October 12, 2013
Sweetheart has been staying at my place, sleeping in my room with the baby. The baby wakes up frequently during the night and it wakes me. Sometimes I help her by changing the diapers, but the little spy breastfeeds so I can’t help with that. Watching Sweetheart breastfeed was awkward at first, but it’s actually a beautiful thing, so natural. She uses cloth diapers so it’s kind of gross to have to clean them. The little spy’s shit smells like cheddar cheese.
I’m being a good dad though. Since she uses cloth diapers and is breast fed, it doesn’t cost a lot to care for her right now, but it will get expensive eventually. It amazes me that this is my baby, and as I’m writing I realize I should probably tell my parents that I’m a dad. They might like to know that they’re grandparents and would probably like to meet the baby. Sweetheart still hasn’t told me her intentions, but I’m just going to assume I’m going to help raise this kid.
Morgan, Ayla, and Danika came over last night to see the little spy and they were all oohing and aahing all over her. They decided they’re going to give Sweetheart a post baby shower. They said it’s a girl thing and I’m not invited. Iona’s coming over today after I get out of work. I think she’s wondering how this Sweetheart situation is going to affect us. I don’t know, I’m not fucking Sweetheart and in fact I don’t want to. I’m afraid that if we have sex then it will become too relationship-y and evolve into some kind of commitment with too many expectations. I hate to sound like an asshole but I’m not ready to be a dad. I can’t even take care of myself. I haven’t even gotten my shit together yet. I mean, I’m trying, I’m working on it, but it’s a struggle. Every day I struggle not to just give in and get myself a bottle of whiskey. And with this new responsibility, the temptation is even more. That makes me feel like a loser, which compels me even more to drink. I’m not ready for this, but I can’t admit it to anyone. And I can’t do anything about it. What the fuck am I supposed to do, tell Sweetheart she needs to leave and I want nothing to do with the baby? There’s no way I can do that. It’s my responsibility.
But I am kind of pissed off at her though. I mean, I offered way back when she first found out she was pregnant. I was going to give it a try and be a dad and be involved. But she fucking took off. Now to just show up out of no where unexpected when I had no time to prepare myself for that, how am I supposed to just up and turn my life around? I have no choice. Maybe if she had stayed and I would have been involved during her pregnancy, I’d have had the chance to prepare myself, but this way is just not fair. Maybe I’m an asshole for feeling this way, but I can’t help it. And I can’t tell anyone because I can’t imagine they’d understand, they’d just think I was selfish.
People used to come to me all the time when they had problems or they needed to talk or situations in their lives needed fixing. Then at some point I became this irresponsible drug addict, a self absorbed escapist, and I don’t think anyone will ever see me again as that guy I used to be. But he’s here inside me and I’m fighting as hard as I can to bring him back. The other side to me, the reckless, self destructive fool has a strong hold on me. So if I complain or vent or remotely mention my frustrations and concerns about Sweetheart and the baby, no one would understand. They’d only see a selfish, pathetic loser. Not a man.
I’m being a good father, and the baby is making me happy, but every now and then I realize that this is lifelong, and that this child’s future will be directly impacted by choices I make, and especially by my mistakes. That’s an intense amount of responsibility. I mean I know I didn’t go to rehab but it was detox, so I just say rehab because it’s kind of similar I think, but I went from detox to the hospital because of the Gangsta and the head injury he gave me, and that was only 5 months ago. And I have relapsed since then.
The thing is that I try to tell myself that this is normal for me to feel this way, and that other guys in my situation would feel the same, but it doesn’t prevent me from looking down on myself. And it contributes to my resentment of Sweetheart. She left. She fucking left. Then she never called. I’m going to be responsible, and the baby is innocent in all of this, she didn’t ask for this. I’m going to be a good dad. But I really do want my bedroom back. My bedroom and a bottle of whiskey.
previous Grimm 124: Fate, Obstacles, Avoiding Trouble, & the Return of Sweetheart http://wp.me/p41c99-jZ
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