April 23, 2013
I’m still in the hospital but I think I’m going to be leaving sometime in the near future. I missed freakin’ Earth Day. I love Earth Day, that’s when all the hippy gatherings happen so it’s pretty cool. I get high and plant trees, that’s the way life should always be.
Ok and yeah so I’m a chauvinist but I keep thinking it would be nice for the nurses to be in those hot nurses’ uniforms with the short dress and those stockings with the garter or whatever and high heels. Short and low cut. But they’re not. They’re in scrubs. Yeah, the word scrubs is so sexy. That’s sarcastic. But there is one nurse who’s pretty cute. She’s short and kind of small but she has a big ass and big tits. She looks like maybe she’s 30. She’s so sweet to me. I like her a lot.
Anyway, during my unconscious state on Saturday, my parents came to see me. The hospital called them since they’re my emergency contacts. They called Pete and Pete called all our friends, including Hasty and Patrick. It seems that Pete has hung out with them a couple times, and he and Patrick have hung out even more than that. I’m kind of annoyed because I feel like a possessive 5 year old. But those are MY friends. They’re MINE. But once I obliterate that jealousy, I’m glad for Pete. So my parents came with my sister when I was unconscious. My landlord came by also on Saturday. Paula has only left my bedside to go eat or run an errand here and there. My parents came back again Sunday when I was awake. Later on Sunday, Pete came with Hasty, Patrick, and Sharly. Hasty told me if she had a chance to come back she’d wear one of those hot nurse’s uniforms. Well, I asked her to, but she was all for it. So was Patrick, but I’m not sure if he was serious or not. Maybe he meant scrubs. I hadn’t asked Patrick to, but I did ask Sharly. She said nothing and I knew her answer. After they all left, Pete came back again with John, Jay, Ayla, and even Randy the fuckhead. Even later, he returned with Danika, Jeff, Morgan, and holy shit Emma.
Here’s the messed up thing though, at the time Pete came with the Emma group, it was the wrong time to see me, of course. Of fucking course. It was late afternoon on Sunday and they were thinking they could send me home Monday morning, so they decreased the dosages of the shit they were giving me–the anti nausea, the sedation, and they eliminated the morphine using a placebo-ish kind of solution, I found out later. They didn’t tell me they were, but my body knew it.
That’s when I started feeling the withdrawals of all my shit. My body was in agony, and I was in an agitated state. I was sitting up in bed and felt like I couldn’t sit there anymore, I had to leave, I had to get out immediately, I needed a drink, I needed some coke, I needed some Vicodin, I needed to get high, I needed a cigarette, I wanted it all, all of it, immediately, just at that moment it had to be in an instant that I’d get it. I said to Paula, I need to leave, like, right fucking now. I started buzzing the nurse incessantly. In less than a minute, I decided she was taking too long. I tore the needle from my hand and got out of bed. Paula tried to stop me, and some demon from within me shouted at her. It wasn’t me, couldn’t have been me.
The demon was like, “Get the fuck out of my way leave me the fuck alone.” I pushed her aside and was ready to walk out of the room when a nurse came in. I was like, “you’re too late, I’m leaving.” So then somehow, I was brought down by her along with some other members of the hospital staff, kicking and screaming, I think I even punched one of the male nurses. And while I was on the ground fighting for my life, at the same moment I felt the needle go into my arm with shit to sedate me, I saw in the hall, Pete, the others, and Emma.
I was subdued instantly, then I puked. Paula led Pete and them to the café I guess while I was cleaned up fixed up and made to be submissive. They came back after I was temporarily exorcized. I barely spoke. I was embarrassed. My heart felt so light though, like it was beating faster but that only made it seem like it was floating or flying. I fucking love Emma, fucking love her. It hurts and feels so good at the same time. Paula doesn’t know anything about her or how I feel about her.
I wanted to be alone with her, but at the same time the idea of it scared the shit out of me. Too much pressure to say everything right. She didn’t say much either while she was there, she just stood by the window looking at me. I’d look at her now and then and see those beautiful eyes, they looked silver that day. Silver. Her presence made me feel so weak. I was glad she cared enough to come see me but I was ashamed why I was there. I wish it was because of a burst appendix or something. Then I’d feel like I deserved all the attention I was getting. Rather, people were there basically because I’m an idiot.
When they left, Emma leaned over and gave me a hug and a kiss. She kissed me on the mouth. I wanted to hold onto her and not let go and shove my tongue down her throat. I think my heart stopped beating for a moment when she kissed me. I think I literally died for 5 seconds.
So anyway that was Sunday, and today is Tuesday, and I’ve been sedated and shit, medically treated as I go through the withdrawals. Paula didn’t even know I had a drug problem, but she told me there was no detox bed available during the time I’ve been here. I was thinking, who the fuck’s idea was it to send me to detox anyway, without even consulting me? Maybe they did consult me and I was doped up and was like, “..yeeeaaahhhh sounds good to meee….” That’s probably how it happened.
I know I don’t want to detox because this was an accident, I didn’t make this choice, I’m not ready for it. I want to be high again, I want to be drunk, I want all the substances running through my veins it feels so good. I’m not ready to give that up yet, so I don’t know what’s going to happen to me at this point.
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