September 4, 2013
I called Amy Monday because I felt like doing something, but Iona couldn’t go since she had plans with her family for Labor Day. I asked Amy if she wanted to go for a hike or something. She said no for two reasons: 1. It was kinda rainy. 2. She doesn’t even know me so she’s not making plans for us to go off into the middle of the woods alone. She wanted a public place so we decided on Barnes & Noble. She also said she wanted to meet there in the front of the store.
So I got there a little early and was kind of frustrated that I forgot to bring Steppenwolf. I wanted to read while I was waiting and I didn’t want to have to buy a new copy. Instead I just smoked a couple butts off to the side and people-watched. When I saw her, I said, “Hey Amy.”
I put out the butt, approached her, and leaned in for a quick kiss. She kissed back, with her eyes open, mouth kind of stiff. “What’s wrong?”
“How old are you??”
“Oh my god.”
I was like, what’s the problem? She said I was way too young, and I looked even younger than 24. I thought I told her my age when she mentioned she was 35, but now that I’m thinking about it, I think our conversation was interrupted by John when he wanted to get a smoke off me. Then we just resumed talking but a change of subject.
I told her that I just was in a relationship with a 50 year old woman. She had this weird sympathetic look and said, “That’s so wrong.”
“She’s old enough to be your mother. And I’m old enough to be your…college professor.”
Turns out she’s a literature professor at Boston College, and I am the age of many of her students. She said I looked older with the zombie makeup on and had assumed I was around 30 also because I just “seemed” older. I asked her if she thought she could get passed it. She said definitely not, she was impulsive, caught up in the theatrics of the Zombie Picnic, she made a mistake. I was like, well let’s go to the King Richard’s Faire this weekend and get caught up in the theatrics of that. She laughed like I was five and said, “you’re very sweet, but no.” I knew then that she just viewed me as if I was a student of hers. She put those boundaries up clearly. Boundaries, boundaries.
She apologized and said she made a mistake and should go. I was like we should just go in and have a cup of coffee. It was kind of disconcerting to be rejected because of my age. Or just to be rejected at all by anyone besides Emma. She succumbed to my request and we went inside.
She got a decaf latte. I got a cappuccino. Cappuccino’s kind of suck because you get the cup and it feels pretty much empty since it’s 3/4 foam, yet the foam tastes so freakin’ good. I like to put vanilla, chocolate, and cinamon on it. Then I stir that into the foam and eat the foam a tiny bit at a time with the wooden stirrer.
Amy did most of the talking, because I don’t talk much, but I like intelligent conversation. Yet I don’t like to talk about myself at all since I’m with myself every day so the subject is kind of redundant and monotonous. But then she threw out there, “so tell me about yourself.”
She laughed and said again, “you’re very sweet.”
She kept those boundaries up well though, I knew there was no breaking them. I could tell that right off, so I didn’t try to. I also figured I’d never see her again, so I decided to use this situation to my advantage. I told her about Emma, vaguely, and asked her for advice, in a subtle way that wasn’t really asking, but it was more like I was directing her to offer some.
She told me that if a girl doesn’t want a guy, there’s no real pursuing it. The more a guy pushes, in most cases, the more distance the girl will put between them. And this is especially true if they were friends. Because girls value their friendships with their guy friends, and don’t like the lines to be crossed. So I was like, “basically there’s nothing I can do.”
She said that it sounds like Emma and I need to talk. We need to communicate and resolve our relationship because we’ve been friends for so long it would be a shame to waste it. I agreed with that, but the problem is, she pused me away as a friend. I’m also having a difficult time maintaining a friendship with her when I can’t just put my arms around her whenever I want.
Amy said, “I don’t know. You need to talk.”
Anyway, so Amy and I spent over two hours at Barnes & Noble. She had worn kind of a low cut shirt, but was persistantly holding her arm across her chest since she found out my age. Finally I told her that it was obvious she was uncomfortable being with me and I was just going to leave, no big deal. She decided to leave as well so we walked out of the store together. I walked her to her car and asked her to kiss me one more time. She said no. I said, “did you like kissing me when I was a zombie?” She hesistated but said yes. I said just one kiss and then we’ll go our separate ways in life. She decided to oblige me.
I gave her a nice kiss, slow and gentle, but passionate. She asked if I ever kissed Emma like that, I was like yeah. She said, “then the girl is nuts.” I said no, that I was just a loser, in all honestly.
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