December 17, 2013
The craziness here is beginning to drive me crazy. It’s less about keeping to myself, and more about adjusting to the psychoses of the other people. You have to figure out their habits and tendencies. You need to know what sets them off and whether or not it’s dangerous to set them off. I’m not afraid, nobody really bothers with me. If I did have to face that violence, I still wouldn’t be afraid. Instead I’d fight to the death if I had to. Strange thing is, I haven’t felt violent myself. I’m typically prone to agitation and violence, but these days I don’t seem to have the energy for that. Partly it’s due to the intensity of my depression about Valentina. I’m not motivated to express myself with words or actions. I just have become a kind of ghost. Another part is that my focus is consumed by my novel that I started. I’m kind of walking around with the story and scenarios circulating in my mind. It’s a good thing, but it’s keeping me separate from everyone else in many ways. That is still a good thing.
The last part of it pertains to Bogart. He’s an agitation for many of the people because of his incessant talking and overwhelming energy. He sets people off often. I feel compelled to monitor the other people on behalf of him, because he’s blind to their cues. I wait until I see them getting to that level of an outburst or an attack, then I distract him, which helps to avoid those confrontations most times. Other times I’m too late and there’s either a verbal or a physical altercation. If it’s verbal, he just laughs and walks away, or he says he will kill them and threatens until they back off. It’s the only time he speaks slowly with true intent, and everyone takes that seriously. If it’s physical, he’s always the more dangerous one. I tend to break it up sooner than the staff. I distract him to stop it. He’s easily diverted onto other things. Then he laughs and walks away from it, almost grateful for the opportunity to fight. It’s strange that I’m not the one wanting to fight. It’s even stranger that I’m breaking the fights up.
I remember when he first came in, all the women loved him and all the men wanted to be his best friend. The women still love him, even those he agitates at times. The men still want to be his best friend, except for a few now, who want him gone.
I know my journal has been focusing a lot on him, but he’s kind of my life at this time. I’m here all day long every day with these people, eating, sleeping, shitting, showering, smoking, going to group, and a therapist comes and talks to me once per week. But he still follows me around and never stops talking. For some strange reason, he hasn’t driven me nuts yet. I get a sense that he’s doomed, and nobody else but me notices, and nobody else but me cares.
One thing I hate is how the staff treats everyone like children. Like stupid, inconvenient children. I get a lot of that baby talk from the staff. That melodic up and down articulation like when you’re speaking to toddlers. “Now Grimm, I know you’d rather be sleeping, but you really need to go to group, ok?” I think they wonder when I myself am going to explode, and because I’ve been so internal, it will likely be the most volatile explosion of them all.
I’m not ready to leave here though. I don’t feel it yet. I know it will be obvious when I’m ready to go. If I leave now, I won’t feel any different than when I came in. Here I have distractions, but nothing has changed for me emotionally or psychologically. Basically I feel that if I go home, if I don’t leave the apartment, I will kill myself, might even catch myself off guard. I used to feel that I would kill someone else if I left the apartment. It wouldn’t be purposeful, but I’d probably just beat the hell out of some random guy, and not stop, until I beat him to death. I guess that’s changed kind of. As I said I don’t feel that violence inside of me, not here. But maybe out in the world and dealing with all my family and friends and responsibilities, the stress and trying to conceal what would be going on with me would eventually build up again. I have to be ready to be a real person. Right now, I’m Temporary Grimm. I feel like Jackie Paper from “Puff the Magic Dragon”. But I’m not the only one who might end up being Jackie Paper. For me it’s temporary. For Bogart, it could be permanent.
Bogart was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. He claims it’s the wrong diagnosis. But he also says that he often talks more in order to avoid hearing the voices. Excessive talking has become his personalized defense mechanism. It also antagonizes his mania. Apparently they’ve tried multiple medications throughout his life. He was recently on a new med that seemed to be working, but then he got worse, as he says. He alluded to a specific event that made his mother commit him, but I got no details about that. So now, they talked with his mother about electroshock treatment and she agreed. He doesn’t want it, but he has no choice, because she’s his guardian, so basically he has no rights. They’re going to start the treatments this week, I think it will be three times per week. He found this out yesterday. He’s been frantic, manic, and hostile all day. He’s never hostile to me. I think I’m the only person he trusts and I don’t know why. He’s trusted me and followed me around like a lost puppy ever since he arrived here. I guess the voices like me or something. As for me, I realized that unfortunately sometimes it takes being around someone more fucked up than yourself, to realize you’re kind of ok after all.
After supper last night, I was taking a shower and he stormed in the bathroom, pulled open the curtain, and burst into tears, shouting and panicking. He was begging me to help him. He didn’t want the treatments. Then he sat on the floor against the wall, holding his knees up to his chest, and whimpered that he was afraid. I feel so bad for him but I don’t think there’s anything I can do. That’s when he said he trusts me. He said he knows I’ll try, and it won’t be my fault if it doesn’t work. He said he knows I’m good even though I write so much. He said he’s been good because he hasn’t forced me to show him what I’m writing, normally he wouldn’t trust that. But he called me a poet, he thinks it’s all just a bunch of poetry.
Poetry by Temporary Grimm Paper. I’m Grimm Paper, and Bogart is Puff the Manic Dragon. I told him that and it confused him because he’d never seen the cartoon. Once I explained the story, he thought that was hysterical, laughed for about 20 minutes. He said I am definitely Grimm Paper and he is no doubt a manic dragon, but he’s certainly no puff.
Theme song for this journal entry is obviously “Puff the Magic Dragon” by Peter Paul and Mary.
previous Grimm 144: Bogart, Kristin, & Grimm’s Novel http://wp.me/p41c99-ml
next Grimm 146: Wall Grimm aka Dr. Robert Keitel of Greenfield Psychiatric, Experimental Unit http://wp.me/p41c99-nz
For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J
For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.