September 12, 2013
Iona has been spending most nights with me in my apartment with Pete. Pete doesn’t mind, he expected I’d have company like that. Since we lived together before, he knows I keep busy and now he minds less since he has his own room and isn’t sleeping on the couch. Besides it’s his apartment that I moved into, not vice versa.
Anyway, so I was sleeping with Iona last night and I dreamed of Emma. It was a romantic dream, and passionate, and realistic. In my dream we were, well I won’t say fucking because it’s Emma so I guess I’ll say we were making love. We were making love and it felt so good, but in the midst of it, I woke up to Iona giving me a blow job, which was hot to wake up to that. I was disoriented at first thinking it was Emma and that my dream was real, but there wasn’t much thought going on in my head because my blood flow was busy elsewhere. It all translated to blow job at that point, regardless who was giving it. Iona is very skilled at blow jobs. She told me once that she’s always kind of been insecure about her body so she’d usually give blow jobs to satisfy the guys and avoid having her body being seen or touched. I said that was kinda sad but she said it made her feel good about herself that the guys enjoyed the blow jobs. Selfishly, I’m glad she got all that practice. Otherwise, I try to convince her that she has a beautiful body, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess she’s grown somewhat confident around me.
So yeah, I awoke to this amazing blow job and came really hard and then she cuddled into me after and said, “Did you like that?” Hell yeah. But after the burning, tingling, fucking ohhh yeahhh mmmmmm wore off I got sad because I was dreaming about Emma, and I wished that it was her. Then, as I decided to give Emma one more shot and began to plot and scheme some way to at least get her to talk to me and at the very least just work things out and build the friendship again, Iona told me she loved me.
She said, “I love you cowboy. I know you don’t love me, but that’s ok. I just love you and I can’t help it.”
I said, “I wish I did love you, you’re perfect. But I never love anyone. I love one person, that’s it.”
“You mean girls, not family or friends.”
“Yeah, just one. Wish it was you.”
“You just wish that because it’d be easier for you and more convenient.”
“Nah,” I said, but it kind of sounded true.”You’re perfect for me.”
“You just like that I call you cowboy.”
“Something like that.”
“I never loved anyone either. Just you.”
And then I had an epiphany, which in my self-centered world was never able to break into my consciousness. People fall in love all the time with that one person they can never have. They can’t have them physically and/or emotionally, whatever. But there’s always that one person that everyone has that they want and love and worship and pine for. As the story goes in life, we usually never get that person. Instead we move on and find love once we let go of the dream. We fall in love with someone else that we can have. Rare are those relationships when the person you pine for reciprocates mutually the love you have for that person. If I got Emma, it would be one of those few miracle relationships. But in thinking this, my idea is that the mutual love would always have to exist from the very beginning upon first meeting. You can’t just grow to have that kind of love, it just has to happen naturally. So I’m thinking that this kind of relationship with Emma is impossible, because I don’t think she ever loved me like that. Maybe she could grow to love me and I would definitely settle for that, but I would always love her more and on a deeper level. I’m ok with that, so I’ll still give it one last effort.
And then I thought of Iona and wondered if she has that kind of love for me, which it sounded like she does. And I felt bad and obligated to love her but that just made me want to push her away and end it or make it just about sex with no emotional intimacies. It would be easy to do that with her, just use her for sex and A+ blow jobs, but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I only used the girls who were willingly used with no expectations, at least this was my perception. Maybe I’ve just been selfish and blind. Iona would be willingly used but heartbroken in the process. She’s an open book. I pride myself on being so insightful, but long ago I blocked out those insights because it’s too heavy to carry around all that shit, especially as an inherently compassionate person. It’s the compassion I demolished in order to block out the psychic recognition of other people’s thoughts, feelings, experiences. I became cold and careless as a defense mechanism. Iona enlightened me to this last night.
I wanted to tell her all these ideas but then I’d have been so exposed and open and I’d regret it later. No one knows me that well and I like it that way. I don’t know if anyone knows how I really think, what goes on in my mind. I like to talk about external shit like movies, music, books. I enjoy philosophical conversations. But I reveal nothing about myself and so everything that I ever say is superficial. Except when I’ve told Emma I love her. And that brings me back to the subject of love.
I don’t even love people in a friendly way because that’s too much of a burden. I care about people and I try to be respectful, when it doesn’t get in the way of my selfishness, but otherwise I remain detached, because I can’t handle the intensity of having that much concern or empathy. This detachment is contrary to my nature. What the fuck is my problem?
So Iona tells me she loves me and she’s only ever loved me and that’s how I feel about Emma. I hate the thought that I might cause anyone to pine like I pine for Emma. But after all this thought, my only response to Iona is, “Well thanks, you’re a sweetheart.”
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