December 23, 2103
A few things about some of the patients:
1. There’s the guy who tries to be sneaky and jerk off by me and also attempts to grope me. Well we were all up getting our lunch one day and I was in front of him, Bogart was beside me, and the guy reached around and grabbed my dick. I turned around and shoved him and said “don’t ever fucking touch me again.” Bogart grabbed the guy by the throat and pushed him up against the wall. I had to tell him to stop, I could have easily punched the guy or something, but he’s like 70, I can’t do that. Bogart let him go and he ran off and we didn’t see him for the rest of the day.
2. Sadie still asks to see my dick. But yesterday, again I said no, but Bogart finally said, “oi, ya can see mine if ya wan’.” She said ok, so he held open his pajama pants and she looks down and says, “oooh it’s big.” He was real happy about that. She asked if she could touch it and he said yeah, but I had to intervene because that’s not right. He called me a wanker and laughed.
3. There’s this guy who reminds me of Christopher Lloyd in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. Looks like him, talks like him. I asked him if he’s ever heard that before and he said no but he’s been called Reverend Jim. He’s always trying to trade stuff for cigarettes. Either so he can get cigarettes or to give someone else cigarettes. I think he takes the cigarettes for himself in order to use as a trading tool for other people, since I’ve never seen him smoke. It’s like he thinks he’s in prison or something, but the problem is, no one really has stuff to trade here besides stupid or personal things. He showed me a collection of things he’s got in his room like underwear, socks, chap stick, books, photographs, stuffed animals. Nothing is of use to him. Trading seems to be just his hobby.
Now onto Bogart. Bogart got the treatment Friday and he got it again this morning. The only difference I notice is that it seems to be making him angry and feel defeated. He wants to spend more time in our room because he’s embarrassed about the treatments. I try to tell him that nobody knows or cares what’s going on, but he’s convinced they think he’s a “nutter”. Yeah, he’s worried that crazy people think he’s crazy. There’s no explaining to him the lack of sense in that.
He seemed so confident when I first met him. Confident and happy, but manic. Now this place is breaking him down. He only reveals this insecure, fragile part of himself to me. He’s not very self aware in general, but he’s self aware enough to put on a façade for the other people. I did get him out of the room today and we hung out in the common room after he rested from his procedure, so that’s good.
His mother came on Saturday to visit and told him she researched Dr. Robert Keitel from Greenfield Psychiatric, Experimental Unit and figured out that the guy was a fraud. She had no idea who could have known so much about Bogart or his case, but she never thought for a minute that one of the patients could possibly be involved. After determining his lack of existence, she never made the phone call to stop the treatments. I’m still thinking that I made an impressive attempt though and luckily Bogart agrees.
Anyway, whatever happens, I just want Bogart to be ok. I wish I could believe that he will be able to live a normal life and function like a normal person–even though I know “normal” is not an appropriate way to express it, it’s what people understand–but the truth is I don’t think he will. Whatever. I’m going to try and ignore that pessimism and just hope that maybe the electroconvulsive therapy will be effective for him after all.
Regarding Kristin, she designed me this chart and didn’t explain it, but was certain I’d understand it’s purpose.
Then she gave me this scrap from one of her notebooks with some of her own rejected words. She thinks the words that she decides she doesn’t like, will prove useful for me.
Lastly, she gave Bogart this drawing she did of him, but again, he didn’t like it and passed it on to me. It kind of looks like him, but it’s dark and kind of freaky so I understand why he doesn’t like it. He has a more amiable presence and appearance for the most part.
And, on a positive note, this cute goth girl arrived not too long ago. She was being shown the common room and Bogart and I looked at each other, then we started laughing because we recognized that we had the same exact look in our eyes. I haven’t laughed since we kicked each other’s asses. I also haven’t thought about sex in a while, but that girl set something off. My dick woke up as if from a long sleep and was like, “huh?? what?? what’s going on??” Anyway, her name is Kendall.
So now it’s a matter of whether or not sex is possible here, and if it is, which one of us she’ll want to fuck. With Bogart around, I admit I’ve got some competition. But now that I’m thinking about it, I think I’ll let Bogart have her for two reasons. My name is Wall Grimm and these are the reasons why Bogart can have the goth girl.
WALL GRIMM’S REASONS FOR LETTING BOGART HAVE GOTH GIRL
1. I will be getting out of here sooner than him, if he’s ever able to get out. I’ll have plenty of options when I get out.
2. I definitely don’t want him to decide that he does want me to bend over because if he doesn’t get laid soon…well, he needs sex, that’s obvious to me. ‘Nuff said.
The theme song for this journal entry is “Paranoid” by Garbage because the cute goth girl looks exactly like Shirley Manson.
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