October 10, 2013
I’ve been practicing the harmonica and I’m not doing so bad. Gary Oldman (II) likes it when I play. I want to go every day with Howard and the guys, but they’re all retired and stuff. I see Howard on my way to work, and now we say hi as I pass. I did talk to Sharly yesterday and she arranged it so I can work Tues – Sat, that way I can go with Howard every Monday. Monday is my blues day now.
Wait I just realized something. I’m in a fucking blues band. That’s nuts. It’s not something that I’d ever expect to be the case. This just shows how unpredictable life can be, in both good and bad ways. Anything can happen. Sometimes we make things happen, and other times they just happen beyond our control. Or perhaps beyond any direct control. What that means is that we make choices every day, and these choices lead us from place to place, situation to situation, person to person. So when that shit just happens, we are not arbitrarily in the right place at the right time. I mean, I’ve been passing by Howard at the same time since I first started working for Sharly. All it took was that one day I approached him. What if I never did? Would circumstances lay themselves out for me in order to manipulate it? Are things truly meant to be, like destiny, fate?
And maybe that’s why when you try to force something that isn’t meant to happen, it corrupts the course of your life. Such as my trying to fight and get Emma. She’s not having it, and because it’s like hitting a fated brick wall, it makes me crumble each time I think of it or pine for her. But then I don’t fully agree with that. Because if that part were true, then what’s the point of ambitions? Obstacles help to create pride, strength, endurance, integrity, wisdom, and the reward of success and how good it fucking feels to acquire that success after fighting so long.
Anyway, I’ve been brainstorming about my future final attempt to get Emma to give me a chance. I’ve got lots of ideas circulating in my head. But now that I’m in this blues band, maybe I can learn a good song and sing it for her, with the guys. I’m thinking maybe I won’t tell anyone I’m in this band, then we can have a debut for my friends and maybe Emma will come, and I can serenade her. Just brainstorming, nothing’s set in stone.
So now I have Gary Oldman (II) and my harp. Do you invisible journal reading people think that I will be able to stay out of trouble now? Well if you do, you are fooling yourself. Because I don’t go looking for trouble, but…well I used to look for trouble. And because of that trouble got kind of attached to me and thinks we’re best friends now. I try to avoid it, but it comes looking for me, and sometimes finds me. Trouble is a troublemaker, no shit, right? It’s the beast that lies in wait ready to pounce me like I’m some warrior embarking upon a path of glorious reward and betterment for all only to be sought for determent and destruction and my ultimate demise. Well, in this particular case, responsibility.
First off, Paula, Shannon, and Dave have been texting the hell out of me. Paula wants me to go over for dinner sometime, wants to talk. Shannon has been alternating between wishing me dead and wanting to fuck me. And Dave keeps asking me to lift the curse I put on him, probably because he wants to have the shit kicked out of me and he doesn’t want any consequences on his soul.
But here’s the thing that happened last night, which could turn out to be a diversion from all my plans I stated above regarding Emma. I got home from work and Pete was sitting in the living room with Sweetheart. And Sweetheart was holding in her arms her new baby. My baby.
Now I don’t know why she came back, since I offered to be responsible and father the baby and help her, yet she still just took off without telling me and left me no way to find where she went. I had figured she went to Arizona to stay on the reservation of some Hopi friends she had, and she did, and that’s where she had the baby. There was no way for me to find her though, since I didn’t know the names of those friends, or what part of Arizona, which is a huge state. But now she’s back, and it’s unclear what she wants from me. I mean, I had moved on, disappointed but it’s been about 7 months and I guessed I’d never see her again. So of course I was not prepared to have this responsibility put on me. Though, like I said, I have no idea what she expects from me, we didn’t get into that last night.
She spent the night in my room with the baby while I slept on the couch, and she’s in there sleeping now. I’m about ready to go out for my morning run. I guess if she wants me to take on the role of a father, I’ll have to do that, because it’s the decent thing to do, the responsible thing, and I can’t expect her to do it alone. But I’m going back to school and I currently only make enough money to support myself. Maybe on top of school I’ll have to get another job. Who knows what’s going to happen.
But anyway, the baby is beautiful. It’s a girl that she named Valentina after me, Valente. She calls her Val. I call her Little Sweetheart. I was holding her and she was sleeping in my arms. I think Gary Oldman (II) was jealous, and she was particularly disturbed that our room was sieged by this tiny invasive human, the little spy. Anyway, Gary Oldman (II) has taught me responsibility so I think I could be a good father. But I don’t want to marry Sweetheart because I want Emma. So this is the way it seems, as I was talking about fate and obstacles, just when you start to make positive changes in your otherwise fucked up way of living, things get thrown at you, challenging your ideals, your goals, and just trying to manipulate you into making bad choices. In this case, there’s a baby involved, so no matter what, my choices should focus on the needs of the baby. Yet still I want to pursue my ambitions and follow the path I’ve been trying so hard to stay on. There’s got to be a way to balance it all.
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