May 11, 2013
I’m at Paula’s still. I haven’t even gone to see Pete’s new place yet, that would be my new place too once I move in. I haven’t seen anyone since the party. I haven’t left Paula’s at all. She asks if I want to go for a ride or a hike or do something, but I just want to stay here. When she’s at work, it’s nice to have complete solitude. I’ve communicated via txt with people, not much, mostly Hasty. We’ve been talking about taking a road trip and I think I’d like to do that. Me, Hasty, Patrick, and maybe Pete if he can get the time off from work. Maybe a road trip and then I can restart my life.
Sharly said I could come back to the bookstore. She said that she knows I’ll have struggles, but that I’m trying and I was always responsible before. She also trusts me even though I took her money. She knows I was planning to pay it back, but once again she’s let me off the hook. She’s too good to me. So I’ll probably go back to work there eventually. We talked about starting off slowly, with fewer hours, and she’d be working with me, I wouldn’t be alone. Again, it’s not because of distrust, as she put it, more just as a support system.
I’m avoiding Dave, though he’s been texting me. I finally just texted, “look just fuck off, we can’t hang out, not now.” He texted back “bbbbbut why? :( “ He’s so fucking clueless.
One funny thing was going on in the dynamic at the party. Hasty decided, I think, to hate Paula. She said to me, “I’m jealous, I want to cut that bitch.” But of course, Hasty is the most harmless person, so it was just cute. She’s cute and I love that she’s jealous. I like when people get possessive of me, until it becomes an imposition. I don’t think Hasty could ever impose. Paula said later, “I don’t think your friend likes me.” I said, “yeah she hates you.” Then she was just horrified and confused. I said, “Don’t take it personally, it’s a Hasty thing.” She was just like shocked because no one’s every hated her before. I told her to join the club, it always dumbfounds me when I’m hated. But it’s always the most awesome people who get the haters, right? Yeah, that’s the way it is.
I realized that tomorrow is mother’s day so I have to get my mother a present, but I feel kind of unworthy because I don’t think I’ve been a very good son. I think I should just apologize and take off because I feel too ashamed to face her. But I’ll man up and try to do something nice. She was a good mom. She was at home with me until I went to school. Then when I went to school I hated it and I just wanted to be home with her. We’d do crafts and bake cookies and play games. She’d take me to the library for activities and story times and to get tons of books. I liked when she’d read to me. Sometimes she’d make voices for the characters and I didn’t like that so I’d tell her to stop. Then she’d have to start the story over from the beginning. If she made a mistake, I’d make her start over too. And when it was a story I was really familiar with, I’d recognize when she’d skip a word or a line, so I’d make her start over. I guess I was just a little pain in the ass.
My mom was such an awesome mom, still is, but I’m just not a little boy anymore. I guess sometimes I wish I could go back to the times when I was a kid and I was really sick and she would sometimes sleep on the floor by my bed when I’d have a hard time breathing. Or if I had high fevers, she would cool me down with a cold cloth. Once I had such bad infections in my knees from falling that I couldn’t walk, so she had to carry me to really hot baths. It was like I grew up knowing that no matter what bad shit was going on, my mother would be there for me, to take care of me to protect me. But there were things I couldn’t tell her, because I didn’t want to break her heart. I knew even at a really young age that she pained when I was hurt, and she suffered for me. So I didn’t want to tell her about some things, because I wanted to spare her the grief. Then as I got older, there were just more and more things I had to hide in order to protect her. Eventually I guess I distanced myself. I could only see myself as a source of agony for her, and I was compelled to guard her from the suffering I would have caused her.
So now it’s mother’s day tomorrow, and I think maybe I’ll get Paula to help me figure out what to do for my mom because I want it to be really good and maybe Paula can help me if I need money to get her something nice. It’ll be cool because I guess I’ve been so self-centered lately, I should take the time to consider someone else, especially someone who will unconditionally always be there for me.
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