January 10, 2014
I can’t bring myself to wear the necklace Sweetheart gave me with Valentina’s ashes in it. It seems wrong to me. I feel like I want all of her ashes to be together. And I don’t want to spread them anywhere, I want them buried at a plot so I can go to her grave. I wish she hadn’t been cremated. But that’s all my fault since I escaped all that decision making. I dealt with my grief in a different way, by not dealing with it at all. At least Sweetheart was doing what she had to do and took some action in the process, so I won’t say anything to her about it. I probably will wear the necklace sometime, when I’m ready. We’re going to have services for her on Sunday. First we’re going to have a private Shaman/Gypsy/Hippy/Pagan/Vagabond kind of thing. Then we’re going to a church. Then we’re going to have a reception. Being Sicilian, I’m used to having a wake, but she’s been cremated, so it’s weird to not have that. Unfortunately for me, I need to see the body in a casket in order to accept the death. If I don’t have that, it’s difficult for me to know the reality of it, and it takes me longer to grieve because a part of me denies the death ever happened. My parents and Pete are helping me and Sweetheart make the arrangements. I honestly don’t feel equipped at this time to pull it off, but I’m sucking it up and doing it because I don’t want to be so weak. I also forgot to cover all the mirrors. My family covers all the mirrors after a death because the deceased person’s soul can be captured in the mirror when a loved one looks in it. But that hasn’t happened, I just know these things.
Anyway, onto less depressing things. Tomorrow I’m going to see Bogart and I’m bringing him a carton of cigarettes. I’m also going to Blues Monday, which is great because I definitely need that. Yesterday, I registered for my classes and I bought my books and supplies. I already completed a lot of my requirements and electives, so I just get to focus mostly on my Psychology major. I scheduled my classes to avoid Mondays, and I’m only taking 4 classes to start since it’s been a while that I’ve been to school and I don’t expect too much from myself at this time. The cool thing is, I have Wednesdays off too. This is my schedule:
Intro to Cognitive Neuroscience – Tues/Thurs 2-3:15
General Psych – Tues/Fri 11-12:15
Abnormal Psych – Tues/Fri 9:30-10:45
Applied Statistics – Tues/Thurs 8-915
That gives me time to work as well, but I don’t know how much yet. I haven’t been working so I haven’t made money, and I haven’t paid rent. Sweetheart’s not financially contributing for that matter either. I got a loan for school, but once I turn 25 in August, I’ll qualify for a grant so I can go for free, which is good. So it’s just this semester. I start on the 14th and until February, I’m going to work long days on Wednesdays, and go to work from School on Fridays. In February I may increase my hours. I definitely need to give Pete money. He’s not asking for any, but I should, even to cover for Sweetheart, but I don’t make that much, so we’ll see.
Ok this journal entry is fucking boring. Life and reality and boring shit. I went from depressing things to boring things. That’s me lately. My name is Wall Grimm and I’m depressing and boring. And the world is very quiet without Bogart around.
I feel old. I never felt old before. But going to the college yesterday to take care of this shit…damn. A bunch of fucking 18 year olds all over the place and I realize I’m freakin’ six years older than these other students. wtf. When did that happen? I guess I should plan to grow up soon or something. And for some reason that comment just made me horny. I’m feeling horny for the first time since Valentina died. Ok now I’m not horny anymore. When I had relatives that died, I used to feel weird jerking off after for a while because I thought they could see me. But it’s hard to go more than a day without jerking off. I did go without for this month or however long it’s been. Very strange for me. I even saw Iona on Wednesday and couldn’t do it. I didn’t try so it wasn’t like I was impotent or anything, just my libido. Like I said before, maybe the medication had something to do with it. But I stopped taking the medication the day I got out of the institution and it takes a while to get out of the system. Now I’m horny again, just jumping in and out of horniness. I think I’ll call Iona and go to her place, so when the horniness jumps in, I can jump on Iona.
I think I’ll end with a Gary Oldmanism.
My name is Wall Grimm and here is a Gary Oldmanism:
WALL GRIMM’S LONG OVERDUE GARY OLDMANISM
Gary Oldman said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” Or so the internet claims he said it. I like this quote and I’m going to draw on its powers. These past couple of years I’ve gotten harder and harder on myself, and I’ve figured people just see me as a loser and irresponsible and unreliable and etc. etc. etc. Maybe they don’t. Maybe that’s just how I see myself. I didn’t always see myself that way, only these past couple of years. And even if others see me that way, it doesn’t fucking matter. Fuck them. Fuck them all. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of. I’ve just been in a rut. But I’m coming back. And I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Except maybe for Emma, but that’s a whole different story.
Anyway, it’s none of my business what people think of me because it should have no bearing on how I see myself or how I think or behave. I am the ruler of me and I don’t need to apologize when my mistakes only affect me. If I hurt other people, then I should apologize. But otherwise, I just have to live my life to the best of my abilities, get out of this rut, and be who I am, true to me, without hurting anyone in the process. And for that matter, it’s none of my business what I think of me either. Who cares what I think. I have no say in it. I can be a real asshole at times. I have to learn to ignore myself in that sense.
Thanks Gary Oldman for more words to live by.
The theme song for this journal entry is “I Wanna Be Your Dog” the Gary Oldman version of Sid Vicious, because I was just talking about Gary Oldman, and I want to be Emma’s dog.
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