March 12, 2013
Sunday I had to deal with two upset unofficial roommates. Both were upset because of me. It’s weird when people get mad at me because I just kind of do my thing so whenever my thing hurts another person, it’s unintentional and just kind of a side effect of my being me. Pete was upset because I blew him off immediately after kissing him Friday. Sweetheart was upset because she says I ignored her all day Saturday after she told me she was pregnant. This is the journal entry about my wrongs.
My name is Wall Grimm, and I have made mistakes.
WALL GRIMM’S WEEKEND MISTAKES
The mistake wasn’t necessarily kissing Pete, though maybe it was. But the big mistake was blowing him off after, which is an interesting colloquialism since I blew off a guy I just kissed so I could get a blow job. Strangely fitting.
Shortly after I made my journal entry Sunday, sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, breaking up some lines of coke – Dave stopped over Saturday night to bring me some – Pete entered the kitchen. I said “hey” and he kind of ignored me, sort of like he was doing all Saturday. So he was mad and ignored me, and Sweetheart was mad because I was ignoring her. A lot of ‘ignorance’ going on Saturday.
Anyway, I had no clue what Pete’s problem was, none at all, fucking clueless I was. So I said, “what’s your fucking problem, you’ve been kind of an ass.”
He said, “Yeah? Well you’re kind of a bitch and a slut.” These were the harshest words I’ve ever heard come from Pete. But they were funny. It was funny that he called me a bitch and a slut, so I laughed. And I still had no idea what he was talking about. So he stormed out of the kitchen.
He didn’t leave the apartment and he was in the next room so I figured I’d have my coke and pop a couple pain meds, get in the right frame of mind, then go talk to him. I also had to stop being amused by what he said and take it seriously. I snorted a couple lines and as I was going to snort the last two, Pete came back in, leaned over, and blew the cocaine, scattering it so much, there was no saving it. I was like WTF!!! I stood and pushed him, shouting a bunch of words I can’t remember, and I shoved him a couple more times, then I went on about how expensive that was, and how I haven’t paid rent yet this month because I’ve been spending the money on different things, including that coke. I said, “you’re the bitch, Pete” and I bitch slapped him.
Maybe I overreacted, but when you’re about ready to do coke and someone blows it away, gone, never to return, there’s a rage. And the thing about coke, that I’m realizing is that, the rage is becoming more and more intense every time I come down from it. I just feel angry and irritable, so I have to smoke pot, or pop pills to take care of that. I drink too, but drinking kind of aggravates it. I’ve also been doing more coke than usual.
I sat down and started to set up a couple more lines, because I had anticipated those lines, so I still wanted them. Pete sat down with me and said, “Grimm, you have a problem.”
“Yeah you’re my fucking problem, get the fuck away from me.”
“I’m the one who’s mad at you, remember?”
“Oh yeah, well what’s your problem.”
“Well first, I have to say I think you have a drug problem.”
“Pete, not now, ok? Don’t say anything but Sweetheart’s pregnant. I have a lot of shit on my mind.”
“Shit. What are you going to do?”
I told him that I was going to talk to her that day and that I put a lot of thought into it. I said that I was going to try to take care of Sweetheart and be a responsible father. Pete gave me a look like I was a pathetic, suffering animal that he wanted to smash in the head with a rock to put out of its misery. I told him to fuck off and not to look at me like that. Then I told him to just tell me what his problem was.
He told me it upset him that I dragged him into an alley to kiss him and then told him to get lost when Ayla came. I said I was trying to help him out. He said he thought it was selfish because it was as if I was being egotistical and feeling like Pete was privileged by it. I was like, does that really sound like me?? Then he said that it was his first kiss from a guy, and those are supposed to be special, so it was a moment. He said he didn’t expect more from it, or anything to come of it because he knows I’m straight, but he said a little consideration from me would have been nice. He was mad that I didn’t even acknowledge the fact that it was his first kiss even though he just told me he never kissed a guy before. He felt good that I kissed him, it was special to him, and then Ayla was there instantly. I said to her, ‘it’s not what you’re thinking’ basically disregarding it as anything significant. He said he was hurt in so many ways by how callous I was. I realized that he’s really sensitive, kind of like a woman, so I felt badly. He then asked me about my firsts: kiss, blow job, hand job, sex…
My first kiss was in first grade. And let’s just say I had experienced all the rest by the time I entered high school. He wanted to make a point that these things were special, which for me no they weren’t, so I just got pissed off that he was asking me such personal questions.
So he apologized, then I apologized for being insensitive. I was like, damn you know, if you know someone, you need to give them a little credit.
I have a philosophy about that.
My name is Wall Grimm, and this is my philosophy of intentions:
WALL GRIMM’S PHILOSOPHY OF INTENTION
When someone is a good person and it’s not in that person’s nature to purposely hurt someone, yet they do by accident, you can’t really get mad at that person. That person’s intentions are usually good, so that’s what matters. Just tell the person that what they did hurt you, and they will feel badly and try to be more aware next time.
I don’t like to hurt people, I just wasn’t thinking. So Pete told me to kiss him again and make it special. I was like, you’ve got to be kidding me. Fortunately he was. I was like “I love ya, man, you know that.” Because when a guy tells another guy he loves him, that once per lifetime moment, he can’t say ‘you’ it has to be ‘ya’ since ‘you’ is too intimate somehow. And it’s always good to throw a ‘man’ in there for good measure. And anytime a situation calls for an ‘I love ya, man’ there’s some deep evaluation about whether to use it up, or wait for an even better moment to come along. Usually you wait for the bigger moment. With Pete, this wasn’t that moment so much, but I hurt him and he’s sensitive, so I’ll let this one slide.
Anyway, solved that problem, but Sweetheart…well I can’t write about her right now. Mistake #2 will come later.
previous Grimm 64: Kissing Pete, Grimm’s Alley Fetish, & Sweetheart’s News http://wp.me/p41c99-aq
next Grimm 66: Grimm’s Weekend Mistake #2 & Philosophy of News, The Little Spy, & Another Wall http://wp.me/p41c99-aG
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