Shortly after visiting hours were over on Saturday, I decided to be an asshole. I decided that I didn’t want to be nice to anyone, I was sick of everyone, I didn’t want to go to meetings or groups or my individual shit. Today would have been the day that I would leave detox and either go out on the street to do more drugs, or move on to rehab. But I didn’t make that decision. Someone else made that decision for me. Kind of.
Paula bought me an iPod and had Pete set it up with all my favorite songs. She brought it to me on Saturday. I never had an iPod before which sounds unrealistic but it’s something I never had an interest in. I’m not very fond of technology, which isolates me from my generation. I’m sick of walking around and living life and seeing everyone with their faces shoved in various pieces of machinery, interacting with each other, but not really. It’s like everyone is in a cave communicating by smoke signals and every now and then they break out to interact with a real human being, or the speaker at the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts. Wait, a cave and smoke signals sounds kind of nice, yet I don’t see people so connected with nature. That’s the thing, I guess I’m just old fashioned. I mean, I’m kind of shy, but nobody believes that, but I also like people. So if I’m out in the world, walking down the street or sitting in the park, I don’t talk to people, but I like to watch them, because they’re interesting. There are a dwindling few people watchers left in the world. People alone in the park will be closed off in their technological box, too afraid to be alone with themselves, hiding from real interaction, and hiding from the experience of being human that makes us curious creatures. People watching was always a way to learn about human nature and as well a way for us to evolve somewhat within ourselves. So now, we don’t interact, we don’t understand each other, we don’t take the time to observe human nature that doesn’t directly relate to ourselves. It’s a sci fi world out there and we are becoming fucking robots. I just want humanity back, and I don’t want to be a part of this shit that my generation is. Technology is beneficial in many ways, but that’s the thing, human beings often fail at moderation.
Yet now I have an iPod. And now I see the value, at least in this realm of my world, of isolating myself. I want to hide in my mind for a while, I want nothing to do with these people. So I’ve been an asshole. They say “Grimm, you have to go to group now.” “Fuck you I don’t want to go, fuck you I ain’t going, fuck you.” Eventually, since they want to address my issues in a compassionate way and subtly force me to go, I say, “Fuck you fine I’ll go but I’m not talking so fuck you.”
So that’s the way I’ve been for the past couple days. Things are just getting to me. I haven’t slept well in over a week. I get really sick to my stomach now and then, but at least I’m not vomiting anymore, though food doesn’t appeal to me. All I want is fucking chocolate. I’m craving the shit. There’s one nurse who always has chocolate, not because of me but she brings it to work every day. I just know when she has it so I go to the nurses station and give her my pathetic begging dog look, “I want chocolate.” She says no but I say, “Please just one piece.” So she caves and gives me a bit. Yesterday she was like, “ok something’s wrong with Grimm, he’s not asking for chocolate.” I just didn’t have the appetite for it. I haven’t eaten since Saturday night.
But the iPod helped me to hide away, go in my own world, and try to find traces of myself that used to be. Not just before detox, but before drugs. I have to go way back to when I was a small child to when things were perfect for me. But I don’t even remember back then because it was so long ago and I was so young. It’s like just at the time in my life when memories began to form, shit started happening. So I speed back up in my mind and find Emma, and the time in my life when we were best friends, and it was good and we were happy. I fucked up. I fucked it up bad by trying to have more, and then she saw me for what I was, a fucking loser. I miss Emma, I mourn her like she died or something. It begins to make me resentful of her. I feel like she’s abandoned me. Why has she avoided me? We were best friends, why can’t she even talk to me? And the time she offered, I was trapped in a crap frame of mind and looking disgusting.
Anyway, yesterday I was listening to “Do it Again” by the Chemical Brothers, and just trying to feel high, trying to escape. I was kind of dancing and getting lost in the song trying to bring myself back to feeling like I was on ecstasy, and thinking, ‘fuck this, I’m not going to rehab, I need to get high until I’m fucking dead, that’s all there is to it’ and then the gangsta comes up behind me and slams me against my shoulders and the back of my head with a chair so hard it brings me down. Then he gets over me and punches me in the back of my head twice, which slams my face into the hard common room floor. I guess he hates me since I’ve been an asshole. He wanted to have the Tear of Grimm on his face, magic number 11.
He was such a pussy to come at me from behind. I was able to twist myself around after the second blow, despite my disorientation. I rallied and fought back, but not for long before those guys came in to restrain us. My blood was everywhere. I was bleeding from both the front and the back of my head, and my nose. A couple nurses were like, “you can’t restrain him when he’s got a head injury.” And they couldn’t sedate me even though I was yelling and fighting. The other guy got restrained. I think I eventually just lost consciousness, I don’t remember. I do know that at first, the staff wanted to blame me, but the other patients backed me up. I was just defending myself.
So now I’m in the hospital and the gangsta is in jail I think. Which is where he belongs. You kill ten people, what the hell are you doing out of jail?? My shoulders are bruised up with a couple open wounds from the chair that were stitched up, since I didn’t have a shirt on. I have a broken nose, a concussion and a little damage to my brain. Great, just what I need in life is brain damage. I don’t notice anything yet besides some slow thinking, slow processing. Maybe that’s all I’ll have, not so bad I guess. But my head is killing me and I feel so sick to my stomach. They won’t give me more than acetaminophen for the pain, which sucks. Not that the pain requires morphine, but morphine would be nice.
And yeah, a hospital stay is biding my time a little. I think I’ll be leaving tomorrow. Still as of yet undecided about rehab. I’m thinking it depends which part of me steps up to plate: The motivated part who wants to quit being a loser and try to make something of myself, still with ambitions to get Emma. Or the part of me who is utterly hopeless.
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