December 15, 2013
This guy came in on Wednesday and it’s great having him around because he never fucking shuts up, so he takes a lot of the focus off of me. People were always like, “why are you so quiet” or “you gotta communicate” and that was annoying because I kind of wanted to just keep to myself as much as possible. The strange thing is that people who don’t shut up tend to piss me off, but not this guy.
My name is Wall Grimm and these are the reasons why the talkative guy doesn’t piss me off:
WALL GRIMM’S TOLERANCE FOR THE CHATTY GUY
1. He’s Cockney, which makes listening to him kind of cool. Now I’m serious when I say this guy never shuts up. But every now and then it’s so quiet that the silence is almost a sound, because we’re not used to hearing the silence. Then we get all disoriented and we look and he’s fallen asleep. He’ll just go on and on blah blah blah blah fucking blah, and then out of no where, he stops and falls asleep. He exhausts himself from talking. The thing about his being Cockney is that 1/3 of the shit he says is interesting. 1/3 nobody can understand what the fuck he’s saying. 1/3 you kind of space out on, but his accent makes it kind of cool just hearing him talk.
2. He’s a charming psychopath. He’s charming, the women are in love with him and the guys want to be his best friend. I say he’s a psychopath only because he’s fucking nuts, or at least manic, but entertaining.
3. He’s therapeutic. The guy makes me laugh internally, which is pretty impressive considering the state I was in that brought me here.
So yeah, I know a lot about this guy because all he does is talk. I know more about him than I know about some people I’ve known my whole life. I was the fortunate one who got this guy as my roommate. Now I don’t know if they arranged that purposely. Maybe they thought he’d aggravate the hell out of me. Maybe they knew he’d kind of cheer me up in a way. It’s just a weird thing that they put him in my room, considering I never say a word, and he’s only quiet when he’s asleep, and even then he sometimes talks in his sleep, usually swearing profusely. He talks when he’s eating, food flying out of his face and nearly choking now and then. If I’m in the room when he showers, he keeps the bathroom door open and keeps talking even though I don’t understand a word he’s saying over the running water.
My question is, if he’s alone and no one’s there to hear him, does he continue to talk?
Anyway, when he first arrived, and came in the room, I was shaving my head, not bald but cutting it set at 5 which was enough to get the blue out, and shaving my face at a 1, which isn’t the smoothest shave, but we’re not allowed razors. He came in the room tossed his bag on the second bed and a nurse introduced us. The first thing he said was, “bloody ‘ell! why ya cu’in’ out ya ‘air?! like da blue, I go’a make a bloody jumper ou’a ‘at!” Not sure if I’m spelling the accent in right, but it was baffling to me that I understood him. Then he just started talking and never stopped. The nurse sidled out of the room.
He told me about Cockney rhyming slang and how he and his “china” as in china plates meaning mates, created their own rendition of it to give each other nicknames. He has two nicknames, one for his first name, the other for his surname. He goes by Bogart. He described the two names. His real name is Neil Kent. For Neil, they rhymed it with liquor and ale, then just shortened it to Lick. So yeah, one of his nicknames is Lick. Then he told me how they got Bogart out of Kent. Kent rhymed with buggered and bent, then they took celebrity names that were similar to the first word. So buggered became Bogart. With my name, first he asked if I named myself after the “tele” program. Noooooo, did that long before that show existed. Then he asked if it was short for Wallace and Gromit, which was a new one to me. Wall Grimm, makes sense, but no. Then he called me a wanker and said he was joking obviously it’s the Brothers Grimm. Yep. Then he gave me a nickname. Grimm rhymed with proper and prim, proper rhymed with copper, then changed to constable. So he calls me Constable. He said it’s just a variation of the real slang. I don’t know why he didn’t call me Hopper as in Dennis Hopper, since that is similar to copper. But he was enthusiastic about the constable association and it’s a pretty cool nickname so I’m not complaining.
He likes my Eastwood and my Stepping Wolves, wanted to borrow them but I just shook my head. His response was a Cocknified version of a French accent, “Curse you Grimm, you are too clever for us naughty people.” Which didn’t make any sense in the context, so I think he was waiting a while to make that reference. He doesn’t always make sense anyway. I said, “Monty Python.” He was boisterously excited that I got the reference and he laughed. He has a loud laugh like he’s the happiest guy in the world. I haven’t yet gotten around to asking him why he’s in an institution, he seems happy. It’s one thing he hasn’t even brought up himself. But after this interchange with the Monty Python, he got quiet and just stared at me with a sketchy kind of look in his eye. Then he said he would bet that he could kick my ass. I said I doubted it. Then he said we should “‘ave a go” at it. I agreed.
Then we stood up and started to fight, just punching each other, a genuine fight, I don’t think he was holding back so neither was I. I think he was trying to kill me, but it seemed in the end to be a fair match, neither of us was really winning. It seemed a while before staff finally broke it up. But one guy had me restrained. Another guy restrained Bogart. Bogart was telling them it’s no big deal we were done we were just “‘avin’ a laugh.” Then the cognitively impaired girl whose name I learned was Sadie and is still in love with me, went up to Bogart while he was restrained by the staff guy and kneed him in the balls. Then I started laughing. It was the first time I laughed in a long time. I laughed aloud and I couldn’t stop laughing. Bogart was calling the staff guy a bugger telling him to let him go so he can drop down into fetal position since he was in a lot of pain. But he was laughing while he was grimacing, calling me a wanker, a git, a bugger, and a cunt for laughing, but he thought it was funny too.
They let us go, I sat down because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t stand, and Bogart was on the floor gripping his “bollocks” but still laughing and still calling me a cunt.
I haven’t done a theme song for a while because I haven’t been myself. But now I’m feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. So my theme song for this journal entry is “Anarchy in the UK” by the Sex Pistols, dedicated to Bogart.
previous Grimm 142: The Institution, Limbo Between Life and Death, & Looking Stupid http://wp.me/p41c99-m2
next Grimm 144: Bogart, Kristin, & Grimm’s Novel http://wp.me/p41c99-ml
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