February 14, 2013
Ok well I may not be the best Valentine, maybe because I’m kind of a procrastinator I guess, but I’m not so bad. I mean, I think way ahead of time, but I’m so indecisive that it takes a while for me to take action. So I had these plans I wanted to do with Emma tonight, if she would be willing, but I didn’t make specific plans. I figured that she probably wouldn’t be willing so I didn’t waste my time, but if she would have wanted to be with me, then I’d have figured something out. It’s not going to happen though, and I’ll explain why in a minute.
So instead of being with Emma, a bunch of us are going out to eat at my favorite Italian restaurant. It’ll be me, Sweetheart, Pete, Danika, Dave, Ayla, John, & Morgan and a few ‘dates’ for some of them who scrounged up some dates. I’ll be giving Sweetheart some chocolates and a little bear with a heart that says “Be Mine” even though she knows that I want Emma, it’s just a gesture and the bear was really cute. They’re vegan valentine chocolates too because she’s mostly vegan. Tonight we are going to play ‘magic valentine.’ Dave injected some liquid acid into some chocolates in a box of assorted creams, so we will take turns eating them all and then Dave will tell us who got the ‘magic’ chocolates. I hope I get one because I would really like to escape reality as much as possible tonight. Both my heart and my pride were demolished last night.
Danika, Pete, and Sweetheart took me to Emma’s last night. I had a box of chocolates, a dozen red roses, and a card. In the card was an invitation to spend Valentine’s Day evening with me, in a romantic sense like I might make her dinner or something, I didn’t know. But I invited her to an unspecified evening with me. Also I wrote some stuff in the card that makes me cringe when I think of it now. Because I decided to lay it all out and be honest and then I can move on, guessing she’d reject me.
But I went there, those guys parked across the street as I limped in my leg brace up the steps of the front porch, then I rang the buzzer and waited with the card, chocolates, and flowers in my hand. This fucking beefcake opens the door and says, “What do you want.”
I was like, “I want to talk to Emma.” He said that Emma wanted nothing to do with me. I said, “Who the fuck are you?” I mean I’m getting a little fucking sick and tired that I can’t talk to Emma face to face, there’s always these other third parties interfering, it’s pissing me off.
The slab of meat said, “I’m her boyfriend, get the fuck out of here.” Then I kind of had no reaction for a second, like wtf?! I had no idea she had a boyfriend and how could it possibly be this cunt. He can’t possibly be her type. She kind of always liked quiet intellectual types, not this football. I mean, he looked like a football for real.
Anyway, so I said I just wanted to talk to her for a minute. He told me to get the fuck off the porch. I tried to shove my way past him. That was the best I could do as far as restraining myself. I really wanted to put my fist through his fucking face but I assumed that would not appeal to Emma. I had to be the bigger man. As I tried to push by, he grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me back. I lost balance, since I have a freaking leg brace, and the chocolates and card flew out of my hand. Then I felt this fury and frustration. I keep going there and making a fool of myself. I can’t accept that she doesn’t even want to be my friend. I’m not so bad, am I? I just wish she would talk to me, maybe give me a sense of resolve. Maybe then I can walk away with dignity. But I’m so confused and I want her so much. I feel like if I had her then my whole life would change. It would force me to grow up and be responsible, it would force me to make better choices. I try to make these changes, but I keep getting so discouraged that it’s difficult to follow through.
Anyway, so I couldn’t believe this dickhead had the audacity to lay his hands on me, and in a rage I punched him. I know it was stupid, but it felt like Emma was within reach, and he was my only obstacle. That’s what it felt like at that moment. After I punched him, he shoved me, and I stumbled backwards down the stairs. I landed on my back, on the stairs, my feet at the top, and my head hit the pavement at the bottom. I landed on the box of chocolates so they got squished. The dickhead whipped the roses at me, so the bunch hit me in the face as the petals kind of floated about in the air before scattering all over the place. As he went in, Danika, Pete, and Sweetheart ran over to me.
They helped me up and brought me to the car. They attempted to pick up the remains of the roses, the squished chocolates, and the card but I told them to leave it. I was hoping Emma would see it all and I wanted her to feel guilty. I was feeling angry and resentful and vindictive. Why doesn’t she have the decency to talk to me? I’m not scum, she’s known me for 9 years, why does she hate me so much now? But I wanted her to see the truth by those remnants of my final attempt to have her. I give up now. But I should have taken the card. I wanted her to read it, but now I don’t know if it was anyone else who found it, or if it was her who got it, I cringe about what it said.
Emma, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But you’re also the worse thing because it is agonizing that you want nothing to do with me now. Please let me show you how good I can be. I will strive each day to make you the happiest woman in the world. You’re my purpose. You’re why I breathe. Emma I love you more than you could possibly realize. Please give me a chance. Grimm
So who knows who has this or who read it. But it’s 7am and she hasn’t texted or anything since last night. I am up early all the time because I can never sleep much anymore. So Happy Valentine’s Day journal. Here’s our early morning celebration, you, me, whiskey, vicodin, cocaine, weed, chocolate.
previous Grimm 53: The Gypsy, the Vampire, the Werewolf, the Zombie, & Gary Oldman http://wp.me/p41c99-9j
next Grimm 55: A Valentine Poem for Emma http://wp.me/p41c99-9s
For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Page http://wp.me/P41c99-J
For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.