Still May 9, 2013
So after we got back from the restaurant my parents went home and I went to Paula’s. I was hoping to do that first thing because obviously I was really horny, not having sex for so long. I like to start off sex with a blow job. I cum, then the real sex begins. Because then I go down on the girl and give her multiple orgasms with the magic workings of my tongue, lips, and fingers. The process makes me hard again because I love to do it. I love doing it and I love making a woman cum like that while my face is between her legs, hearing her moan and breathe with her hands pushing my head deeper between her thighs, her body convulsing from orgasms. Makes me horny just talking about it. Then, I fuck her. And she orgasms more and that feels really good for me. And since I’ve already cum, I can last a long time and the sex is awesome. You can really exhaust a woman that way. Paula is in love with me because of it I think.
She said after that she loved me and was afraid to lose me. She knows that Pete has a new apartment and I’m supposed to go live with him, but she doesn’t want me to go. She wants me to stay with her. She’s a sophisticated woman but she was sounding like an insecure little girl. I hate that though. I don’t like to be responsible for someone else’s self esteem. And the pressure to make a decision on someone else’s behalf kind of detaches me a little. Because I could go live with Pete and easily stay involved with Paula. But I’m feeling a little clinged to, which puts me off. I like to make choices based on a decent combination of what I want and what is respectful of other people. I don’t like to make decisions based on a sense of obligation.
The reality of it is that I’m in love with Emma and if Emma wanted me I’d drop Paula in a heart beat. Also, I was so willing to cheat on her in rehab because I was horny and the only reason I didn’t was the lack of opportunity. Honestly I don’t know why I’m with Paula. I like her a lot and I care about her, but I think it just came out of convenience to start. I wasn’t intentionally using her, I’d never want to hurt her. I’m happy being with her and I don’t want to end that. But I think I’m just kind of along for the ride and I’m realizing that’s not respectful. She was just so cool and mature, I thought she was beyond these kind of attachments that younger girls have. I also have this clarity now. And my mini lobotomy is not hindering me from recognizing the consequences of my actions, so that kinda sucks.
But anyway, so we fucked and then she wanted to go for a ride, and she took me to this house that turned out to be Sharly’s. Sharly was throwing a welcome home party for me. Everyone was there. Everyone but Dave.
There was Sharly, of course, and her girlfriend, me and Paula, my parents, my sister, Pete, Hasty, Patrick, Hasty’s Husband, Jay, John, Jeff, Morgan, Ayla, Danika, my old landlord don’t ask me why, Randy even though he kind of hates me, Lauren and her parents were there which was kind of weird, Emma’s roommate Gwen, and yes, even Emma. There were some other friends I don’t see much but they’re out a lot with us and at all the parties.
It was intense to walk in and see all these people. I both loved and hated it. I don’t much like to be the center of attention and I’m not really feeling like myself. And the entire time all I could think is how much I suck that everyone was there and no one could drink so it was kind of like I ruined the life of the party. I never knew any of these people unless I was drunk or high. I don’t know them, they don’t know me, I don’t know myself anymore. It was intense and confusing. I don’t know how to interact while I’m clean.
I mean, it was really cool of them to do this for me and I appreciated it, but it was just overwhelming I guess. I guess I kind of was hoping to settle back into my life gradually, not be flooded with it. I’d been stepped out of it so long starting when I took off to Boston and I avoided all these people. I don’t mean to sound so negative. They’re really good to me and supportive. I just need to figure out how to be a part of this world without the drugs and alcohol. This was just a huge example of the contrast between the world I was in, and the world as it really is, and how it pertains to me.
I went to the bathroom at one point then after I snuck outside. It was a little cold and rainy. Interestingly enough, my first day out and it poured all day on and off. It was the first rain for over a month. I like the rain, it makes me feel both powerful and melancholy. It gives me the freedom for introspection and a deep calm that leaves me alone within my own darkness and it feels comfortable there.
Emma came out while I was there. She said, “I’m sorry.”
I said, “Why?”
She said she didn’t mean to avoid me, Dickhead wasn’t really her boyfriend either, just a jerk. She said she didn’t know everything that I’d done to try and reach her. She said I scared her because she saw what I was doing to myself and she didn’t want to participate in it, or watch it happen. She saw me on the unstoppable road to death and she didn’t want to see me die, she felt hopeless, so she detached herself from it. She said she was sorry, she should have been a better friend and tried to help but she knows how stubborn I am, then she laughed unsurely.
I just said, “I don’t want to be your friend.”
“I want to be more.”
She said, “I’m sorry.” And she touched my face, looked at my black eyes, “Aw, you’re beautiful face.” Then she hugged me.
It felt so fucking good to have her in my arms I thought, ok, now I can die, I’ve reached the most beautiful level of life possible now, nothing can be more beautiful than this. She hugged me and at first I just wanted to melt with that feeling, but then I felt awkward and guarded so I released and turned away before I couldn’t fight my urge to grab her and kiss her. Then we looked out into the woods behind Sharly’s house and said nothing for a little while.
She touched my arm and said, “It’s so good to have you back.”
I turned and decided I would kiss her after all, but then a couple people came out to smoke and said, “There you guys are.”
I succumbed to having a cigarette. It made me cough and tasted like an ashtray, but it was good and gave me something to do with my hands. Being clean, I’m finding it’s difficult how to be inside my body, not knowing what to do with it, how to stand, how to move, how to talk, and I have no idea what to do with my hands.
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Patrick is a character based on Patrick at http://phintly.wordpress.com/ and Hasty is based on Hasty from http://hastywords.wordpress.com/ And Hasty’s husband is based on her husband at http://hastyhusband.wordpress.com/