February 21, 2013
So Sharly and I went out for coffee last night after work. Then she said that she was worried about me and asked what was going on. I said that it was nothing and what’s making her concerned about me. She said it was obvious I was doing drugs and that she’s not stupid, she knows I do them at work sometimes, and I sometimes come to work high and/or drunk. She’s right though because when I first got the job I tried to stay straight the whole time, but now I just do as much as I do throughout the day in general, not the amount I do when I party, so it’s not so much a big deal. But without admitting to anything I asked her if she felt my job perfermance was slacking. She said yes because I’m sometimes late, I sometimes look like a slob, I sometimes sound high and drunk, and I’m not looking so good lately, I look like I do cocaine.
Looking like I do cocaine, hmm, wasn’t sure about that so I asked and she told me that I sniff and rub my nose with my fingers frequently, my lips are dry, and I have pink around my eyes. I replied that it was winter and the cold air makes my nose runny, my lips chapped, and the wind hurts my eyes. She said, “Grimm don’t take me for an idiot. You really don’t want to insult my intelligence, trust me.”
Ok so well, I had no response to that so I promised I would try harder to be more responsible and I apologized. She said that’s not really good enough and wanted to know if I need help.
I had no response to that either. Well, I guess I expressed that I didn’t need help, what would I need help with. She repeated “Don’t take me for an idiot.”
I excused myself, went to the men’s room, did some cocaine and popped a Percocet. Then as I was walking back out, I turned, went back in to piss because that was why I originally went in there, but I got distracted. Before I left I finished off my pint of whiskey that I had in the inside pocket of my coat. As I exited I realized I forgot to wash my hands but I wasn’t about to go in there a third time. I wonder how much of a freak I am to think it’s cool if Sharly were to touch my hand that just touched my dick.
When I got back to the table she shook her head and told me I smelled like whiskey now. I was like, well you know I’m fine and forget about all this, I’ll be more responsible, so you don’t have to worry, I apologize for causing you concern. She told me it’s not my job performance she’s worried about, though she knows I can do better, and look better. She said I was a handsome kid but I was beginning to look like shit. Thanks! But I know what she means.
Sometimes I forget to shower. I know that sounds stupid, but every now and then I’ll be like, damn I haven’t showered in three days I think, maybe I should take one. Sometimes I’m too lazy to shave so I go a few days without shaving. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing laundry so I wear the same clothes over and over again and they don’t get washed, and I guess they kind of smell like cigarettes, pot, and whiskey. But I kind of like that smell, it reminds me of a barroom. But none of that has anything to do with drugs or anything that should cause her concern, I mean, I just get a little lazy at times. I guess it’s just cool that she cares, maybe. But now I feel scrutinized again. I was feeling kind of free the other day when I decided to move on from my pursuit of Emma and her repeated rejection, and just not judge myself so harshly. But within two days time, Sharly obliterated that. Then she added that if it was another job, with another employer, they wouldn’t take the time to talk to me, they would just probably fire me, because I’m becoming less of a proper representative of her book store. I guess I can understand that, and I think everything she’s said about my job performance and presentation at work is valid. So I will honestly try to be a more respectable, professional, and responsible employee.
I guess that’s just a given. I guess I just feel so comfortable at work and I like it there, I relaxed too much and started treating it like an extension of my home, but it’s important to have those boundaries. If it wasn’t Sharly I’d probably quit. But I like her and I like the job. I can’t imagine having a job I didn’t like, so I’m lucky like that.
After our conversation, she asked me if I ever needed anything or needed someone to talk to, not to hesitate to approach her on it. Then I remembered that I never paid her back yet for the money I borrowed, I think it was for the Christmas stuff. I forgot all about it. So I told her that I’d pay a little every week. She said forget about it and consider it a Christmas bonus. She told me I was a good kid and she liked me, and she trusted me as an employee, which was pretty cool.
Then she reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it, and I felt a little internal amusement, but out of consideration I pulled my hand away.
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