I don’t know what date it is, but it’s April, and I’m in detox. Every time they tried to ease up on the meds, I got sick or in pain or agitated. It really sucked and I didn’t want to go to detox but I wasn’t able to walk out of the hospital.
It’s actually really nice here, everyone treats me so well, they’re like all over me with niceness, it makes me feel like a celebrity. Funny that being in detox makes me feel like a celebrity. But really, besides the medical shit, it’s like a freakin’ spa. I haven’t started on the program yet since I came in yesterday, maybe I’ll start today. There’s group therapy and individual therapy….yeah I don’t know about that. I’m kind of private. I think I will make up shit.
My name is Wall Grimm and here is the story of why I do drugs.
WALL GRIMM’S DRUG FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time Grimm was born a handsome prince and everyone adored him. Until one day when he was around 4, the Cookie Monster scared the shit out of him. Then Grimm began having nightmares that the Cookie Monster was stealing all his cookies. Every now and then, another muppet would join the robbery. The worse was Dr. Teeth. That is one scary ass mother fucking muppet.
When the dreams finally ended, years later, Grimm realized that the muppets were his new reality. Only drugs brought him back to that world…
Ah that’s a stupid story. I’m not in my right mind, clearly. I’m detoxing the Grimm out of me. What I don’t get is what it will be like after I leave here. It’s kind of like, I want to either live here permanently or not be here at all. For the time being, I just want to be done with the withdrawals. They tell me that the combination of withdrawal from cocaine and alcohol can sometimes be severe enough to cause death. I guess I realized I was doing enough drugs to need this, but at the same time I had no idea. It was like a thought that was under the surface of my consciousness. I believed I would be able to quit at any time, without any help. Seriously, it wouldn’t have been possible. I’m aware of that now.
So this is really a good thing, because now I know what it’s like and that it’s possible. And since it’s all come out without my having to swallow much pride, it will be easy to come back later. I say come back later because I’m kind of still planning to get back on shit once I leave here. I dream of doing lines, I dream of drinking from bottles. I have dreams and I feel high in them. Sometimes they’re like an acid trip. I’ve also had erotic dreams that felt like I was on ecstasy. It sounds like a lot of dreaming, but I have countless dreams every night. They started in the hospital. I had two erotic dreams that I can recall, the last two nights. They happen right before I wake up it seems. The first one I was in the hospital and I woke up with my dick in my hand. The second one was last night. I actually came which woke me up. I came and I moaned loudly. Just as I was waking up, a nurse came in to see if I was ok because they heard me moaning. I was thinking, sure I’m ok but I’ll be even better if you hop in the bed with me. She’s a cutey. But then I had this mess. So after she left I had to change my shorts.
I’m writing now as I feel lucid and calm. Sometimes I feel completely out of it or too irritable to hold a fucking pen. I wrote some crazy shit yesterday but I destroyed it because it came from the demon. I don’t like that shit in my journal because it doesn’t seem like me, it seems like someone else.
The good thing is, this is all free. I don’t have a job or health insurance. And I don’t have a home, so I’m homeless. So they’re putting me on MassHealth which will cover it all. That’s good anyway because people are legally required to have insurance in Massachusetts or you get penalized during tax season. I had insurance but I couldn’t afford it anymore after I lost my job. I’m homeless because Pete got a new place. It is a two bedroom like we planned on and he was hoping I’d return so we could move in. At this time he’s at the old apartment until May 1st. My parents stepped in and caught up with all my expenses including rent. But I’m homeless because I don’t live anywhere at the moment, I’m slumming at Paula’s. Anyway it’s a technicality that gets me the insurance. Once I get a job I can get my own.
Worse thing here in detox is: NO COFFEE! NO CIGARETTES! wtf
I need a smoke. I was trying to look in the cabinets of the common room for something like borax that I could snort. No luck.
It’s early right now so obviously I’m up writing, not in my journal but in the notebook Paula gave me. I just got back from flirting with the nurses at the nursing station. I’m not a blatant flirt, like I don’t say suggestive things, I just kind of give them different kind of attention, hard to describe.
I’m going to close out with five interesting things that have happened since I got here yesterday morning.
WALL GRIMM’S FIVE INTERESTING DETOX THINGS
1. One guy is an apple hoarder. He asks everyone for their apples and most people give them to him. I didn’t. I like my apples. I said, “Fuck off, this is my apple.” He said, “I think I’m gonna like you, kid.”
2. Another guy is a potato shooter. He goes on and on about all the potato guns he’s made, and he even made a potato cannon. He was threatening to throw potatoes at people.
3. There aren’t just men here, so that’s interesting.
4. I was taking a shower and got dizzy, so I grabbed onto the shower curtain for balance and the thing pulled down. On the way down I unintentionally grabbed the cord to call the nurse. So a couple nurses came and found me wet and naked on the ground with the shower curtain torn down. Now I have to take baths.
5. There are people here from all walks of life. From junkies and prostitutes to doctors and lawyers. Addiction is not discriminatory.
Anyway, that’s all for now Invisible Notebook Journal Reading People. So…see ya.
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