girls start that way, they end up getting emotionally attached and become possessive. Iona is different though. She’s not possessive, or she doesn’t act on it. She’s been good about our not having a committed relationship, and she even understood when I wanted to end anything romantic we have left. We said we’d stay friends. I hope we do because she’s a cool person. I just feel like I definitely want to start new and fresh in many ways.
Wednesday, after my first day of school, I already had a day off. No classes. I worked most of the day and it was good to be back at work and see Sharly again. She also offered me to stay at her place, but I think it might be quieter at Howard’s and it’s completely new for me.
When I was working yesterday, this little girl and her mother came in to look around. They asked me if we had books on fairies. So I showed them where the books were. Later when they came to pay for stuff, that little girl was so freakin’ adorable and polite and sweet, I grabbed one of the mini books we have on a rack by the counter, one about fairies, and I gave it to her. I said she could have it for free because she’s so polite. I think she’s about five years old. She was all happy and then her mother gave me this look like she just fell in love with me and then I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. She was thanking me and as they left she said they’d definitely be back. Later, I took another one of those little fairy books and I went back to see Sharly. I told her I gave one to a little girl and so I was going to make a slip with the ISBN # and she could take it out of my pay check. She said to make the slip but don’t worry about the money this time.
When I do things like that, I realize that I like to make people happy. When I’m going through my own shit and all self absorbed and shit, it’s hard to think of anyone else. So I think I’d like to just fucking move on from so much of the shit that’s been going on the past couple years and focus on other people for a change. When I move in with Howard, I’m going to help them out as much as they need and more.
Then maybe, eventually, I can help Bogart when he gets out, not sure when that will be. But I don’t think I really want to subject Howard to Bogart. Maybe Bogart can live with my parents. Ok, that just made me laugh.
All right, today’s theme song is “Instant Karma” by John Lennon, since I dreamed about him the other day, meaning a transitional time in my life, and because this song makes a lot of sense.
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