I woke up looking at Grimm.
I was on my side in the bathroom floor with Grimm, Bogart, and Pete asleep next to me. My first thought was one of panic and memory searching. Flashes of the previous night danced through my mind. My first thought was that I had too many drinks despite my determination not to drink in support of Grimm’s sobriety.
Last night Pete tried to talk me into dressing up. I was in the shower and he was sitting on the side of the tub waiting his turn when we started talking about all the good times we’ve had in the past and how many different crazy outfits I had worn. I told him about the time I dressed like Emma Stone in Easy A and then we both started singing,
I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine
I’ve got a love and I know that it’s all mine
Do what you want, but you’re never gonna break me,
sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
Take me away (take me away)
A secret place (a secret place)
A sweet escape (a sweet escape)
Take me away (take me away)
Take me away (take me away
To better days (to better days)
Take me away (take me away)
A hiding place (a hiding place)
We laughed because although we both suck at singing we were stupid happy. I asked for a towel and switched places with Pete while he asked if I remembered to shave my cactus legs. I told him no but I really just wanted to wear jeans and maybe a sparkly blouse to the club. He said ok but, “you should at least have one drink with me since I have to be out with you and your prickly legs!” I acquiesced but under the condition it was away from Grimm and ONLY one.
We got ready and met the others downstairs and packed into Astrid’s convertible. I was smooshed between Grimm and Pete. Bogart had the longest legs and Grimm was trying to keep us at arm’s length from each other. I was a bit hurt that Grimm didn’t trust me but then I was grateful because he was protecting me from myself. Astrid was beautiful, something about her eyes in the rear-view mirror and her hair blowing in the wind. She often seemed very introspective and that made me introspective.
Introspection is never a good thing. I’ve had so many things going on in my head lately. I’m prone to depression which can be really hard for friends and family to handle. In my experience depression isn’t just about being sad; it’s an irrational idea that you are completely worthless.
What gives us our worth? Is it our ability to do for others? Is it our contribution to society? Is it defined by our responsibilities? What if we don’t do for others and we stop contributing and our responsibilities are reassigned? Then we are replaceable and that makes us worthless…right?
Ok don’t run off and do anything irrational because those thoughts ARE truly irrational. Not to be dramatic… but who cares? If mosquitoes and scorpions are allowed to exist free from feelings of worthlessness then why can’t I? I mean I am not sucking anyone’s blood and giving them malaria. I’m not stinging everyone who steps on me, or ignores me, or leaves me, or….
I push people away in order to save them from my negativity but then I become more depressed because people are way too easy to push away and I think (or realize) they never needed me so I deserve to be alone, it’s better this way…really…it is…it’s ok!
So I was in the backseat between two of my very favorite people and I grabbed their hands and I held them. I didn’t dare look at them or I would cry. They squeezed my hand back and I continued looking forward letting their presence calm my thoughts. They are here. They love me.
Pete and I had taken a few shots (4 each because I have no willpower or resolve) at the bar before we met up at a table. Astrid had the place reserve a spot for all of us at the front by the stage . The place was packed and filled with happy bluesy music. I always notice the moments where everyone seems happy because for a moment everything slows down. Bogart and Grimm where in deep conversation, Astrid was slow dancing on the dance floor with an older gentlemen she seemed to know, and Pete was drooling over some guy playing saxophone. I asked Grimm who Astrid was dancing with and he said, “I don’t know but he is a regular and since Astrid has a bad back he will dance slow with her even if it is a fast song.” I smiled at how beautiful that was.
After a few songs the band stopped and introduced Grimm. He surprised me by getting up on the stage without a pause. OK, picture this… Here we are in a blues club and Grimm gets on stage, grabs a guitar, and after a quick huddle with the band, points at me and starts busting out… I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine
My heart nearly burst while my smile nearly cracked my face in two.
The crowd was so quiet until the chorus and the whole joint started singing with him. It was amazing and I was so happy. I keep using the word happy but happy works; happy is a good word. I was happy and had started to feel tipsy so I excused myself to the restroom.
As I passed the bar a man grabbed my arm and asked me to join him for a drink. I told him no thanks but he was very persistent. I sat down had one shot and then said thank you but I have friends to get back too. I remember him grabbing my arm to keep me seated and then only flashes.
–We had another drink.
–I didn’t feel well
–Needed the bathroom
–He pulled me through a door
–His voice was angry
–Sharp pain in my face
–My voice wasn’t working
–Bogart walked up and punched guy in the face
I woke up looking at Grimm. I remember not one thing after Bogart punched the guy in the face. I was lying in the bathroom floor with a pounding headache, a racing heart, and I wondered what horrible things I might have done or said. I wondered if I ruined everyone’s night and if they would ever be able to forgive me.
I am sitting at the kitchen table writing these pages for Grimm while the boys are still sleeping in the bathroom floor. I found some blankets to cover them all up, packed my stuff, and checked on Cola who was still sound asleep but I think her fever has subsided. I had noticed my split lip and swollen cheek in the mirror above Cola’s vanity.
Astrid walked into the kitchen and sat next to me for a few minutes. She told me what happened after I blacked out; she hugged me really tight and said she was so happy to know me which of course made me cry.
I asked Astrid if she would give these pages to you Grimm. I hope you feel better knowing your journal wasn’t neglected. Please tell everyone goodbye for me because I am too embarrassed to stick around after Astrid told me the full story.
I know without a doubt I have some really great friends and I am very lucky they love me. I am lucky you love me Grimm. Thank you for taking care of me and I will send you a text later!
Signed your very grateful friend,