August 10, 2013
Well yesterday was my birthday and Paula threw me a birthday party. All the regulars came, old friends, new friends, Emma. Again, Dave wasn’t invited, of course. We had a fire in the back though it was rainy. Most people stayed inside, kind of going in and out to be by the fire. There was always at least one person tending to it. People gave me some presents which was cool. Usually they would give me alcohol or something like that. I got a few more journals so it seems I’m going to be keeping a journal for a long, long time. Pete gave me a coupon towards rent for when I finally decide to move back in with him. The best present was from Emma.
Emma made me a scrap book with all the photos of us and good times beginning from way back when we started hanging out. It had notes we wrote each other, movie stubs, restaurant menus, copies of txts or Facebook posts. She put a lot of time and work into it. It’s probably the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received.
At one point, I snuck out of the party and went off by myself into the side garden where there is a bench and a trellis. It’s a peaceful, kind of meditative spot. I like it there to smoke and I’m prone to benches anyway. The trellis is covered with roses and outdoor little white lights. Yeah it’s romantic too.
So I was sitting on the bench with the scrapbook, looking through it, when Emma quietly approached and sat down beside me. I didn’t even notice her coming until the last minute when I only saw a silhouette. She said, “hey.”
She looked in the scrapbook with me and we talked about some of the things in it, being nostalgic and laughing sometimes. Then we got quiet. I stared at her and she said, “what?”
“Give me a kiss.”
“That sounds like a command.”
“No, a command would imply I’m superior to you. It’s quite the contrary.”
“Maybe demand is a better word.”
After a little more silence, I repeated, “Give me a kiss.”
She gave me that smirk of hers, and eyes that told me I had a lot of balls. But then she leaned in and kissed me, attempting a brief one on the side of my mouth but I dove in for more and kissed more intensely, tongue and everything. She kissed back, with some reluctance before she pulled away. I got down on my knees, put my head on her lap and wrapped my arms around her hips.
“I love you. Emma, I love you.”
“Well I love you too, but not in the way you want me to, I think.”
I stayed there, and just breathed, sucking in her presence, taking what I could get. I could smell her, between her legs, and I wanted her so bad.
She kind of pushed me away, “Get up Grimm.”
I stood, “give me a chance Emma. I can be whatever kind of man you want me to be.”
“I don’t want to stay around here. I’m leaving, once I’m done school.”
“I don’t know. Maybe Europe…maybe Spain or Italy.”
“Well I can understand that, traveling’s good, I love to travel. But you know I’ve traveled enough to learn that no matter where you go, at some point every place becomes pretty much the same. The only difference is that here is home.”
“I want to make a home somewhere else.”
“Away from me.”
“No, we’ll always be friends.”
“No we won’t. We’re not friends now.”
“How can you say that?”
“When I needed you the most, you pulled away and shut me out. That’s not a friend.”
“You were pushing for more than I wanted in our relationship. You expected more than I could give.”
I turned away and lit a cigarette.
“Just go Emma, get the fuck out.”
“You’re so self-centered. You don’t even care how I feel.”
“Yeah, I don’t anymore. Have a nice life.”
“Fuck you Grimm. Maybe if you’d just grow up a little.” She stood and walked away. She didn’t even go back inside. Instead she went directly to the front of the house, got in her car and drove away.
I felt like my soul shattered and broke into a million pieces. But I can’t go on pining for her, it’s too painful, and it only makes a fool out of me. A miserable fool. I grabbed the scrapbook, walked over to the fire where Danika and John were standing. I tossed the scrapbook into the fire. They just stood in shock as I watched it burn for a minute before I walked away. I also didn’t go back into the party. I walked to the front, then down the road. I did it so they couldn’t see me leave.
I walked and walked for a long time before I stopped fighting myself and I went into a bar and drank myself stupid. My tolerance is so low, it didn’t take much alcohol to kick my ass. I turned off my phone so I didn’t have to deal with phone calls or texts from people at the party wondering where I was. When the bar closed, I didn’t want to go back to Paula’s, but I didn’t know where to go so I walked to Dave’s. He wasn’t home so I crashed on his porch until he got home. He lives on the third floor of a three family. When he got home I went up with him to his apartment, drank more and got high and did some coke. I got so fucked up and I didn’t even care if it would kill me.
Now I’m still at Dave’s and he’s asleep. I woke up a little while ago on his bathroom floor by the toilet. I’m so sick, really bad hangover. I have an emotional hangover too. Happy Fucking Birthday Grimm.
Happy Fucking Birthday.
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