April 14, 2013
So Thursday after I left the bench I went over to Charlotte’s Web to see Sharly. That took a lot of balls on my part, I have to admit. And I swallowed a lot of pride to do that. But I showed up and there was some woman there I didn’t know, she must have taken my place. I began looking around for Sharly and the woman was watching me the whole time. I think I scared her. People seem afraid of me lately, my hair is a buzzed cut since I got rid of the blue, and I guess I just look intimidating. People used to stare at me because I think they thought I was attractive or something, but now I think they’re afraid I’m dangerous. It’s got to be more than the hair, I guess I just don’t look healthy, or the energy I project is unhealthy.
I found the backroom and was about to enter there when the woman said with a frantic voice, “excuse me, you can’t go in there, that’s for employees.” I said I was looking for Sharly. She said that Sharly wasn’t there and I could tell she was afraid of me. I used to like to freak people out, kind of gave me a thrill if people thought I was scary. That was cool because I would intentionally project a kind of anarchism at those times. Now I’m not and I want to ask people why they’re afraid of me. I would never hurt anyone. I would sooner help people than hurt them. In the recent past I might have asked this woman’s name and had a conversation with her. This time, I just kind of sunk down deep into myself, finding myself so deep these days I don’t know if I will ever break out of here.
I said, ok well I’ll just look around and wait. I didn’t want to say I used to work there, because I didn’t want to feel compelled to explain myself, or justify her fear by putting her at ease. It wasn’t fair. We remained there a moment longer, both waiting for each other to walk away. I just wanted privacy. I think she was afraid I’d go into the backroom once she went back to the register.
But then I felt a strange presence and I turned and saw nothing. I was like, damn I thought I got rid of the Shadowy Guy since my revelation, but it didn’t feel like his presence. I followed where the vibe led me and then I saw eyes looking at me through the tops of books on a center display rack. I went over, went behind the display and no one was there. Then I turned and Melody was behind me, she startled me. She said, “I know you. You’re Grimm.”
I said, “Yeah, and you’re Melody. I think you got a little taller.”
She made me sit with her like she did the last time as she sat on the floor with a pile of books. We said nothing, she just skimmed through them one by one while I looked down at the pages with her. It was nice to have company. What was even nicer was that she was a kid, and she wasn’t afraid of me, she just accepted me regardless of what I looked like, even though kids tend to make surface judgments in a different way than adults do. It was good to have company that expected nothing from me, just my presence.
I felt so sick though. I hadn’t eaten since the Cadbury Egg the day before. At Dave’s I only drank and did drugs and it satisfied at the time, so I forgot about food again. And just when I had these thoughts, Melody reached in her bag and pulled out a Sunny Delight and gave it to me. Holy shit it was exactly what I needed. I needed a case load of the shit honestly. I drank the tiny bottle down in one gulp.
Then she said what everyone else has been saying lately, that I look sick. I said, “I am sick.”
She said, “You don’t have to be.”
Then I began to wonder if she really existed. She’s so symbolic and strange and cool, she had to be a hallucination. Yeah, I don’t know if she’s insightful or just weird, but either way she’s definitely awesome. I thought of Gary Oldman and something he said.
WALL GRIMM’S GARY OLDMANISM:
“We’re given a code to live our lives by. We don’t always follow it, but it’s still there.”
Now what does he mean by that. I sat there next to Melody thinking about it. I mean, it would seem obvious, but I wanted to translate its meaning as it pertains to me. What is my personal code in life? Do our codes correspond to our individual natures? Or are the codes a universal set of values and ethics? Is it a combination of both? Does a serial killer have his own codes or is he breaking the codes he’s expected to live by since he’s a serial killer? I think it’s mostly a universal set of values and ethics. I say that because Gary Oldman says, “a code to live our lives by” which could mean there’s only one code and we are all expected to live by it.
So we’re expected to evolve from childhood into adulthood, learning and adapting along the way. Just like they say in “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life”:
“…matter is energy. In the Universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person’s soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man’s unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.”
So that’s the code of life, that is our pursuit, and we follow it by respecting ourselves and each other. It’s the disrespect that sways us from the way we are meant to live our lives. And at the same time, maybe we should be wearing more hats. But here’s an analysis:
WALL GRIMM’S ANALYSIS:
My name is Wall Grimm and this is my interpretation of Monty Python’s hats.
The roles people take on in society are often referred to as hats, the many hats people wear. People take on different roles at different times, depending upon the situation. So maybe they aren’t wearing enough hats as people are gradually becoming more self absorbed, less directly involved with other people since social media is obliterating human to human connection. Therefore, people are limiting the roles they play in life in terms of themselves and with regards to other people. “…people are not wearing enough hats.”
My code is broken daily. I’m not respecting myself or other people. Melody seems to be following her code just fine. She’s headed in the right direction in life, she’s strong, but intuitive, and kind. She’s like the wisest person I’ve every met and she’s just a kid. She said that I don’t have to be sick and she’s right. I’m sick because I made myself sick. It’s all been a series of choices. All I have to do to be not sick is to start making different choices.
Yeah, it’s easier said than done, but you can’t get a prognosis or determine the best treatment if you’re unable to diagnose the disease. It just takes the initial diagnosis to put everything into perspective.
I decided not to wait around any longer for Sharly, so I said goodbye to Melody and left. I wonder if I’ll ever encounter the kid again.
previous Grimm 76: The Creme Egg, The Rich Girls, & The Final Bench http://wp.me/p41c99-bz
next Grimm 78: A Physical, Spiritual, Psychological, Emotional Orgasm, & Paula http://wp.me/p41c99-bK
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