August 16, 2013
Ok today’s Friday, I made my list Monday, and so right now I’m going to go over my list and see how much I’ve accomplished.
WALL GRIMM’S PROGRESS IN PRIORITIES
1. I need to square things with Paula, and make a choice that reflects what’s best for both of us:
Well, Paula’s been really horny lately, maybe it’s the cowboy hat. Eastwood. I don’t know, but we’ve had a lot of sex, less talking. She’s liking me to be aggressive and toss her on the bed and ravish her, which is fine by me. One thing I’ve done is I texted Snow White and told her I was in a relationship, but she still wants to visit, so if she does, it will be just friends. The only way I know I will be able to control myself is because of her virgin-ness. But that same factor might stir me too much to handle. I would love to break her in, but I need to be decent. I need to be respectful of both her and Paula. For the time being I’m going to try to stay loyal to Paula, just be a decent guy to her. I just realize that I’ve been an asshole and the whole relationship is confusing in many ways. I don’t know what I want. I guess I’m just not in love with her, so I’m only seeing it as temporary, but it feels good for right now. I also am confused about what she wants. She says she hates that I’m so young but at the same time she loves it. I don’t know if she does love me or if she just loves having a young boyfriend to fuck. I guess we need to talk. So as far as this priority goes, I’m trying to be more respectful in the relationship, but we still have issues to sort out.
2. Work more and be responsible for Sharly:
I’ve worked every day this week, and I’m working today. I’ve been very responsible and a good worker, like when I first started working there. I’ve only worked a few hours every day, but I will start working more hours soon.
3. Look for a career, not just a job:
This priority is taking a back seat while I re-establish myself at Sharly’s, I’m happy there and it works for what I’ve got going on in my life right now.
4. Quit smoking:
Yesterday I cut back. I was smoking almost a pack per day. Yesterday I cut down to 5, so I’ll start there. No more than 10, but I’ll shoot for only 5 cigarettes each day.
5. Start working out again:
On Wednesday I started running. I ran 3 miles the past three days, including this morning. I also did 300 sit ups and 100 push-ups those days. Did 150 sit ups, 50 push-ups, then ran 3 miles, then did 150 more sit ups, and another 50 push-ups. That’s going to be my routine for a week then maybe I’ll increase that.
6. Get a regular sleep schedule:
Ah, well, forgot about this one, I stay up too late sometimes, or get up in the middle of the night, sleep too late sometimes. It’s kind of sporadic, so I have to work on that.
7. Take good care of Gary Oldman:
Doing the best I can, I take her everywhere with me.
8. Start referring to Gary Oldman in my journal as Gary Oldman II or just Oldman so I don’t get confused, even though it makes me laugh to write Gary Oldman in certain sentences such as “Gary Oldman likes to bite.” :
Gary Oldman II. There.
9. Read more:
Just started reading Steppenwolf. How’s that for a good read.
10. I suppose I’m expected to make ammends to people I’ve wronged, based on the 12 step programs I was involved in, but I haven’t been really doing any of that. And yeah, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I should go to AA or something so I’ll put that on the list:
Go to AA meetings:
Ok, need to start making amends and attend meetings. Forgot about this one too.
Anyway, I’ve made some good progress I think. I’ve kind of chosen a lot of solitude, not seeing my friends. My friends are good, not bad influences, except Dave who’s no longer my friend. I just feel like I have too much I need to focus on in order to make shit happen the way I want. I feel like I’m kind of in limbo in many ways.
I’ve been thinking about Emma too, but trying not to. It hurts. It hurts too much. I tell myself I’ve given up, but my heart aches. I believe I don’t have the capacity to ever love anyone like I love Emma. I never have loved anyone else, it’s always only been Emma. Other girls they just serve a purpose for whatever is going on at the time. Like Paula, she’s serving a purpose. She’s a good woman, so I would love her if I could. It would be much easier if I could. But I can’t. I’ve always only loved Emma. I always will only love Emma. So I have to accept that. One day maybe I’ll marry or whatever, but I won’t be in love when I do. I’ll just marry the girl that is the best for my life and that I can envision being with permanently. It seems impossible to love anyone besides Emma. But a part of me hates her too, and resents her. She won’t give me the chance and I don’t understand why she doesn’t love me because we’ve been friends for so long. My love is so intense, how can it not be mutual. It makes no sense. I want to take her and force her to love me but that’s not realistic or possible. I want to force her to give me a chance to prove myself. I want to control her so she can realize she loves me. I want to call her and text her and go wherever she is, basically stalk her. But these are irrational wants that won’t ever happen and won’t ever work. They’re just urges stemming from a desperation that I can’t stifle. There are no other options besides these kind of criminal like ideas, which I won’t do, so in other words, there are no options at all. I just have to let her go, and that is so painful, too painful to truly accept.
previous Grimm 100: The Outlaw Grimm Wales & the Fire http://wp.me/p41c99-hD
next Grimm 102: The Best F*king Lasagna & Step 1 http://wp.me/p41c99-hN
For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J
For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.