October 16, 2013
This is a series of events regarding Blues Monday:
1. Found out that Howard teaches guitar in the mornings, which is why he gets picked up by Jimmy who also lives in the area. The house belongs to Mean Joe. Daisy was picked up and brought there earlier by one of the wives, not sure which.
2. I showed Howard my untitled blues song that I wrote way back. He laughed because it uses wrecking ball as a metaphor. I was like, why are you laughing. He said because of the Miley Cyrus song. Shit, wtf. I wrote that long before Miley Cyrus had that song, it was over a year ago, wtf. But they sang it anyway and it was awesome. It was really cool to hear my lyrics put into a song. Maybe I’ll change the wrecking ball part to something else. wtf is Howard doing recognizing that shit and I didn’t even realize it myself. MileyfuckingCyrus. wtf.
3. Howard’s granddaughter, Edie, came by today. Yeah, his granddaughter. I didn’t even know he had kids. But anyway, she’s about my age, and she sings like Janis Joplin. And I think I’m in love. That’s inconvenient.
4. I wasn’t going to sing “Mannish Boy” like I wanted to because I was kind of too shy to sing in front of Edie. But they made me do it. At first I felt weird, but then I didn’t look at her, kind of closed my eyes and did it… “I’m a man….” yeah. I think she liked it though. Howard’s granddaughter, wtf. Is that pushing boundaries?
5. Last thing was, I was able to have a talk with Howard about Sweetheart and the baby. He told me that he knows the world is different today from the way he was raised, even though he was around my age during the hippie revolution, he’d already been married with a baby on the way then. He said I should marry Sweetheart, by all the decencies of manhood. I guess not marrying her is selfish because there are things I want, and things I want to accomplish, and being married doesn’t fit into any of that. He said, it doesn’t mean I’m less of a man if I don’t, but it’s the decent thing to do. The world is different though. And I personally think that if there’s any discontentment in a marriage going in, then that does nothing for the child later.
Anyway, back to the beginning. I had the weekend on my mind when I met him at the place where he gets picked up. He knew there was shit going on with me. He said, “what’s going on with you son?” I said, “nothing.” But then he was just looking at me, seeing through me. I was like, “wtf Howard, quit fucking looking at me.” He said, “Don’t talk to me with that punk mouth of yours. Have some respect.” He made me feel like I was 12. I just lit a cigarette and walked a few feet away.
That’s why later we talked. He knew something was up. I didn’t say much, only that I got this girl pregnant way back when and I offered to be an involved dad, but she took off on me. I had no way of finding her and I kind of never expected to see her again. Then she came back, with the baby, and…I just wasn’t prepared. I didn’t tell him about my drinking and drugging, or that I relapsed over the weekend. He told me that I was doing a good thing by letting her stay with me and that I was being active. But one thing I did say was that it was kind of hard to really feel like a dad if I never got any time alone with the little spy. Sweetheart breastfeeds, so I can never feed her, or be alone with her, since she feeds all the time, and Sweetheart carries her supply. He suggested having Sweetheart “express” her milk. New term for me. But then she can put it in bottles and I can be with her while Sweetheart has a break, which she probably needs. I guessed that Sweetheart probably was aware of this option, she had to be, I mean it seems she knows everything. But I wondered if she just didn’t trust me enough to leave the baby alone with me. That’s kind of the feeling I was getting after this conversation. So that pisses me off that she might have that little confidence in me. And it fucking hurts. Do people see me as that much of a loser that I can’t be trusted alone with a baby? I don’t even smoke near her and I wouldn’t. I’d take good care of her.
Anyway, now it’s Wednesday and I haven’t done anything about it yet, just thinking. It’s been hard maintaining a sexual relationship with Iona too because I’ve been on the couch while Sweetheart and Little Sweetheart are in my room, so sex has to happen discretely. And I don’t like to stay over at Iona’s because I like to get up in the night and help Sweetheart when the baby wakes. I can change diapers at least.
So I think today I’ll talk to Sweetheart about “expressing” her milk. And maybe we’ll discuss marriage. I just want to do the right thing. I don’t want to be a coward. I want to be responsible and not self centered. The most important thing is the baby, so that’s what I have to focus on. I can’t fall into that trap that causes me to use the baby as a way to prove myself. I have to completely forget about me, and do the right thing.
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