“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 125: Responsibilities & Resentments

October 12, 2013

Sweetheart has been staying at my place, sleeping in my room with the baby.  The baby wakes up frequently during the night and it wakes me.  Sometimes I help her by changing the diapers, but the little spy breastfeeds so I can’t help with that.  Watching Sweetheart breastfeed was awkward at first, but it’s actually a beautiful thing, so natural.  She uses cloth diapers so it’s kind of gross to have to clean them.  The little spy’s shit smells like cheddar cheese.

I’m being a good dad though.  Since she uses cloth diapers and is breast fed, it doesn’t cost a lot to care for her right now, but it will get expensive eventually.  It amazes me that this is my baby, and as I’m writing I realize I should probably tell my parents that I’m a dad.  They might like to know that they’re grandparents and would probably like to meet the baby.  Sweetheart still hasn’t told me her intentions, but I’m just going to assume I’m going to help raise this kid.

Morgan, Ayla, and Danika came over last night to see the little spy and they were all oohing and aahing all over her.  They decided they’re going to give Sweetheart a post baby shower.  They said it’s a girl thing and I’m not invited.  Iona’s coming over today after I get out of work.  I think she’s wondering how this Sweetheart situation is going to affect us.  I don’t know, I’m not fucking Sweetheart and in fact I don’t want to.  I’m afraid that if we have sex then it will become too relationship-y and evolve into some kind of commitment with too many expectations.  I hate to sound like an asshole but I’m not ready to be a dad.  I can’t even take care of myself.  I haven’t even gotten my shit together yet.  I mean, I’m trying, I’m working on it, but it’s a struggle.  Every day I struggle not to just give in and get myself a bottle of whiskey.  And with this new responsibility, the temptation is even more.  That makes me feel like a loser, which compels me even more to drink.  I’m not ready for this, but I can’t admit it to anyone.  And I can’t do anything about it.  What the fuck am I supposed to do, tell Sweetheart she needs to leave and I want nothing to do with the baby?  There’s no way I can do that.  It’s my responsibility.

But I am kind of pissed off at her though.  I mean, I offered way back when she first found out she was pregnant.  I was going to give it a try and be a dad and be involved.  But she fucking took off.  Now to just show up out of no where unexpected when I had no time to prepare myself for that, how am I supposed to just up and turn my life around?  I have no choice.  Maybe if she had stayed and I would have been involved during her pregnancy, I’d have had the chance to prepare myself, but this way is just not fair.  Maybe I’m an asshole for feeling this way, but I can’t help it.  And I can’t tell anyone because I can’t imagine they’d understand, they’d just think I was selfish.

People used to come to me all the time when they had problems or they needed to talk or situations in their lives needed fixing.  Then at some point I became this irresponsible drug addict, a self absorbed escapist, and I don’t think anyone will ever see me again as that guy I used to be.  But he’s here inside me and I’m fighting as hard as I can to bring him back.  The other side to me, the reckless, self destructive fool has a strong hold on me.  So if I complain or vent or remotely mention my frustrations and concerns about Sweetheart and the baby, no one would understand.  They’d only see a selfish, pathetic loser.  Not a man.

I’m being a good father, and the baby is making me happy, but every now and then I realize that this is lifelong, and that this child’s future will be directly impacted by choices I make, and especially by my mistakes.  That’s an intense amount of responsibility.  I mean I know I didn’t go to rehab but it was detox, so I just say rehab because it’s kind of similar I think, but I went from detox to the hospital because of the Gangsta and the head injury he gave me, and that was only 5 months ago.  And I have relapsed since then.

The thing is that I try to tell myself that this is normal for me to feel this way, and that other guys in my situation would feel the same, but it doesn’t prevent me from looking down on myself.  And it contributes to my resentment of Sweetheart.  She left.  She fucking left.  Then she never called.  I’m going to be responsible, and the baby is innocent in all of this, she didn’t ask for this.  I’m going to be a good dad.  But I really do want my bedroom back.  My bedroom and a bottle of whiskey.

*******

previous Grimm 124: Fate, Obstacles, Avoiding Trouble, & the Return of Sweetheart http://wp.me/p41c99-jZ

next Grimm 126: Grimm Breaks Down & Man’s Up http://wp.me/p41c99-ka

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

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Categories: JOURNAL ENTRIES 116-140 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on ““The Journal of Wall Grimm” 125: Responsibilities & Resentments

  1. Omg what have I missed in the past week !

    • lol I’m not sure where you left off. I can fill you in or you can skim through.

      • haha I’m not even quite sure I read up to the few entries before this one to catch myself up but it seems like everything just took a 180 @@

        • Yeah, I’m sorry about that, I’m posting about 4 posts per day now because I’m just rushing to get all the posts over here from the other blog. It’s been such a long process, I just want it done. If you have any questions, I’ll answer them, and I can even refer you to posts if you want. You don’t have to go back and read, I’ll fill you in. I’m not sure how long you’ve been reading them, but back in January he met Sweetheart, and she ended up living with Grimm for a while. She told him she was pregnant. He offered to be an active father and involved. But then she just took off one day. Now in this post, she returns with the baby out of no where. So you’re not the only one surprised, Grimm was too lol. Let me know if you have any questions.

          • Haha yes.. when I got to the father part I was like what?! Did I just somehow never realize this before? I remember that he was after this one other girl … that wasn’t Sweetheart right?
            But don’t be sorry, compared to me who can’t even get a post out in the last week or so I’d bravo you lols.

          • He’s in love with Emma, there’s actually a page devoted to her up at the top. But he’s having a hard time getting her, so he’s just sleeping around a lot. Sweetheart is the mother of his baby now. There’s a lot of girls in Grimm’s life so it can be confusing lol. Originally I started this and never intended for there to be a plot that ppl would lose track of if they missed some posts, but when you’re writing a journal about someone’s life, I’ve discovered that it’s extremely difficult to avoid plot. So I’m very willing at any time to answer any questions to catch you or anyone else up, so you don’t have to read back. Let me know if you have anymore questions. And thanks for asking, it means you’re interested ;)

          • Haha, no problem; Grimm’s life doesn’t exactly sound fun…per say..on some parts especially, but it’s interesting ! (: In the beginning I was always entertaining the idea of whether or this was real. Really cool though, hopefully I’ll catch up during the winter break !

          • Well, a lot of it is real, from my life, in some way or another, especially the earlier posts. A lot of plot that’s come in, such as Emma and Sweetheart, are pure fiction. So Grimm is a rough version of me. Some parts are actual excerpts from my own journal. I’ll admit to only some of it though ;)

          • Ha! That is why.. at first I was so confused…but then the last few comments you just said finalized that you weren’t in fact a dad just yet . Hm. Very intrigued. What a life though, altogether.

          • Yeah, I have lived quite a life, that’s true lol But I never got a girl pregnant, and I’ve never pined for anyone.

          • Aww the pining could have been cute. (:

          • lol it’s not my nature. Well, I guess I’ve pined internally, but not openly like Grimm. First, I’ve never been rejected. Second, my nature is more to back off upon rejection, too much pride maybe. So yeah, no open displays of obsessive desperation for me ;)

        • Or well, she doesn’t return in this post, sorry, she returns in a recent previous post, but here he is trying to face up to responsibilities. He’s resentful because she took off then just showed up out of no where.

  2. Desiree G

    No wonder you are a freakin’ optimist — you’ve never gone through rejection!!!!!!

    • Well, I’ve been rejected when I’ve gone on job interviews, but less often than actually being hired. And yeah, no rejections otherwise. Usually when I want someone, it’s mutual, so I’ve been lucky.

  3. toad (chris jensen)

    Reblogged this on thisoldtoad.

  4. OMG SWEETHEART HAD THE BABY! I HAVE GOT TO START READING AGAIN!

    • Yeah, there’s a lot going on lol A little more plot than I anticipated. However, if you have any questions, feel free to just ask and I will fill you in on the details so you don’t have to read back, or I can direct you to the posts that will clarify things. I like to make things easy for people. Miss you when you’re gone, but I always know you’ll be back. ;)

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